The Community Advice Thread

[nathalie]

I feel completely alone.
There is no one I can talk to. The friends I do have are all asleep as they are on the other side.

I feel I wanna talk about stuff, this funeral business for next week is turning out into a huge miserable day, because my nan had 8 kids, and they all want different things, and my mom is so nice to let people come together at hour home after the funeral (meant for just the family and 1 or 2 close family friends), but it's not enough for some of her siblings, they want to catch up with other people and drink coffee and eat pie and sandwiches.
(which is what we usually do after a funeral ... stuff ourselves and gossip ... my grandma didn't want this for her funeral, so we are respecting it, it's something where everyone who came to curch, or not, can go to, so instead it's just our family at my place).
Why should my mom be the one providing for food and stuff.
The others all want it, why don't they do it at their homes, instead of putting it all on my mom once again, and then start complaining and whining about stuff, instead of doing it all themselves.

Usually when I felt like this and I was home, I'd go to my grandma's, which I obviously can't anymore

[ThiagoPE]

Audra, i think you are being very courageous in taking such actions to achieve your dream of studying animation. I hope every thing goes fine for you, even because is so nice working with a thing we like. I hope the best for you.

Enviado de meu LT26i usando Tapatalk

[Sharifu]

I'm sorry to hear that Natahlie. I'm not sure what to offer for advice, I hope people come to their senses, and offer to help more and bring some food too instead of it all being put on your mom.

Thanks Thiago, sometimes I feel like I have a hard time starting to work on these animations. I think because I don't really enjoy effects animation, I'd rather be doing character animation. (But I will get to that)

[Safila]

Nathalie when dad died, mum had hassles with my uncle and a couple of aunties, they wanted different things and thought mum would just give into them, but she stood up for what she wanted. In the end she told my Uncle that if they didn't like it they could just forget about coming to the funeral, it wasn't about them it was about me her and dad.
Also to save mum haveing to spend money and stuff, we just had biscuits/coffee/tea at the 'reception room' at the chapel, which is what alot of ppl do.
It's really sad that funerals bring out the worst in ppl sometimes, they only was I reakon for things is for your mother to say that it can be held at a cafe or somewhere and everyone pay for their own food and drinks, and if she dosen't say anything, well then she has to cop it all and the expense.

*hugs* I'm sorry about loosing your grandma too.

[Sharifu]

Uhm....I wouldn't completely write off retail jobs for the time being. Unfortunately they're popular with people in college because they are the most flexible with scheduling and yet still can get some hours out of them.

Ugh, it doesn't seem that way to me at all... Someone from a Costco store called me today after I applied online. The guy I talked to, in the end of the conversation didn't want to hire me because I couldn't work on Friday. Even though I was available all day Saturday and Sunday, most of the morning and afternoon on Monday and all day Tuesday. All because I couldn't work Friday. Ugh. I was only offered a part time position which he said himself is 24 to 36 hours... I said I was available 4 days, this really annoys me.

Don't mind me really, just venting... I miss my old job in Oregon. I got paid more there too then what Costco offered me.

[Azerane]

Sorry to hear that Sharifu, unfortunately it's entirely possible that they needed extra people to help cover those Friday shifts, and if you can't, then there's no point in hiring someone if they're not going to fill the gap. Just keep trying, I'm sure that something will turn up. Consider it a good sign that people do want to hire you otherwise!

[Revo]

Well hello everybody, it's been a while.. again. Hopefully people still remember me , although my activity here has been short from non-existent.
Not really looking for advice here. But even after many years or inactivity, this forum still feels like the only place where I can openly talk about this kind of stuff. I think that says something powerful about the community... or my lack of social skills. I hope you'll indulge me to just ramble about me and my own things for awhile. Not what I usually like to do, but I guess this thread was meant for that kind of stuff. Anyway, sorry for the super-long post.

So long story short, over a year ago my dad was diagnosed with cancer (a lymphoma, if someone is interested). He's gone through all sorts of fancy treatments throughout the year and, well... none of them worked. It's been evident from the start that this type of cancer is very aggressive and doesn't have high survival rates. But recently, like a week or two ago, his state has gone very downhill really fast, after they had given up on the last treatment.

