The Community Advice Thread

[Utora]

Yes I misunderstood, but not I understand.

)) Well from what she is saying, she's definitely having issues letting go.
But she will just have to get use to it I guess...

Hopefully this doesn't go on much longer!

My sister's husband's mother did stuff like this, and I remember it was his 30 birthday and he was at his house with my sister and their kids. His mother, who lives only 30 minutes away calls and says, I should be able to see my son on his birthday. ..like, ok? Then come on over! Versus my family, who did just show up univited for his 30th birthday, gave him gifts, partied and moved on. Some in-laws get this victim mentality instead of be positive, supportive, outgoing and involved...like they gotta lay there and whine and moan..you ignore it after a while they go one of two ways - obstantant and worse or, humbled and better.

I hope you feel better, too!

[nathalie]

Just don't know what to do, and with the holidays, parties everywhere. I don't wanna see her.
Also, on my birthday, she texted Kenny, asking if I were home to come over. Last week she texted him, asking if I got home alright.

She has my number! And she is in my fb, ask me directly! Its my birthday, so text me! Cause she texts him, and then he needs to tell me, and text her back.

And the only reason she said 'he is my son' because he is renovating her house for far less money then professionals would ask, obviously.
But still, very rude thing to say, especially after she saw me having a panic attack, I tried explaining to her I need him, because I'm in a bad place. And then she says that? How bloody rude.

[Azerane]

OK, community, let's hear any tips you guys might have. I'm going to Florida next week to spend a week with my father and stepmother before heading north up to Disney and the Lea meet.

How'd it go with your dad and stepmum?

Had a fight with Kenny's mom last night.
She was here, I see her, and I tried saying hello, and my lips moved, but no sound because of my extremely bad cold.
I go back upstairs. I hear them both raising these voices, Kenny comes back up all irritated, I ask what's wrong and if says I didn't say hi to his mom, but I did.

I know it's easier said than done, but you can't let her get to you, and you can't let her cause fights between Kenny and yourself, it probably just fuels her. What a ridiculous thing for her to cause an argument about in the first place. With people like that, they usually keep doing the same thing no matter what you do, so you just have to learn to let it roll off you and ignore it, because there's no other way to deal with it unless you're actually able to put her in her place in a calm, assertive way, but I know that's difficult too. I never once stood up to Pat's mum, but there were certainly many things I wanted to say

[nathalie]

She's getting in the way of us. I'm not saying she's the only problem, but she's 1 of the problems. Because she nags to him about me, and I nag to him about her *sigh* feels like a dead-end street, and I really would like to be the bigger person, like I've always been, but enough is enough, I shouldn't keep quiet anymore and let it all bottle up inside, and pay some psych to tell my problems too.

[Utora]

She's getting in the way of us. I'm not saying she's the only problem, but she's 1 of the problems. Because she nags to him about me, and I nag to him about her *sigh* feels like a dead-end street, and I really would like to be the bigger person, like I've always been, but enough is enough, I shouldn't keep quiet anymore and let it all bottle up inside, and pay some psych to tell my problems too.

Agreed.

Give 'em the ol' iron paw!

[cleargreenwater]

How'd it go with your dad and stepmum?

I realized that my stepmother is the singularly most narcissistic control-freak I have ever witnessed, and that as tedious and exhausting as it was, the best way to keep her on an even keel and avoid any nasty bouts of instability was to bite my tongue, humour her, and allow her to be the center of all attention at all times.

No seriously, I mean from sun up to sun down all she did was tell stories about how great she is. When we went on a Navy SEALs museum tour, she had to repeat everything thing the tour guide said back to the group while it walked from station to station, because god forbid she not know everything and have to take a backseat to a paid tour leader. Or the Aquarium tour, where she elbowed in front of the group to stand right in front of the man and talk to him about her niece, during the tour. The whole time. And I could barely even touch my phone because the stories became like frantic to bring the attention away from the device and back to her.

It was like babysitting a toddler for a week.

Eh, I lived, lol. I think I way over extended myself in one trip though, after dealing with that all beforehand I'm not really surprised I got sick by the time I made it to Disney, my resistance was worn out.

