Anxiety, OCD, Bipolar, etc.

I know on the other forum, I posted about these kinds of things, what I was going through. I was also very shocked at how many others here at Lea have like disorders (and others similar but not listed), so I was figuring you, (if you felt appropriate) could post your progress or ways you deal with what you have.


I was going to update on my events, as I posted about my crazy anxiety in the dead of winter, I saw a doctor who diagnosed me Bipolar II. Previously I'd been diagnosed with Bipolar I and treated (whiched was a failure), then as ADHD with an Anxiety Disorder which never saw real treatment. Now I'm on Ativan (for anxiety) and Depakote (for mood shifting). I feel still slightly depressed but that's not an issue much. I do feel better. For instance, I could never (no matter how tired I was) lay and take a nap mid-day. Fear of missing things, over sleeping, waking up at night and freaking out in the dark that I'd missed the day, etc. Now, I can just lay in bed without worrying and take a nap, it's natural. I also sleep through the night now, when I do make a bed time. That's my next issue, discipline with daily routines and such. I'm also taking fishoil pillls, these do seem to help. Does anyone else take these?

Lately my only issues are my thoughts. I wonder to myself, do other people talk to themselves in their head? And I have a fear I'm separate, isolated, alone in my situation while I know I'm not (I know this is classic for anxiety issues). Now the summer is coming, or spring...I'm starting to feel better just seeing green on the trees and having bouts of warm weather!

How has everyone else faired through the winter? Disorderly or not. :lol: & How is everyone managing themselves in their disorders? I'm somewhat overwhelmed I actually have Bipolar, still in a bit of denial (as if that would make it easier, foolish me).

Well I have Asperger Syndrome. (Can always check it out on Wikipedia.) I just met with a psychologist today and I took an "Intelligence Test". I really don't like them. =/ I'm not entirely sure what it will mean but I suppose at some point in the coming months they'll want me to see some more people for treatment...things. I guess.

Glad to hear that people are doing better...:hugs:


So far my doctors are treating me for OCD and irrational thoughts. They started about three and a half to four years ago. Some days are better than others and medication helps (helps me sleep, too...:D). The hardest days are days I feel like I deserve to die for all my mistakes or wish to take my own life. The best days are those where I feel like a normal human being (like I did years ago). It has effected how I deal with people (I withdrew, so if you noticed that over the years, this is why). But I feel that I have improved over the last year or so, so that is something to look forward to...:D

Glad that you're getting better on the psychology problem there Utora. I actually respect people who are reach out without seeking any sympathy and deal it with themselves.

I actually have half the problem that you have Utora, I have a ADHD, Anxiety and Schizoid problems. I'm still under treatment and mostly deal with myself. But my only options are reaching out from my little 4x4 cell and tend to emulate a normal life. I guess it should be gone if I'm concentrate on real thing preach that no one that ever will listen.

But you're getting stronger each days and each tears. Don't worry about your thoughts, just talk to you self in a positive ways of life and ignore what your voice preach on a wrong thing. I usually learned from my mistake by having a conversation on my own and judge by my own opinion.

But I do tend to isolate my self with my family and the pressure to conquer my inner demon and my problems on my own except for those who I trust and can talk to. You might find me living in an apartment living on my own and making a living through my career. =)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Utora

Lately my only issues are my thoughts. I wonder to myself, do other people talk to themselves in their head? And I have a fear I'm separate, isolated, alone in my situation while I know I'm not (I know this is classic for anxiety issues). Now the summer is coming, or spring...I'm starting to feel better just seeing green on the trees and having bouts of warm weather!

---

I know that feeling better in spring and worse in winter is very common and is known rather ironically as SAD (Seasonal affective disorder), I think most people get it, even mildly. As far as I'm aware, I don't have any thingos, though I do talk to myself in my head ALL the time :p To me it's a normal thing, I talk to my cat, the birds that I watch when I go out walking, and to myself, I've always talked to myself in my head and out loud. I think it's just a way that I process my thoughts and get them sorted. I've always done it, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me :p

I'm comforted to find others who have similar issues and even if not, you guys all have great advice. I figured most everyone has SAD to some degree, some worse than others, but I'm also glad to hear you talk to yourself ALOT Azerane. :lol: I saw this new doctor and sopmetimes it's when they start to ask questions you become aware of things and question yourself...I've always talked to myself, talked my thoughts out, etc and he made it seem like I was worse off etc..maybe he didn't mean that, I'm not sure.

:confused:

@Sombolia: I'm really glad to hear you've found a pill combination that works, that's one of thew hardest feats I personally think with there being a billion pills and so many various types of chemicals in a person's body already. I know what you mean about the OCD. I don't entirely know if I have it but I have some repititve obsessive thoughts that don't require me to act on them, but they're just purely annoying. Hope that doesn't become an issue for you!

@Twilight Sparkle: How do you mean by irrational thoughts? I have issues where I get random fears of demons attacking or being trapped in a small place or that people think ill of me, etc..really stupid stuff founded on nothing and they wanted to give me meds for that but said it's anxiety and depression..so..to treat it they needed to treat the other two first? I hope your pills help you and you the thoughts don't bother you so much.

@Fendi: I understand about isolating oneself. I use to do this every winter and this is the first year I've stuck through with not just one job, but two and had to be out interacting with people, stay on a routine, etc. It's so hard sometimes, my instinct is to withdraw and hide...I know what you mean and I see you deal with it mostly yourself. I hope the best for you, but I've come to learn withdrawing is poison, it convinces you you're alone. You're not! You have great wisdom too Fendi.

