Anxiety, OCD, Bipolar, etc.

[cleargreenwater]

[B]@@ CGW: Really, I had had no idea at all ever, that you were in the position you are in, I don't think you ever mentioned something that could lead someone thinking there might be something going on like that.

It's like my boss said after 1,5 years: I don't understand how you could have hidden it for that long and only break down only now ...

I am good at hiding it yeah ... I don't have any problems telling people eather.
I can't hide my emotions when you give me a wrong present, but I sure can hide this!

That's the thing, though, that's why I'm so happy and confident now that I can walk away from the therapy--I'm not pretending or hiding anything anymore, pretending and hiding just makes it worse, it makes you feel even more isolated & alone.

I understand the problem, I understand the hows and whys and whats of it now well enough that I can give it a pat-pat & move it aside & get on my way before it can sink it's claws in and loom over whatever path I've chosen to walk. I've learned to manage it to the point where it isn't important anymore. By making it your enemy you're still making it important, you need to view it each time it creeps up on you with techniques for checking it for the size it actually is. Sometimes it's still going to be a bigger opponent--I actually tried out to lead a tour group for the parks I volunteer with, and nearly hyperventilated & fell having to speak a practice presentation in front of a room full of people, obviously I'm limited by the disorder & unable to do activities like that--but in most cases once you learn the checks and the mechanics of what's really going on you find that its something that you can walk past safely.

There's different kinds of Anxiety Disorders, too, it sounds like you get the Panic & Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia.

Mine is classified Generalized Anxiety Disorder, its a chronic stress response to various traumas including Social Anxiety, I don't get panic attacks. Just built-up anxiety & a morbid fascination with my own death, lol.

But nothing makes you say "This is way out of proportion & really pretty dumb to suffer like this" and puts everything into a better perspective quite like a step-parent killing themselves the same year your grandparents and a middle school peer all die. Really forced my hand with the death fixation, too, man.

I still have issues along with the assorted lifetime of baggage/wreckage we all rack up, but every once in a while I'm amazed to realize that I'm really in a seriously okay and in some things even better place. I have knowledge & techiniques for managing this disorder now.

I'm running with that on my own this summer.

[nathalie]

I don't think I was really hiding it, in a way, because I absolutely loved my job, and it really helped me through, it made me forget all my worries.
Though, when it was 5.30pm, and I'd walk away from the office, everything would come back.

I have no problem talking about it or telling people, I mean, I can basicly tell a stranger my life story, just because I'm a blabber-mouth

Agoraphobia hasn't been fallen in my case yet, I just looked it up on wiki, some things are correct, like having trouble now, going to stores and big (closed) spaces I can't get out of very quickly when I have too.
But then again, I do go to these places, willingly (with medication), I don't have agoraphobia in a way, where certain people can't be away more then 1 feet from their own front door.

I know what to do whenever I get a panic attack, but whenever I get one, I'm in such a bad state, those techniques don't work, or I just can't do them because I'm to weak at that moment.

It's a nasty little critter ... and I hope that someday, I'll be able to go grocery shopping again without having to take Xanax


Here's a story, that happened yesterday:

The unemployment agency has got me under their supervision for 6 months.
I have a "personal guidance counceler". She's just a young girl, she doesn't know anything, and even though she's very understanding, she does not try and understand what my situation really is.

I told her 3 weeks ago, I cannot handle the pressure anymore they are putting on me to find a job.
I do look, when I feel like it, when I feel good enough to expect a "no, sorry" back.
She then told me, they might have to file for a special paper for me, which states I have these disorders, and whenever I go on an interview I have to mention it, and I can mention my future boss will get payed to actually hire me on those grounds.

Yesterday, she sended me to a class, although, I thought it was somekind of class, where they'd teach you specificly how to go to a job interview, stuff like that.
She made it sound like that, so I didn't question it any further by asking more details about it.

I knew I had this appointment, so I start taking my medication 3 days in advance, for them to already work while the actual day has come.
After a 1,5 hour bus drive I get there (the drive, I don't really care, that's what you get for not being able to drive).
I get there, and the guy asks me if I know what it's about, I say "no" and he tells me, that I have to be there for 2-3 ours, in that PC room, looking up job adds.
So, OK, I'm starting to freak out, and like: what? I was on a bus 1,5 hours for this?
Well, I *have* to participate, so I just sat down, and for the next 10 minutes I looked, found 3, lol, have to e-mail them today.
Anyways, after 10 minutes the guy is "free" because others kept needing him, and he comes and sit with me.
I start crying and I'm shaking really bad, and I tell him what is wrong with me, and my counceler knows this.
I show him my baggy of medication, everything I had to take in the past 3-4 days.
I tell him, that I feel I have wasted all my medication now, for something I can do perfectly at home, and obviously don't need to take my medication then.

He felt no need of keeping me there for the next 2 hours, and told me to go home very calmly.
He was going to call my counceler, telling the story, and ask her if she'd contact me again.

I am extremely anxious since I woke up, I feel sick to my stomach, because I'm terrified she's going to call me, and she'll be mad :/
(I told the guy, that I'm scared she will be, and he told she won't, but meh ...)

The point of going there being in that classroom is, that you have no distractions, but I'm home alone for at least 9 hours, so I don't have that problem.
I get it, that it's something I have to do in this program for the past 6 months, but no way in hell, am I spending all my medication to go there every 2 weeks, while I can do this at home, from my own laptop!
Right now, I just can't, even if I wanted too.
(if it were an actual job, it'd be different, I'd be on meds for at least the first 3-4 weeks untill the habit kicks in of going, and I'd be happy to take them then, but not for this)

[cleargreenwater]

Management starts long before you actually get an acute attack though. The long & the short of it is there's things in your mind & mental processes you're going to have to face & look at. Until you can view them with compassion and not relive them anymore understanding that either they aren't now and/or aren't always as they seem, you are always going to have an attack looming, always going to have that shadow creeping behind you in the grass with the upperhand as long as you avoid it. Those are the tools to manage it.

One day when the job thing works out for you & the bf stops being an undermining scrub you'll be in a better place to do that.

In the meantime, I think I would consider talking to a different doctor about switching medications in your case because obviously it isn't holding up over time and Xanax is highly addictive, if you find yourself having more & more attacks & it loosing it's effectiveness I would worry about chemical component compounding issues & making it worse.

[nathalie]

I'm not really having more attacks, at least, not coming through, I'm able to stop them in some situations before they really break out.

I'm not addicted to my Xanax.
And no, I'm not saying that out of denial, lol.

I don't take them every day. When I know I don't have anywhere to go to, I don't take them, which can go on for days.

I also don't feel the need to take them, when I'm not going out.
And when I do feel anxious (like, right now, because something "fun" just happened, no really, it was something fun, but stressfull really) I try to walk around with it as long as I can, without having to take anything.


*edit*
Also, something happened this morning, and I called my mom, because you know, she's my mom, and I thought I could have a converstation with her about it, and again, she starts telling me, I need to get outside more, and be in the sun, and bla bla!

1. I get outside plenty, it's not that I locked myself up inside, I do grocery's on my own aswell
2. do you actually think a bit of sun will make the panic disorder go away?