[Azerane]

Wow, she sounds like such a child. Pat has to bite his tongue with his mum, but in a different way. If she gets in a mind about something that's upset her, she's never wrong, even if you have solid evidence against her she doesn't not accept that she's in the wrong. What a trying week that must have been, would have driven me crazy, but it's really all you can do is just grin and bare it.

[nathalie]

So, it seems it says "lie to me" on my forehead or something ...
Looks like people enjoy lying to my face.
I can get a contract renewel for another 3 months (usually it's 6, but since I've gotten only 3 months, it means my supervisor didn't really want me to get it, but since it's extremely busy, and since I do my job right, she "managed" to get me 3 months).

I'm not a very social person, I hate parties, I hate weddings, I hate big dinners, and especially if those things are not inbetween working ours.
I do not feel I should attend these kind of things when they outside of my hours.

Last Teusday there was a New Years dinner with my co-workers, and before that a meeting aswell, which I needed to attend.
I knew this day was coming for weeks, and was prepping myself for it, as I didn't want to.
Forcing someone who has a panic-disorder into doing things they don't want to, can result into a meltdown.
It has got nothing to do with the people, it's just me, I don't like it, I didn't wanna go, why sit there with a sad face an entire evening, when I can be stressless at home.

Maybe it is the people ... I don't fit in. I'm not like them, and I'm actually OK with that, they ... not so much.
"ooooh going to America, how amazing is that ???" followed by "oh, Disney world *smirks*"
I like my hobbies, but since I've been working there, I have to be honest, I've been to a Disney park about 5 times, and didn't really enjoy my time there, as they are making me doubt

Anyways ... I *was* all ready to go Teusday, to that dinner, but stuff had happened (we had a car accident on Sunday, nothing to big, but still, anxiety levels extremely high, on Monday I had a terrible tooth ache the entire day).
On Teusday, I had already taken my meds for that evening, and they were just not working, I took extra, and I still felt so sick, I just couldn't go.
So I walked into the office of a co-worker, who's more understanding about my situation, I started to cry and told her I just couldn't go.
She called my supervisor, told her that I'm scared and upset, as my supervisor already had mentioned in my previous evaluation that I don't care for my co-worker (which is BS!! it's the other way around).

My supervisor had no choice in to letting me stay in the office, make the quick choice of telling the others that I'm sick.
But, I had to stay in the office and just keep working.
When it was noon, another co-worker who sits next to me, leaves for the meeting and tells me "see you then".
So I tell her, that I called our supervisor, I'm really not feeling well, and I can stay here for a another short while and end my work.
I said "for a short while" I did *not* say I'll be staying here till the rest of the day.

So, Wednesday, I'm in the office around the corner aswell.
And by the end of my work day I was going to be out of work for the next day. I e-mail the person who sat next to me the day before, no response.
The one sitting next to me at the time, I tell her I didn't get a response, she tells me to call head office and see if she is still there, but she had just left when called.

I come into the office on Thursday, no work for me.
So I sat there for 1,5 hours doing NOTHING.

Had to call my supervisor who was going into town for meetings, she had to call someone else, and arrange someone to bring me work.
When that person arrived, my God, the look on her face ... hey, it's not my fault! She sat next to me on Wednesday, and knew I would have no work the next day.

I was extremely dissapointed that they couldn't even send me an e-mail or left me a note saying they didn't see my mail in time, or they didn't bring me anything.

On Friday, my supervisor walks in, tells me I can get another 3 months.
BUT.
According to her, I never say "good morning". I ALWAYS DO!!! According to her, I mumble something. Not true.
And when I leave in the evening, I always even walk into her desk to say goodbye.
I know I have a soft voice, so I make sure I say things like that loud and clear.
When I told her, that I'm sure other co-workers can vouch for that, that I do say it, she nodded "no".
Excuse me? LIAR!!!

