The Community Advice Thread

[Sharifu]

I'm so sorry Revo, just reading about you getting the chance to talk to your dad alone is making me tear up, and I have never been in that situation. I guess I am picturing how that would be if I was in that situation with my mother. I am glad though that you got that alone time with your dad to talk to him, even if you're not sure what he understood. But I bet he understood more then you could know, just like Safila said. I hope it gives you peace that you had that chance to talk to him and let him know how you felt.

That is very sweet how you and your siblings are trying to make a good Mother's Day for your mom. It will be hard on of all you, but at least you have each other for support. Your mom is very lucky to have such sweet and caring children.

I wish I could say more, but I am not sure of the right words to say for this situation. I really feel for you and your family though, it's really the hardest thing to ever go through, losing a loved one. I'm sorry Revo.

[Azerane]

Brief background info: Currently in a situation where I may be moving into a different rental soon. While checking out new places online, I find myself torn between the possibly longer-term happiness decision, and the more short-term sensible decision.

The longer-term happiness is a larger place, generally nicer, with more features (dishwasher, covered parking etc) and more space for Bandit to have his own room or in separate living are. Therefore the potential is that when Pat moves in, we could be happy to live there longer term (a few years). The place I'm currently looking at in this range is at the very top of my price limit. It is $60 per week more than what I'm currently paying, however I also just signed at work for more hours (an extra $110 approx. per week).

The smart option is generally two bedroom with a single smaller living area, sometimes joined to the dining room, sometimes a small separate dining room. Two beds limits me to having Bandit in the living area (since computer desk and spare bed would be in 2nd bed) but since the living areas are generally smaller, it would be a bit tight. I also worry about people coming over who may be allergic and having his cage in the main room. Also, less amenities (no covered parking, no dishwasher, lesser heating/cooling systems, no shed for Bandit's hay etc) and gererally less nice/older kitchen/bathroom but not gross old These places are around the same price as what I'm paying now, and with making an extra $110+ per week, it's a very smart option. And I would be saving well. Though I worry about feeling cramped and a year from now, having to go through the moving process yet again.

Having said all that, I may not be moving at all, but these are things I feel I need to work out now in case things have to happen quickly once they're decided. Advice?

[nathalie]

Hmm, from the sound of it, this place is 60 $ per month more, but has a lot of extra options, an extra room.
I think if you're looking for a home, and don't plan on moving around much (because in the end, how many times would you wanna move untill you find something you are happy with?)

If you can make it, and knowing Pat is coming to live there for good, looking at all the extra options this new place has, and you feel like "this is it", then I would so *go for it*.
I've lived in many houses, and I still haven't been able to call one of those houses "my home", because I just don't like how they look, the inside (well, we're renovating now, but it's so limited in what you can do in the end, and it'll never be how you really want it, I know that, but still).
So I would totally go for it, if you think that place could be a "dream" house.

[Sharifu]

Hmm, I probably would want to go for the more expensive place, since you would probably be making approximately $110 more a week anyways. Personally I hate moving, it stresses me out, so that is probably why I think that way. I don't think I would want to move to a smaller place, just to move again in a year. But I guess if you really need to be saving up some money and putting it aside, it would be a good option for you. Hopefully it wont take Pat too long to get a job either when he moves there. I know he couldn't get a job the last time he was there, but I kind of wonder if employers just saw that he was going to be in Australia for a short time (less then a year) and that they would rather hire someone more permanent.

[Azerane]

Thanks guys, the more I think about it the more you're probably right. What's mostly scaring me is the jump up from what I'm currently paying in rent. However with increased pay, there's no reason I shouldn't be able to achieve it. I went and looked at two places today, one was a cheapy which could have been nice if the current tenants had ever mopped the kitchen floor or didn't have clutter everywhere, haha. The other place was the super nice one I was talking about, and boy, was it ever nice. It has literally everything we want out of a place, and I even got to pet a kitty while I was there So I'm kind of really hopeful about all this, just hope it doesn't end up not happening. If not, I'll be moving over Christmas time and that's not really something I want.

[Azerane]

Well, it's all set that I will be moving at some point, it's currently just a matter of where and how soon. I put in an application for the really nice place that I liked, just waiting to see whether I get it or not although I'm not sure I like my chances.

Thanks so much for your feedback and support. Ultimately, you guys were right. Better to find a really nice place now and be comfortable and happy there for a while than have to move again and just be getting by.

[nathalie]

I am so sick and tired of my life

I don't really have friends in real life. I have a Disney-buddy who I go with usually, and a concert buddy, but those aren't friends.

When Kenny's best friend only takes advantage of him, and I say something about it, Kenny even has the nerves to say "rather a friend like that, then NONE at all".
It hurts so much when he says that.

