I have to delete this soon. My fathers tracks my computer to hunt my mother down. This is the end. I am to die very soo; this is my love to you my friends. I jmust delete within 12 hours.

Look people think I'm some insane Russian, ok. Why? Because in my past I ran from my house in Nazi uniform screaming The Russians are coming!, or threatened to kill someone, or get deranged over Nazism or whatever it is God it does -not- matter now!

I have been, going on about it for so long, and it's one of those things where American police say Until there's proof.... but this is a situation where the end result IS the proof. I feel like I am delusional because it distresses me so. I have been on Lithium, and other pills for so long I am so very stable. And here I am, sitting out back my porch in Siberia, watching a sunset, you know all the worries of my parents nestled safetly.

So I talked to my mother for a while, and we just talk of things in our daily life. Then I'm on my own. I go up to the ridge where I practice snipering, and draw for the secret santa drawings. Here I am drawing perfectly for my buddy in the drawings and my pencil tip breaks and I grit my teeth and swear in Russian, then smile as if 'I know something' right like that matters, I'm just another Russian fool. And I sigh, no sharpener and look down the valley and ponder things. I think over my mother's conversation...my dad.

Yes, she will leave soon....he will go deranged. [sighs] He will go on and on and as if to shake you by the collar saying You know comrade you know where she is! and if, I do not break, which I pray to be so strong.....he will pursue her.

No he must know. See I suspected my father knew about my mother wanting to abandon him, and I warned my phscyatrist. Like I said long ago, when he ran about with a sidearm, planning her death and -openly- told her of that after she left the man! [tries to think in the mess; licks tiger maw and looks about in intense thought]

Ok so he says things now like "You need a passport for Canada?" and stuff, like he doesn't know, she's running to Canada. This man worked on DEFCON for the American Government. He is an ex Navy/Seal, he was top marksman on a damn B.A.R. I know, everything, and am not going to squeal. Nyet. I would like for my mother to live. I have been watching my parents for long time now, and you know it happens so slowly over time you start passing things up.

[trembles] Last night, he came in with my younger brother and my younger brother said, You know back in the states you can get a license to conceal a firearm! I'm like yeah Ben, I know this story I talked about it years ago at the Sheriff's department with the guy. My Dad says, in happy tone you know everyday life, and says Yeah! I'm thinkin' about gettin' one! Carry a .44 or something...Blackhawk! and he laughs, and I laugh....guns are common place in my home. We have over [scoffs] 103 rifles and pistols and it grows, with ammunition. We reload our own bullets. Our guns are not government tagged, they are curios, relics. I suspected I would not see it happen, for it could unfold like it was common talk or conversation; the moments leading up to her death.

I do not think of these things. My doktor say, you ignore stress and coupe, life gets better.

So here I am frustrated with my broken pencil, my broken home...and I am shot, right in the head by my own lack of account of things; I -saw- it happen.

[tries not to laugh; shakes tiger head] It's sick, it's a sick game that is going down! Like some mafia or KGB or police mental trick to make you break.

21 years ago, my father carried a sidearm, -without- license. He stalked my older brother Nickolai, when he was a boy, in the woods, and surpised him practicing his assault tactis. He swung my brother on the swing and carried the sidearm. Why do you carry that father? I like the feel of it by my side. This was before the Internet was involved. My father tracked my mother and her other man down, by hand, secretly....but because of his intellectual behavior he fronts it carefully among his offspring....like a lion bantering out to his cubs he will strike out and they should hide.

21 years later....it is common talk of getting a license...to carry, a sidearm. I am not, insane.



History repeats itself. It is happening and I have told everyone I know, and love and hope to give some advice. Police ignore me. God they practically have me on auto name so they know to ignore my calls, emails, letters and even physical presentation. I've called other people, you know safe houses social workers; nah....they've been here before..it's redundant. Nobody believes until it is in front of them.

So here is the situation, at present.

[sits on tiger rump; head erect, voice mellow tone as if a soldier reporting enemy plans on the front]

The game has begun. He knows it will go down within 2 to 3 months. His bonus from work arrives then too, convieniantly. He -knows- this man she goes to with love. It was an old friend of his. But he perhaps does not know she runs to the same man at this moment. He is good at hiding but I am too. He knows where she is going, airfaire, passport, medical information. He knows her intentions. All the chess pieces are in his favor now; he calls the shots...I can read this quickly...others cannot present. I warn them. My mother is appauled. She tells me her comrades at work know everything and when she dies....they will know. There will be truth to be served at my father in court.

I am DONE. Waiting. For a death, I coould perhaps prevent. Unnecssary for me to get involved; once this theory was true, now due to lack of proper help, I must defend what my mother cannot. I am trained by my father, 7 years now, ancient sniper ways. I can kill a being from 600 yards with a peep sight, no scope, in sunlight against me, any terrain. I can relocate, and dissappear, reappear and kill more again. I can assault from behind, I know close combat tactics. Ways to strangle; slit the throat in one move; break neck quickly, silently; razor wire. How to rewire explosivies; make instant homemade bombs. Kill and hide the bodies.