Then, because of the "stunt" I pulled on Teusday, many were not too happy about it, because the other one said I got to stay at work the rest of the day (I said I'd stay and finish up, so she's just making things up now).
It's also her, who ignored my e-mail and didn't bring me extra work, so I just sat there for 1,5 hours.
Yeah I get it, she's pissed at me.
And most of them might find it impossible to believe that "someone like me" got an extra 3 months of work there.
So how I am supposed to explain when I'm still there from March till May?

Then, when I told my supervisor that when I'm already feeling so extremely sick, what's the point of going then? Just sitting there with a sad face, not saying anything, it's no use for both parties.
She replied with "that's your opinion". No, it's a fact!
When I told her, I don't really fit in, as I'm not from here, she said again "that's your opinion". Again, NO, it's a FACT!

I already noticed on Friday, the woman I work with untill noon, she usually talks alot, and didn't say a word to me, so I knew something was up.

My contract that's still running now, ends February 23rd.
My supervisor told me, that if people start treating me different, it's because of that stupid dinner I didn't went to.
I told her, I probably won't be able to handle that.

The only positive thing was, when I asked her if it was because of Teusday that person didn't bring me work, she said it might be, but she immidiatly said that either way, it was not acceptable!
And, apparently, I don't speak negativaly about others ( ) apperently I do it in such a way, it doesn't comes accros as pointing fingers at anyone directly.
That's nice to hear ...

The pay is good, the hours are good, I don't know if I can pull myself together for another 3 months and keep going at it.
I don't know what to do
I've already started lookin for something else, updated all my online resume's.
I was really happy when she told me, but then when she started telling lies, and all the other things, my guts are telling me to decline the offer.

When I told her, at my last job, I didn't even go to someone's wedding, she told me that was not correct of me and I should have gone.
Excuse me? Who is my boss, to tell me, I should or should not go to someone's wedding party, when I clearly hate weddings and I clearly hate parties!

I don't know what to do
I'm afraid if I do try to hang in there untill May, I'll crash very hard again

[nathalie]

So, I've moved 2 weekends ago, I guess it all went alright.
I was quite busy the days after it. The day of the move Kenny was here all afternoon helping putting furniture together, we then went to get something to eat, thought it was only fair I'd buy him dinner for all his help that day.
The next day he was here almost the entire day, putting some more furniture together (seems like a lot of furniture like that, but it's not really, but these aren't Ikea pieces, so takes longer to put together, lol), later in the evening I picked up some food and went to his place.

There's still so many stuff at his place, I'm finding it very hard to even believe, I don't understand where it's all coming from.
Last week Monday I did some more packing, I was there the entire afternoon.
Granted, took the time to watch a bit of TV, snuggle with the cat aswell, and we ate together when he got from work, then I left.
The next day, I went to his house straight from work, and I had this feeling every time I packed another box, 3 or 4 new ones were waiting to be packed, where is this all coming from ??? *sigh*
I got an anxiety attack, I gave up, and went "home".

Last week Wednesday my shift was changed from the afternoon to the morning, because I was able to go with collegues to visit the other hospital we are merging with, which was nice, so I left straight after work to a friends house, who I was going with to Disneyland the next day for 3 days.

So were all very busy days, where I'd only be at the appartment in the evenings, so I knew after getting back from Disneyland I would fall into a black hole and crash completely.
(self knowledge)

Little did I know it would come even faster then I had thought
As I got sick the 2nd morning in Disney, and it didn't get any better, I left Disney with a fever, so last Sunday I completely broke down.
The internet hotspots just wouldn't work, no TV, and the heating in the place just wasn't working like it should, I was freezing, so I call Kenny, who was driving so was pissed because I always call at the wrong times, I just hung up, he calls back and tells me what to do with the heating.
I completely lost it, and started to cry that I just wanna go home!
He felt sorry for me, and as soon as he got back from being out, he came over to keep me company.
I was so sick, he was nice enough to take me to his house, get food for me aswell, and I just lie down on his couch with the cat on me.

Yesterday my mom, dad, aunt & uncle came for a visit, they were here for 2 hours, but when they left, it was like they had just walked in.
And all I could think to myself was: I wanna go back home with you!

I don't think I have never, ever, in my entire life, felt this lonely, like I'm feeling right now.