My job, whenever I have to go to the office by bus, knowing I won't be alone there and be with people who I know gossip about me and laugh about me, I am so extremely sick, this morning, a Polish lady had to help me, she hardly spoke any Dutch (happens in Antwerp), she offered me something to drink and eat so I'd feel better again. Then she hold my arm when I was getting on the bus (she had to get on the same one as I did).

It's just not worth it. And I can't even talk to my friggin' boyfriend about it, because he doesn't understand, and even then, when I came home whe had a fight about that friends-thing, because his best friend is being extremely rude (just he can't see it himself), and he left into town for these stupid games they do every year here, and I'm pretty sure he won't be back home untill 3am or so (and it's almomst 8pm now).

I just wanna give up.

[Sharifu]

Aww, I'm so sorry Nathalie. I understand how you feel. When I lived in Oregon, I had no friends that lived there. Luckily the people I worked with at Fred Meyer, almost all of them were really nice to me. But still, I never hung up with any of my co-workers outside of work. I am really so picky when it comes to making friends. I want friends that like to play video games and have the same interests in movies as I do, and that is hard to find.

When I moved back to Oregon, I really only had four friends in the bay area of California that I spent time with. Now that I am back in California, I really only spend time with one of them (Vidan, he is also our room mate). My last friend in the area is an hour drive away and honestly we are not that close anymore. He's been kind of jerk sometimes. The two girl friends that I actually grew up with and are closer to live far away, one lives in Southern California, so a 6 or 7 hour car ride away.. But at least whenever I go to Disneyland, I can visit her. (Which is not very often usually. Can't afford a Disneyland trip right now) And my other girl friend lives in Utah now. Which is like an 12 hour drive away. Maybe now that I have a job I can visit her in Utah someday. But I do miss being able to hang out whenever.

So I know I'm not totally alone, but sometimes I feel that way, being alone in this house all day while everyone else is at work or school. And I felt pretty alone in Oregon before Petteri moved in. I had my mom of course, and Bella our dog, but that's not the same as spending time with friends. But I will hopefully be starting school again in a few weeks and working soon too so I won't feel alone most of the day.

What Kenny said, "rather a friend like that, then NONE at all" is a very hurtful thing to say. What I could suggest to say is, "I'm just looking out for your well being, it's not healthy to have friends like that. Yeah I don't have any friends, but that does not mean I would want friends that would hurt me. And what you says really hurts my feelings." Maybe you did already tell him that, but if I not, I would let him know how that makes you feel. Although, I guess he must know that is a hurtful thing to say... I wish I was better at giving advice... Well, hugs to you!

I still consider online friends, real friends, it's just you can't hang out together in person, well, at least not very often...

[nathalie]

Whenever I say something about his 2 "best friends" he gets very hostile.
He keeps saying the guy did something for him when he was feeling depressed at one point in his life, so he thinks he ows him so much.

Back in 2010 & 2011 Kenny revamped the entire house, there was nothing in that house, everything had to be build in and whatever, Kenny worked there every Friday & Saturday (while we kept fighting about the fact, I would like to do something on one of those evenings), and he did it all for FREE!
His "best friend" never even slipped him some money, because I don't know, but if a friend of mine works in my house for nearly 2 years every single weekend, I would at least offer him something, or take him out to dinner, or whatever.
But NOTHING. Kenny is so stupid to have done it all for nothing, and he got nothing in return, how rude is that?

I only worked half a day, because I was going to go along to those games, but right before we left, he said he's going to his friend next week, and in 2 weeks help him move.
I knew he mentioned something about moving, and it already upset me big time.
So first thing I said was: are you joking ??? You fixed that house for nearly 2 years, for FREE, and he's selling it, while you never ever got something in return for it ??? And he wants you to come and have a look at the new house ??? (so Kenny can do some more FREE stuff there) and help him move ???

Where was your "best friend" when you moved all your stuff to this house, huh ??? NO WHERE!

How rude is that of that guy? Selling a house, my boyfriend completely made it into a home for free.
And then Kenny says: he always gives me something for my birthday.
Lol, that is SO NOT TRUE, and I don't understand why Kenny is telling lies to himself.
That guy has been here only for ONE birthday in the past 4 years, and obviously, he brought a gift, it's what you do when you are invited to a birthday party (that, and it's was Kenny's 30th, so the giftcard from Ikea had a bit more money on it then for a regular birthday I suppose).

Kenny's lying to himself, and I don't understand why he's doing that ... fear of losing that guy? Who wants friends like that?

And yeah, I may not have friends in real life, and that may hurt, but rather no friends, then someone who only takes advantage of me.

