Well hello everybody, it's been a while.. again. Hopefully people still remember me , although my activity here has been short from non-existent.
Not really looking for advice here. But even after many years or inactivity, this forum still feels like the only place where I can openly talk about this kind of stuff. I think that says something powerful about the community... or my lack of social skills. I hope you'll indulge me to just ramble about me and my own things for awhile. Not what I usually like to do, but I guess this thread was meant for that kind of stuff. Anyway, sorry for the super-long post.

So long story short, over a year ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer (a lymphoma, if someone is interested). He's gone through all sorts of fancy treatments throughout the year and, well... none of them worked. It's been evident from the start that this type of cancer is very aggressive and doesn't have high survival rates. But recently, like a week or two ago, his state has gone very downhill really fast, after they had given up on the last treatment.

Right now he's on pain medication and in a very poor state. Can't walk, stand, sit, or even talk all that well anymore. My mom and the nurses go help him with the feeding everyday. The meds make him a bit delusional, so he isn't really himself anymore when we go see him. The prediction is that he doesn't have many days left, and could basically have a breakdown at any moment. Even at nights we're waiting if there's a call from the hospital.

All of this basically came at a very bad time, as I'm in Uni, and couldn't really see my parents much. I saw them basically 2-3 times last year, when I visited them during midsummer and Christmas. All the time went into studying, and voluntary extra responsibilities, which I had accumulated before. Now I feel bad about not seeing him more. It was kinda shocking, seeing him last summer when he had lost all his hair, had a really raspy voice and couldn't walk well without help. He was extremely sporty and healthy before the disease, although he had other problems with his heart.
Now I've been visiting more within the recent weeks. Tonight me and my brother arrived (it's about a 3-hour drive) for what will probably be the last time, and we hope to go see him tomorrow along with my sis.

All that said, I don't think my isolating from them is completely a result of circumstances. Ever since high school, I had the vibe from my parents (especially my dad) that they didn't really think I could cope being independent. And so I had to keep "proving them wrong". I went to study abroad, wen't to live in a boarding school for one summer, kept using more of my own money for things instead of asking them, etc... and I just kind of got stuck into that mode of not keeping in touch with them. I do regret that now.
That might've also contributed to my personality nowadays, and why I find it impossible to talk about or express my real feelings to anyone in person. Always keeping a distance, always playing the happy-go-lucky guy, even though I sure don't always feel like it. Anytime I get too close to someone, I immediately get terrified and just want some distance. I never really had a heart-to-heart conversation with my dad about anything, and now it's kinda too late. I guess I owe some of that to Finnish culture, where those conversations are pretty rare.

This will also be the first time I've really lost someone dear to me. All my grandparents were dead before I was born, so I never learned to miss them. So that kinda makes this rollercoaster of emotions that i'm unable to express, that much bothersome.

Anyway, I do really hope to find it in me to be more active here. To be able to come here after so long and know I'll be welcome even with a frown on my face... It truly is worth something. And I know there's atleast one person here who can completely relate to what I'm going through. Sorry for the somewhat depressing post. And sorry for not addressing any of the other posts above me. Might've been a bit redundant, seeing as I haven't been here for the whole story.