Being sick, home from work isn't helping that either, I know that, but I only work 20 hours a week, so I'm pretty sure the extremely loneliness feeling is going to go on for quite some time.

Going back home on my age wasn't a good idea anyways, and it was time to be on my own, but I sure wouldn't mind being home right now

[Sharifu]

Aww Nathalie, I could understand how you are feeling this way. Did you get your heating working now? As for being lonely, that would be really hard. But could you get your own cat? I know Kenny is keeping the white cat you two owned, but since he wants to keep that cat, could you get your own kitty? That would really help I think from being so lonely. Although now that I am thinking about it, I believe I remember you saying you weren't allowed to have pets in your new place... Is this correct? I feel it's horrible when apartments wont allow you have a pet, especially a cat. Since cats are quiet, not messy and easy to take care of.

[nathalie]

Yeah, Kenny came over that Sunday evening, and he had a look at it.
And no, I couldn't keep the cat from his granddad

I'm at Kenny's again now, I know this can't go on for much longer, but it might be easier to get used to it, if I don't have to be alone for at least 1 or 2 nights a week.
Well, that, and I needed to finish packing.
He called me a while ago saying he had the big car, if I wanted to come over and grab the last of my things.
I said I didn't have any boxes left yet, and then he asked if I wanted to watch some TV.
Pretty sure it's all out of pity, but I deserve it, after all those years.
Taking the advantage of getting some online things in order too on his connections, which is safe, the hotspots I use during the day, I can't use for bank stuff etc ...

[Vidan]

[EDIT: I removed a lot of the detail from this post as it felt weird for me to just have my life out in the open like that. I know the point was to open up a bit, but maybe it was too much at one time. . Ask me privately if you're curious. I do have the full post saved elsewhere.]


Some of you may know that, as of 2012, I returned to college full-time to finish my bachelor's degree, after a long (11 year!) absence. It took me a bit longer than expected -- I was hoping for 3 years, but it ended up being 4 -- but I'm finally graduating with a computer science degree, in just 3 weeks from now! At the moment I don't really feel all that excited or accomplished; my actual thoughts are more on the line of "it's about time you got that piece of paper" and "great, time to send off hundreds of resumes!"


Other than that, in just in the last month, my mind has been consumed with soul searching. Basically, I've been evaluating where I am, what I'm doing, and what I want in life. I had this logical progression of thoughts (sorry if they seem all jumbled together, because they're fairly inter-related):


1. I haven't been tremendously socially active since going back to school, to the point where I feel like I've lost touch with a number of people or just generally fallen off the social radar. So, I've had this tremendous drive recently to reconnect with people and perhaps get to know some a little better.


2. I think I've been pretty good at putting up a gate to my inner thoughts and feelings that I rarely let open, to the point where I've had more than one person describe me as being "hard to read", or just completely misinterpret who I am.

3. There are some things I want to prioritize for myself over the next several (2, 5, 10?) years. Things that seemingly came to mind out of nowhere, but if I think about it, make a lot of sense considering my situation. They are:

- Create something substantial of artistic value.

- Develop a good work/life balance. I know I'm just about to start a new career, and people in my field can often get sucked into working 50-60 hours a week or more if they're not careful, but I'd like to aim to give myself enough free time for hobbies and properly unwinding.

- Get in shape! Exercise more! I think everyone wants to achieve this goal though.



I feel like there's probably more on my mind, but that's quite enough for now. It's strange that all these different thoughts are hitting me at once. Maybe I've reached a significant fork in the road and my brain is saying, "Hey, you've got to steer one way or the other, you can't just barrel through the sign in the middle!" As I said, I didn't post this necessarily for advice (though I welcome any thoughts or feedback), just to open up a little more on here and clear my head a bit. I did feel pretty good to type all that out; I've shared pieces of this with some others lately, but I think this is the first time I've collected my thoughts together in this way.