Right now he's on pain medication and in a very poor state. Can't walk, stand, sit, or even talk all that well anymore. My mom and the nurses go help him with the feeding everyday. The meds make him a bit delusional, so he isn't really himself anymore when we go see him. The prediction is that he doesn't have many days left, and could basically have a breakdown at any moment. Even at nights we're waiting if there's a call from the hospital.

All of this basically came at a very bad time, as I'm in Uni, and couldn't really see my parents much. I saw them basically 2-3 times last year, when I visited them during midsummer and Christmas. All the time went into studying, and voluntary extra responsibilities, which I had accumulated before. Now I feel bad about not seeing him more. It was kinda shocking, seeing him last summer when he had lost all his hair, had a really raspy voice and couldn't walk well without help. He was extremely sporty and healthy before the disease, although he had other problems with his heart.
Now I've been visiting more within the recent weeks. Tonight me and my brother arrived (it's about a 3-hour drive) for what will probably be the last time, and we hope to go see him tomorrow along with my sis.

All that said, I don't think my isolating from them is completely a result of circumstances. Ever since high school, I had the vibe from my parents (especially my dad) that they didn't really think I could cope being independent. And so I had to keep "proving them wrong". I went to study abroad, wen't to live in a boarding school for one summer, kept using more of my own money for things instead of asking them, etc... and I just kind of got stuck into that mode of not keeping in touch with them. I do regret that now.
That might've also contributed to my personality nowadays, and why I find it impossible to talk about or express my real feelings to anyone in person. Always keeping a distance, always playing the happy-go-lucky guy, even though I sure don't always feel like it. Anytime I get too close to someone, I immediately get terrified and just want some distance. I never really had a heart-to-heart conversation with my dad about anything, and now it's kinda too late. I guess I owe some of that to Finnish culture, where those conversations are pretty rare.

This will also be the first time I've really lost someone dear to me. All my grandparents were dead before I was born, so I never learned to miss them. So that kinda makes this rollercoaster of emotions that i'm unable to express, that much bothersome.

Anyway, I do really hope to find it in me to be more active here. To be able to come here after so long and know I'll be welcome even with a frown on my face... It truly is worth something. And I know there's atleast one person here who can completely relate to what I'm going through. Sorry for the somewhat depressing post. And sorry for not addressing any of the other posts above me. Might've been a bit redundant, seeing as I haven't been here for the whole story.

[Sharifu]

I'm really sorry to hear that Revo, that is really sad. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you right now. I am very close to my mom, but Petteri and I just recently moved away, about a 7 hour drive away from where we were living with my mom. I basically did that because community college in California is cheaper then Oregon, and that animation classes are offered here, they aren't in Southern Oregon. My mother has a lot of health problems and it seems like it has gotten worse the last year of living with her. She is all alone, she is divorced and has no family living near her. So in a way I understand how you feel guilty about not spending much time with your parents much lately. I feel guilty now and my mom doesn't have cancer...

I wish I could say something to make things better, but I know I can not... Cancer is so horrible. I'm so sorry you and your family have to go through this.

[Safila]

I don't really know how to start this post, cause after I read yours I burst into tears. No one really knows how you feel or what to say or do unless you have been through it.

It's horrible watching someone you love slowly die each day and there is nothing you can do. Dad also had a rare and aggressive cancer, except his was a bladder cancer and was told there was only 13-14 other people in the world who had it and he had 6 months to live. Dad did the natural way for the first year and awesome things happened and we were all happy cause we thought dad was going to beat it and live,but that second and his last year, horrible things happened to dad. I would put blankets on the bottom of my door so I couldn't hear dad pacing cause the pain meds weren't working no matter what they gave him, or other nights I would have Daisy on my bed with me cuddling her and trying not to hear stuff with dad or when ambulance came and got him cause the pain was too much. I used to feel guilty that it wasn't me who was sick, I would feel guilty when we argued about something, and I would feel guilty when I used to go out and have fun and knew that dad was there going thru all that stuff. I know alot of stuff mum kept from me so I didn't have to deal with it, but she did all by herself as we had no family here. I would feel guilty when I wished someone else would have it instead of my dad.
Mum said to me, we all have guilt about the ' what if ' or the 'why didn't I, but she said you have to let it go, it's been and done you can't change, just make sure what time you have left with that person you let them know how you feel.