So I let him go alone to the games.
I slept for a bit (it's all I seem to do lately), and I went over there to have a look around 6pm, but I was basicly just ignored by him, he didn't even say "hi" or anything. And when I said something about that, he said "if it's to make a scene you can go back home". Excuse me? o_O
When we were alone for a moment at the cafe the game was at, he started talking to me.
And I asked him, what I needed to do, for him to jump for me, like he does for that guy.
I asked him 3 times in the past 6 months to help me with the dishes, and he always refused o_O
He said: I'll only help you when it's a 5 minute job, not when it's dishes from the past 3 days.

But there's the thing, I can't do it anymore, it's too much, I get NO help, and he keeps making the piles in the kitchen bigger and bigger, because if he doesn't help me do them, HE makes the pile bigger, because he takes new glasses and mugs out of the cupboards.

I simply don't understand what it is that guy ever did for him.
If that guy says "jump", Kenny will ask "how high?"

I know, I have online friends, but even I need a hug sometimes, hehe. And the ones I do have, aren't from Europe, so then you get those bloody timezones.


the writing in caps, doesn't mean I'm yelling, just pointing some things out a bit more

[Sharifu]

Why can't Kenny help clean his share of dishes? You're working a job now too. I don't know why he thinks you should do them all, unless he is so old fashioned that he thinks that is women's work. (And I can't stand men that think like that, ugh!)

[nathalie]

He thinks this is "hotel mama", but his mama left 4 years ago! I ain't taking over that job.

Because he does all the work, to get the house all fixed and stuff, he feels he needs to do nothing else but that.
That's the least of my worries I guess.

I need to figure out what I'm going to do with this job, I cannot go through so much pain every single morning for another 6 months.
I was quite happy that Friday 2 weeks ago would have been my last one. And then that awefull evaluation report she made about me, it just ruind everything even more.

I'm not social they obvisouly don't know me, and don't want to know me, so why should I bother.

[Sharifu]

Relationships require communication... You should tell him that you and him both need to come to an agreement about how chores are split. Not just assume you have to do all the dishes because he does other things. I really think you two need to sit down and talk about it. It's not right for one person to say, "Nope I am never doing this and I will never change my mind or consider other options." People really need to be more open minded then that, especially when it comes to relationships. I really think communication is the key.

[nathalie]

I just don't get why he carries this guy on hands and foot, while he won't even do one thing for me.

And I'm on my way to work now, on the bus, holding it together, holding back tears, because I feel so sick *again*.

I should have never signed that stupid contract.
I needed to follow my guts on it, instead of just the money. Nothing is worth feeling like this every day.

When I got home yesterday noon I felt fine again.

[Sharifu]

I know how you feel, we really needed the money, but I still left Foods Co. I still felt kind of guilty about it even months later. Although, Petteri mentioned it just wasn't worth it considering how unhappy I was there. But I feel better now that I will be working sometime soon.

[Nalas]

OK, guys, I'm stepping forward:

Since September 11th of this year, I had been real fortunate to be in contact with one of my favorite Broadway actors via email; he let me interview him. Well, I accidentally got a little too carried away and on the 12th of this month, him and I got into a little dispute over a misunderstanding. Now he isn't having me talk to him until January. I feel awful, much less, guilty for what I did. I sent him an apology on Thursday, but he hasn't gotten back to me.... I just really miss communicating with him. I've been trying to distract myself and keep myself occupied, but it really hasn't been helping. I still keep him in my prayers; I say one for him every night before I go to bed. He said he'd keep me in his prayers.

If anybody has advice or what-not, I'd be grateful.

[cleargreenwater]

OK, community, let's hear any tips you guys might have. I'm going to Florida next week to spend a week with my father and stepmother before heading north up to Disney and the Lea meet.

My stepmother is not my cuppa and a potentially scary person. She is obsessive about my father and I've always been the one "other woman" she's never been able to completely get rid of, which my father exasperated by making me and insurance money his excuse to not marry her for upwards of 2+ decades. She's loud, pushy, and manipulative, and I'm sure at the very least I'm going to spend the 5 days with them hearing about what a terrible child I am for not keeping up with my father's health, all while she has had my number blocked from their phone because she occassionally gets the delusion that I'm passing messages on from my mother, 24 or so years after she "won" him from her. She isn't always caught up in her hang-ups like that, but it's an ever-present possibility.

I'm not super close with my father either, he happily walked when I was 13 so I don't even have that "divorced child" experience of staying with him on weekends or anything to go by, we reconnected during college before his first heart-stent procedure, and can't rely on him to have guts or health if she crosses a line.

I'm making this attempt as an adult who is being equitable and trying to do the right thing since he does have heart problems, and who has every right to a nice vacation, and a reasonable expectation to be staying with other mature adults who are able to conduct themselves as such.

