I think the last time I made a post about my own self here was... high school? I had a MAJOR crush on this girl. That all ended horribly, but who can say they're still with their high school crush, right? By now, she's just a distant memory and in retrospect, I can see that it never would've actually worked out. I was better off staying single.

In January of this year, I moved out to rent a house with a couple of my best friends. They're a couple and they've been together for a few years now. I never expected to be so emotionally affected by living so close to people that have what I'm looking for. I soon began feeling an intense loneliness. Spending time hanging out with my friends was great, but every night, they went to bed and still had each other and I went to bed and I was alone. The juxtaposition was jarring. I soon fell into a deep depression. Not the kind of depression you can understand if you haven't been through it. Not just a long period of general sadness. This was different. It was like a constant loop of emotional numbness followed by fear that I was going to be this way forever, and then back into numbness. I developed panic attacks. I'd lie awake late at night or stare off into the distance, heart pounding, just feeling crushed by the weight of the world and feeling so alone. I could always rely on my friends to lift my spirits but nobody could pull me out of this. All they could do was be there for me. But even then, I still felt alone. Slowly, but surely, I began picking myself up. There were several "footholds" along the way, events that helped a lot. I've moved on now. Things are feeling back to normal. But I still crave that closeness to someone that I've never had.

These days, I'm looking to the future. I'm working on self-improvement now. I want to be the best person I can be for the lioness that comes into my life. I'm about to move into an apartment closer to work. I'll be living on my own, which I'm actually looking forward to. It'll allow me to focus on developing myself mentally, physically, and emotionally, without the distraction of people around me who are already where I want to be.

Finally, I want to reach out to anyone who may have been through the same thing, or maybe you're in that dark pit now. You're not alone. It will end. You will feel happiness again.