It's going to be hard with what's going to happen, even though guys don't like to cry cause they think it's unmanly or something, try it when you're alone, it really works good,or even write down everything you are feeling, or talk to someone about it where you can just say whatever you want no matter what.. nothing works properly when you try and hold things in and try and push sad thoughts away, they usually come back another day.. I know that real well, and have been dealing with stuff this last 3-6 months.

So, you should go to your dad and wrap your arms around him, hold him and tell him you love him and always will and thank him for being your dad and promise you will always look after your mum for him.
Just love him while you can.

[Revo]

Thank you both for the kind words, really. Especially you Safila, I'm sorry for bringing up bad memories from before. I feel your pain aswell, now more than ever before. Thank you for the heartfelt advice. And although I know the bad feeling never really goes away, I hope it gets easier for you and you learn to remember more of the good times you had with your dad. That's what I try to do anyway.
Sorry for your mother Sharifu, I really hope it gets better for her. Loneliness is almost the worst part I must imagine. Make sure to call her whenever you can. That's the one thing I started doing a lot more often during recent months, even if I couldn't visit.

We visited him twice today, for about 5 hours in total. He can't speak, open his eyes or move at all anymore except for the occasional moan and twitch, so it's almost impossible to know whether he's sleeping or not. Especially since they amped up the morphine and seditatives, for the pain and the anxiety.
The hardest thing to think about is that he might be awake, but completely unable to respond to anything we say to him or tell us how to soothe him. We try do things that we think might make him feel better, like spraying his dry mouth with water, applying chapstick on his cracked lips, and fanning him to cool the fever. The nurses came about 3 times during the day to change his diaper and turn him over, and everytime his skin was bloodred where the swollen tissue had been pressed against the wrinkles in the sheets.
He's starting to show a lot of the signs of the end. Breathing is very shallow, hands and feet are cold and turning color... Even during last weekend, when he could still somewhat speak, he was saying he wished he didn't have to die, and wanted to live more.

One hour I feel strong and like I'm handling it well, another moment later I feel like breaking down in the middle of the street, and then back again. Even though my family is not all that close, I'm happy we're all gathered here.

[Safila]

Bad feelings always come back at silly times for some reason. I hate the fact that someone else has to go through what me and mum did, it's so hard so stop the thoughts coming into your head and replacing them quickly with good ones, they say it gets easier as time goes past, I guess it does a little bit, but you have to work at it, silly as that sounds.
Mum bought dad home here with us the last 4 days, he wanted to come 'home' but that was really hard as well. It so different when you visit them in hospital, and then there's your dad back home with you and you know that every time you look at him or hug him that its going to be taken away so soon and there's nothing you can do about it.

They say even though someone's body is slowly shutting down they can still hear you, thats what we were told. So everyone and us would talk to dad, sometmies we got a response or he would tighten his hold on our fingers but he knew we were there. We stroked up and down his arms and held his hands and rubbed them, mum would sit close and stroke his cheek and whisper things to him and stroke his hair and he would press in close. So I still say they can hear you as they want so much to stay with you. Dad kept saying how much he loved us and he didn't want to leave us alone but he couldn't fight any longer and for us to forgive him for going.. so yeah

Dad's last hour with us, mum and I were holding his hands and just stroking, and his fingers still moved a little in ours and he struggled in breaths but said to us "love you forever" and then he passed away.

keep talking to your dad, keep telling him you love him so thats in his mind forever

[Leorgathar]

Oh man

I could say that I've been there because I've lost some relatives because of cancer too, like my uncle who got it in the liver. But still I can't really know what you're going through. My uncle was close to me mainly because he was a dentist too and helped me through my career, but I didn't exactly live a childhood with him like I did with my dad, plus, I didn't get to see him during his last couple of months. They're just very different circumstances.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, Revo, it really must be hard on you I know I can't really offer any advice, Safila is much wiser on this and you should listen to her. But you know, even though we haven't really talked in years, I'm still your friend and I still consider you so, which is why it pains me to see you in this situation. You can feel free to approach me if you need someone to talk with or you feel like catching up. I can understand your need to distance yourself from other people, I feel like that too at times (I have my reasons), and that's ok, I know it's hard to keep contact with friends through the years like this.
But just remember that I won't ever forget you My best wishes for you and your family.