That's hard to keep in mind when it comes to parents and triggers sometimes, though, and hope no lines get crossed while there, because I'm sort of a coward and find confrontation extremely stressful.

Anyone have any advice for dealing with difficult family members or potentially toxic/challenging visits?

[nathalie]

Hmm, I'm not sure what you could do. You say your number is blocked, is there anyway you can proove that right there on the spot? So your dad can see? By how you feel about her, I'm wondering why your dad is together with her :/ She doesn't sound like a good wife.

Being the bigger person, if the other one can't, is usually the best thing you can do, and thinking like: I'm here for such a short time, is it really worth to start making huge fights? But on the other hand, maybe if it can be discussed finally, it can do some good?

[nathalie]

Had a fight with Kenny's mom last night.
She was here, I see her, and I tried saying hello, and my lips moved, but no sound because of my extremely bad cold.
I go back upstairs. I hear them both raising these voices, Kenny comes back up all irritated, I ask what's wrong and if says I didn't say hi to his mom, but I did.

I just flipped! So in full anger I go downstairs, and I tell her I did say hi, but I'm sick so my voice isn't there sometimes, so no need to start a fight between me and Kenny!!!! I slammed the door and went back upstairs. Kenny told her I was sick, and yet she made a big deal out of it and made sure me and Kenny had a huge fight --> once again, about her. 90 % of our fights, involve her.

I'm starting to think lately, if we just break up (I don't want to), but she'll be out of my life, and she can't hurt me anymore.
Last year she did really ignore me by not saying anything to me when she did leave a party, first thing I thought was last night "are you getting back at me?" but that wasn't possible, since she really didn't say anything to me, and I did last night.

I told my psych, I'd go "around her" if she's near me, but with the holidays coming up ... *sigh*.
Gonna do my best though to run away from her. I don't wanna see her.
I have done nothing wrong to her since I met her, and all she does is giving me crap, and making me feel worse, and making me and Kenny fight.

[Utora]

I'm not one for advice because, well..the way I do things really isn't anyone's cup of tea.
I do try to empathize though...

I am sorry you are going through this, it must be emotionally and physically taxing when all you probably want is some harmony and understanding.
Truth is, it looks like she is just doing this to get attention..she can wield Kenny against you..somehow this makes her think she's getting her way.

I understand this only because a guy I darted - his mother was similar but not to this extent. Very passive aggressive though. I told him he had to make a choice, and start telling her off or I would start doing it..and believe me, if she wasn't *****ing yet she'd certainly be screaming by the time I was through with her.
I just don't understand though..why Kenny doesn't take her aside and tell her off?? If you have to carry this trial alone..I mean that's that.

I refused to be a cohabitant of my boyfriend's establishment with "the dictator" upstairs, locking doors on me, telling him I left a tpilet fan on for 50 minutes when it was more like 5 seconds...oh man, that story...

It may also be she truthfully doesn't want to share space and that is the issue maybe? I discovered that my boyfriend was not representing his mother properly..she was not very ok with us sharing the eastablishment. If they had been upfront I would have been kinder..but nobody is direct.
I don't know..maybe breaking up isn't the exact answer, but distance...there needs to be healthy boundaries..your basic needs aren't even being respected..so it's not gunna get any better until there's some space and respect from their end.


It was same for me, I never did anything wrong, but they acted like I was some thief, or criminal, or rude invasion of their lives but nobody was being upfront about anything! People cannot read minds. You gotta have communication, understanding, respect and love for eachother. If it's hostile territory, it just won't happen. I tend to become overbearing and dopminant when I'm bombarded with that BS, so they felt my presence and backed off...but I also was kind to them and left formally.

It's sad really, because while they spend all this time being disgruntled they are missing out on connections and establishing a relationship..for what?



Ask yourself what you want and make it happen. Don't settle for anything less.

[nathalie]

Kenny usually tells me to not listen to her, to just ignore what she says and he's told her off in the beginning, but I understand he can't keep doing that, it's still his mom.
Not sure if you understand correctly, or if I'm understanding what you say, but she doesn't live here.
We live upstairs at the moment, as the living room + kitchen are being rebuild, Kenny has his own house.

His mom never really cared for him much, his sister was the precious one. (you know, every parent has it's favorite)
But now his mom needs her house all fixed too (for the past 2 years already) and all off the sudden, she can't live without Kenny.
Pretty sure when her house is done, Kenny won't see her as much anymore.

Even though Kenny told her I was sick, so she may not have heard me, she still apperently went on about it, which pissed him off (can't epxlain the raising voices part otherwise), which pissed me off, and I ain't in no position anymore to bottle up things.
Not after I actually tried having a conversation with her 3 months ago, when I told her I was in a very bad shape, and I need him once in a while too, to which she replied "but ... he's my son, and my kitchen needs to be done". The hell??