[Azerane]

There's a lot to reply to there, more than I have mental power for at this time since I've been fighting off sleep for a couple of hours, but I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading and getting to learn more about you. Just wondering what you know about me now after having read through all of the Love Life thread

[Vidan]

No worries! Thanks for reading, I appreciate it. I'm still not entirely sure why I felt like I had to type all that out, but it was nice to be able to externalize thoughts I usually keep private.

Just wondering what you know about me now after having read through all of the Love Life thread

I only really skimmed the thread that was started in 2011. (I'm assuming there's an older one but I'm not really that interested to dig it up. ) It's neat that you were able to maintain a relationship over such distance for such a long period of time, though!

[Guntur]

I really enjoyed the post there Vidan, it's not TL;DR at all. I'm enjoying what I've read by your post. I don't think that you're an admin with few words though, we're in our 30's or late 20's are rather tedious living in an adult life. I'm sure all the new members understand that and as an old Members I completely understand that.

I'm glad that we talk a lot in Steam, including that Humble Bundle deal. I'm still curious if you taken our advice to purchase a lot of good Triple A game in the steam Thread.

Anyway good that you are here man.

[Vidan]

Thanks, Guntur. (I don't really have the time or desire to game much lately, but the info is appreciated.)


Typing out the above post was cathartic but difficult, considering I'm generally uneasy about sharing my inner thoughts to others, especially groups of people, and especially when unprompted. It could be pride, could be a self-esteem issue, could be that I'm more inclined toward thought than feeling, I'm not sure. To be honest, part of me feels like the post was a bad idea, and wants to delete it -- most likely the part that's afraid of being judged, or thought inferior, or not thought of at all. Ultimately, I feel positive that I at least tried it out, even if the post was quite long and maybe hard to process.

The part with thoughts about sexuality, etc. was particularly difficult for me, and the part where I felt most vulnerable. I really only feel like I've started to understand myself about this issue in the past month (by virtue of forcing myself to think about it), and really have only had one meaningful conversation about it since, so sorry if that part seemed unstructured.

I just had this thought earlier today that all there is to know about me is out there somewhere -- I've told at least one person something about any given aspect of myself -- but there is no one person that knows everything about me. Is this common, or ought I open up more?

[ThiagoPE]

Vidan, I heard your thoughts and I can say I identified myself with most of it

-I spent more than 10 years in a graduation that I was not liking (engineering), ended up going to another (computer science) which I also don't feel any motivation to finish it: hard study for getting a low paying job which asks a lot from you.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that values a lot people with a degree even if it is not used for that specific person. My mother for example, she have two graduations but her job doesn't request none. My father also had two graduation and only recently he started using one, after 25 years working without needing it.

In short, what I wanted to say is, you should not feel that way, even tough lots of people have the same feeling.

-I even tough not considering me anti social, I know now it's very rare to me stay in touch here (online) or even in real life. Basically, I don't like to bother other people's business... My seem odd, but that's my way, so I end up having only very few friends that we talk often. Like i said, there is no specific reason for that, that is just my way...

-About sexuality, I also feel that I will only have a sexual attraction for someone with emotional bond. That is not a "problem" for me, even tough some close workmates calls me asexual and even gay, I don't care, but I know this can be annoying for who cares about it.

Well, what I can say is, you are not the only feeling for those things, it is a good thing, however don't go crazy about it, we all are in the same boat.
If you need a friendly shoulder, you know you can find it here

(Sorry my bad English)

Enviado de meu LG-D337 usando Tapatalk

[Vidan]

-I spent more than 10 years in a graduation that I was not liking (engineering), ended up going to another (computer science) which I also don't feel any motivation to finish it: hard study for getting a low paying job which asks a lot from you.

Thanks for your reply, Thiago. Are you saying Computer Science jobs don't pay very much in Brazil? (Could explain why a Brazilian international student I knew wanted to find a job here.)

I know now it's very rare to me stay in touch here (online) or even in real life. Basically, I don't like to bother other people's business...

Exactly! I usually don't like to disturb whatever others might be doing, which is why I rarely send messages to people that just say, "Hi"; I feel like I need something specific to say.

even tough some close workmates calls me asexual and even gay, I don't care, but I know this can be annoying for who cares about it.