[nathalie]

So sorry to hear all that Revo, I don't really know what to say in situations like this.
My uncle also died because of liver cancer, but I had chosen to not see him when he was at his sickest (because I wanted to remember him like he was before and not what he looked like in the end).

Obviously, this is your dad, so you can't do that.
I guess, just try and make the most of it, and I'm pretty sure he knows you love him.

Much strenght

[Revo]

Yesterday we wen't again with my brother and sister. I couldn't muster up the courage to say anything in front of them, but I managed to ask if we could take turns on being alone with him. In a morbid way, it made it easier to open up when it wasn't clear whether he was conscious or not. I don't know if I could've done it otherwise. But I said what I needed to say, and we went again to see him in the evening. My mom and sister decided to stay in his hospital room for the night, while the rest of us went home.

Today, a little past nine in the morning my sister called to say that dad had stopped breathing and died. We went there with the whole family (my other sister aswell) to see him, after the nurses changed the blue sheets to clean white ones. It's a bit over noon now. We just came home, ate breakfast and hoisted the flag at half-mast. It feels somehow easier, knowing that atleast he's not in pain anymore.

It's Mother's Day tomorrow, so we're trying especially hard to make this easier on mom. We're making a cake for her and buying red roses, like dad always used to. It is clearly hardest for her, as they were married for almost 40 years. Mom's always been very religious, even more adamantly so in the recent years. None of us children are religious or members of the church anymore, but we indulge her when she feels like praying, or singing a hymn. It's her way of dealing with things. Last week dad had asked for himself to be christened to the faith aswell. I don't know if he wanted it more for himself or for mother, but I know it seems to have made mom feel a lot better about the whole thing.

Again, thanks for the support everyone. I know it doesn't seem like much, but you've already probably helped me deal with these the last couple of days more than you care to guess. Just being able to come here and spill myself out (which I never tend to do about anything), and get any kind of a warm response means so much.

[nathalie]

Oh my God, I'm so sorry Revo

[KanuTGL]

Oh, no... I'm so sorry for your loss, Revo

I... don't really know what I can say since I've never been in a similar situation myself, but know that I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts. Lots of hugs

[Safila]

I'm sorry you lost your dad Revo. Everyone says it's a blessing and that he's not in pain anymore, which is true. But after a few times of hearing I just wanted to slap that person and tell them to shut up, it might be so, but it was my dad that was finally taken away and gone forever, and I wouldn't see him again.
Maybe it will be a little easier on your mum seeing she has her religion to turn to. And making a fuss over her tomorrow will be really nice too for her.

Another hard part for you now too, with your dad's funeral. I didn't think I would want to, but I went with mum and it was me that chose dads coffin, I wanted the bright pink one they had and was going to glue glitter on, mum and I laughed about that and thought it would make dad raise his eyebrows and give us that silly look he used to do, so we thought we'd better not XD
But I did find the courage to sing and play two songs at dads funeral that he loved to hear me sing when I visited him in hospital, maybe you could do something too .
I hope the next week will go ok and pass by quickly with everything, give your mum a hug from me and my mum.
xo

[cleargreenwater]

Oh no Heart goes out to you & your family.

[Azerane]

I'm so sorry Revo. I'd read your previous post about him being ill, and was still trying to find the right words, but it seems I'm too late. I still don't really know what to say, but I am so very sorry for your loss

I'm glad you had the chance to say some final words to him.

[Kirauni]

I'm also very sorry to hear that.
Just like Azerane, I was thinking of what I could write you. But the words didn't seem to be right, so I remained silent.
As many here, I've never been in such a situation. My father died rather quickly and unexpectedly a few years ago. At that time I didn't realize what was happening until a few days later. However, I have a very hard time thinking about the events back then even today. How the paramedics tried to reanimate him and how I told my husband to keep my mother in the living room while I stayed with me father. I didn't want her to see what I did... but those are pictures I will never forget. And they are painful memories, even today. So I think I know you you feel right now.
I didn't know where I would be now if it wasn't for my father's, mother's and also my faith in God. So I'm glad your mother has Him and I pray for her that he'll give her the strenght to live on. I know how my mother suffered when she suddenly had to face everything on her own. Of course I will also keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I'm just glad you managed to say a few words to your father before he died. It was a really good think to get a few moments alone with him. No matter if he understood everything. I'm sure he knew or felt you were there and you did all you could.

*hugs*