I strongly believe God, has ...allowed me to learn these things, for a certain shadow that creeps up behind me, as I wander in blindfold like a starved tiger, searching desolation for salvation and I pull the blindfold away and look into the black, the death, to come and see my face a mirror; I am the salvation.

No one, will listen. [falls to tiger knees and burries head; weeps] I will, do my best to lovingly mislead my father, lie for preservation of my wasted family. But I know him well, he will kill me too. I have seen this in his eyes. I will not fall before him blinded by compassion. He killed in cold blood in Vietnam, for his Navy tactics union. He lead it and achieved it; under his name. I will become, the soldier he made me and break bond and love, to reduce myself into a killing and defending being; worthless and hopeless yes but I will not let my mother die.

So. [fights tears, bites lip, curls tail and closes eyes] I will either die, running to catch the bullet. Or I will allow my, .....past..my ways, mixed with hate and evil to dislocate me from the love that would wish only both their lives; and I will snarl down the path and pull the trigger; and again, and again, and again until he no longer breathes among us.

They will arrest me.

Unstable and Schizophrantic daughter murders father, found 1000 miles from home found today. Will be trialed for first degree murder.

I will kill my father and kill what he made me along with my very self, to preserve an innocent and yes not perfect mother; but who would only dream of love and success and peace for her family. But due to my father's adultery, and verbal abuse..she is broken and torn at 50 years in age and will salvage whatever is left of her woman like soul.

I will never get to that point. I feel it, I know this; I always have! I think of my future. I wanted to fly, so high, like my grandfather, and his father.....to defend the motherland. I was insane and the military rejected me. I was in pre-training in Russia and they sent me home, and I walked away with my tiger tail between my legs, head hung, tears in my eyes. But I battled the depression and the suicidal thoughts. I can, fly for Aeroflot! Da! 2 bucks an hour to pay off my 100,000 dollar debt to college my mother wished for me to pass and my father said he'd support me and when the check came and I said Papa I have succeeded! Because of you, because of my mother, and now I will work for Aeroflot for life, so happy to just fly, and bring you money and pay off your debts, and mother and you live so happily together!

And there I am, my tigeress face beaming with pride for my father and mother, holding out the check, oh just reach out and sign it Papa we are so close!

I am left in the wind....smile falling, eyes searching for the face which now is turned, his tiger back to me, as if..I were not his own. I retract the bill, ashamed I asked for help. Wait, and then leave, for my brothers before me too, were cast away. I knew and would not wait. He buys his guns. 50,000 dollars worth in guns! If I am not with him I am against him. And, only darkness deals in absolutes.

You see I have no place in a future, that will not exist. I am here now. Letting you people know. The only people, to know me! A shallow, insecure afflicted tiger broken and lost, dellusional and ashamed of herself, shakily writing stories to bond with you, and be close and say Oh I have family!, because you are all I am.

Oh I had other friends! My father says They do you NO good! Nobody will love you like -this- family; this is it, this is as good as it ever gets. They manipulate you, lie; and you would listen because you are foolish.

I am not allowed friends!

[hangs head and cries]

I am spent. Nyet. I have, snuck...a Russian Makarov pistol out, and I have hidden it in my tiger hidey hole. [laughs and shakes head] It's...I will not say for my father will know. It is my mothers. she say I keep it. I slipped ..or more of forced my CZ-52 into the Makarov holster and set it back. He will never look twice. Because a man, who turns his back to his family, cannot see their drawing swords.

[shudders; wipes maw; sniffs]

Someone hear my cries. Say something; nothing to fix this. No I know my fate...just words of goodbye, of love and fellowship so I may know my family is not as good as it gets...but YOU people are better! Lions, tigers, dragons, and wolves; my brothers and sisters. Oh...da..[breathes softly]

I won't wait for the government to call my fate. Nyet. I am Russian by blood; the gun to my head, once I have run to the four corners of the Earth and they loom over me in my fathers shadow.

I don't do this willingl;; I do this, unknowingly.

[wipes tears away, smiles; puts tigress paw over eyes and stumbles about jokingly]

...yes comrades...I blind myself to save another. Not scraifice, NEVER, sacrifice I am....but of expent lies, and ailing love..for a family no more.

[looks down; is not crying; nods and smiles]

Yes. This is my cry. Know I am good person, I mean so well......and I go well too. To the stars I hope, with fathers who look down on me, plagued by their own madness now at peace; forgiving and ready to embrace their tigress daughter...perhaps a small star beside one so great and bright; my father...he is free now and so am I from the plague.

Da, it is certain.


Salut!

[nods once and heavy, happily, swallows fate and turns and pads away]