Is it because you don't ever talk about relationships, or don't talk about people like they're objects to be looked at and admired? I feel like that's the case with me. If someone were to come up to me, point someone out or show me a picture, and say, "Isn't that girl hot?" I wouldn't even know how to answer that question. That's also why the few times I've poked around online dating sites the only profiles that really grab me are the ones that are well-written and for whom our personalities and interests seemed closely aligned. (Not saying looks are unimportant, but someone's photo is never going to be the thing to draw me in.)

This reminds me somewhat of the time someone I managed said I reminded them of Will from Will and Grace. I didn't ask why, I just said, "Really? Not sure about that, but okay." So because I never talk about women in a remotely sexual way, I'm just gay. And somehow a flamboyantly gay stereotype, at that! That's definitely not the only time someone made assumptions, but it definitely stands out.

[ThiagoPE]

Vidan, Here basically you have two kinds of IT companies, the big ones, which pays you fine but ask you a lot and the mediums/little ones that pay low and ask the same as the big ones or even more....(because they have less people to do the same job)

What i mean with "ask a lot", for example, asks you for a code that is basically impossible to do in the amount of time they give, forcing you to work more than what the law allow (in Brazil, 8h/day + 2h as extra), and paying you as if you were working only the 8h/day.

I will tell you an example, at my work, which is not an IT company but has an IT departament, I was perceiving that the interns, which by law cannot do extra time and has a limit of 6h/day of work, were staying after the 14:00 (time we are released from work)..., one day i was in the restroom and i heard their complaints "We are not interns, we are slaves!" because them were being requested to do more than what their wage pays.

In my college, there is a teacher that often tell his experience working for a company here "there were times we started working at 08:00 and were only released to go home at 22:00!" "during one job, we brought our beds to the office, i was working from 06:00 to 02:00!" and what him say i like most "working with IT is always like this, if you want to give up the course, the time is now!"

Álso the wage is not so atractive.... because there is not minimum wage law for this profession, so basically the wage for a programer is like R$4000 (today 1 USD = R$ 3,50), to compare, my job for me only print cards and workiung only half time pays me R$2000! So i think, even if the asking level here and there is the same, the wages seems to be much more atractive than here


well, when i was young i used to chat with a lot of people online without a subject, that subject could apper during the chat... Today i usually don´t bother no one, but if someone wants to chat with me... if im free, i would chat normally, may be we end up finding some thing we both like, and then talk about it.... basically for me start a chat today, i need to have at least a reson for that, because i don´t want to bother others....


Basically, i tend to not discuss sexuallity with my friends and workmates, and how people loves to care about others lives, (if you go to your work, and don´t talk to no one, only doing your job, you are called anti-social, but if you talk with everybody, some will complain you talk a lot, is too much popular), perceiving that i always avoided that, people stated making those assumptions about me....
I think people should stop in caring about other peoples lives. if i will die single, if i will become gay or not, this is a thing that concerns only me, how i like to fight agaisnt those concepts of the modern society, i will keep ignoring those people, because what matters to me is that im happy the way i am!

[Guntur]

http://leahalalela.net/showthread.ph...Zack-Condition http://leahalalela.net/showthread.ph...highlight=Meat

I think it's time to revisit my depression topic, I think some of you guys knows that I have a severe case of depression. To be honest, it is Schizophrenic. for some people I may look like having Asperger, or even Autism symptom. But in my own code and life I remain optimistic and oblivious with my surrounding that irk few people online and offline. But they didn't know I am good at hiding my illness publicly. I even confessed to my mother that I was a stoner for 8 years, Yes I am good at hiding my own habits.
But mostly I managed to calm my self by smoking a pack of cigarettes everyday, just because the nicotine calm me down when I'm under stress and all. But once in a while I will get a panic attack, like last week and today. My doctor told me that my chemical in my brain are unbalance and I couldn't live without my medication which I take from 2008, I even quit smoking weed due for the side effect making me into paranoia and OCD. I'm not seeking attention or anything but if you see this as a scribbles I understand, I can't even understand what I'm typing some time but that's how words fall down from my brain to my fingers typing.