@Nuduli: did they tell you how the test corresponded with your Aspergers? It's kind of funny, they gave me an IQ test because of my Anxiety, like wtf do the two have in relation? Then they never told me. :lol:


Sometimes I get the feeling with all these drugs and doctors they're actually discovering some real issues with people, but I also feel TOO AWARE sometimes of myself and my behaviours and it's exhausting, especially after your post Azerane it seems what's normal could be taken one way and forced into a perspective that would require treatment, etc...and it's really a risk seeing doctors because maybe they're looking through a glass eye, while some are looking abroad. Took me 8 doctors to find one who has studied various disorders and was previously a surgeon, so I'm hoping he has better insight.

I feel better in general reading what's posted here seeing other souls sharing similar things, even if you don't have a "disorder". :P

Hmm no they didn't tell me. Then again I didn't ask, I was too busy being super quiet and feeling a little awkward in the room. My only guess is it tests for how little or high my Asperger's is in my intelligence and how my behaviour is or even my mobile functions. At times I literally fall while standing up and apparently my cooderination being off is not unusal with someone who has Asperger's but even more for me in my overall development and stunted growth. I'm 5' and 80ish something lbs. I'm quite weak with perhaps little to no muscle strength.

I was born 3 months and 1 week early at a 1lbs and 14oz. So that too just added to how I grew.

I'm only just starting to learn a little more about my condition so anything I find out will be new to me.

I'll just copy and paste what I posted on another forum about my disabilities;

I have very mild cerebral palsy (believe me, if you were to see me, you wouldn't think that I have mild CP), Aspergers Syndrome/Disorder, and Non-Verbal Learning Disorder. I think I'm gradually growing out of Aspies and Non-Verbal, though. I didn't understand sarcasm when I was little, but now I do. I used to say things that were out-of-turn, but now, I've grown up to being more.... mature. I still have some emotional problems, but I'm learning (myself) to take control of my emotions. I also didn't know how to respond correctly when I was little. For instance: My mom was mad about something one time, and I guess I laughed. She yelled, "DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?!" I guess then I cried, saying, "No!" I'm also not socially awkward much anymore (one effect of Aspies).

About growing out of Aspies and Non-verbal: I still have some intense interests, but I don't study it for hours and hours like I used to. With Non-verbal, I was always in Special Ed. But during my last two years of high school, I rarely went to the Special Ed teacher because I was making great progress on my own (plus the fact the teachers were a BIG help). Last semester, the Special Ed counselor over at my college gave me a paper to have one of my professors sign for double-test time. I had been getting C's on all my quizzes; thus, the professor didn't sign it since I assume that she thought I was doing very well on the quizzes. Now, if I were to get a D on my quiz, then I could see her signing it. Plus, within my Math 091 (Elementary Algebra) course that went on this semester, I did very well in the class! I currently have an 80.07% (B)! I certainly understand the Math subjects more now; but that's all thanks to my AMAZING instructor! Math isn't my best subject, so I'm thrilled I did awesome in that course!

Overall, I'm getting way better! Even with Aspergers, I'm SUCH a social bird. :lol:

That's really good to hear Lottee! :)

^Thanks, Simbolia! :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Utora

@Twilight Sparkle: How do you mean by irrational thoughts? I have issues where I get random fears of demons attacking or being trapped in a small place or that people think ill of me, etc..really stupid stuff founded on nothing and they wanted to give me meds for that but said it's anxiety and depression..so..to treat it they needed to treat the other two first? I hope your pills help you and you the thoughts don't bother you so much.

---

Thoughts like thinking someone that looked at me wrong is plotting against me, that I'll be arrested and sent to prison for my mistakes...stuff like that. And thanks, the pills do help a lot...:D

How has this been going lately?

I've been diagnosed with both anxiety disorder & panic disorder.

Never thought I'd hear the word "disorder" coming my way.
And it truly is a disorder as it effects your life so badly, and is kind of in control.
All this crap about "you need to just let it be and learn to live it it".
Let it be? Have you seen me getting a panic attack? You can't just let that be *sigh*.
Live with it? I live in fear every single day since the day it popped in my head and got worse.

I've had at least 5 panic attacks from November till now.
Where from August till November, I only had 2.
So I can't really say I'm doing better.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nathalie

How has this been going lately?

I've been diagnosed with both anxiety disorder & panic disorder.

Never thought I'd hear the word "disorder" coming my way.
And it truly is a disorder as it effects your life so badly, and is kind of in control.
All this crap about "you need to just let it be and learn to live it it".
Let it be? Have you seen me getting a panic attack? You can't just let that be *sigh*.
Live with it? I live in fear every single day since the day it popped in my head and got worse.

I've had at least 5 panic attacks from November till now.
Where from August till November, I only had 2.
So I can't really say I'm doing better.

---

:(

You know, I never thought I'd actuall ever see anyone else who had been through this like I had. One thing anxiety and panic disorder does to you, is isolates your experiences. You feel a loner to the situation and the trials it provides; surrounded by so many who could never possibly understand that terror.

I really feel for you. I haven't had a full on board panic attack in ...I don't know, maybe a year? I"ve had near misses, but I have mentally learned to call it's bluff. I never know though, sometimes for instance these bizarre thoughts comes, and I feel the adrenaline come. It is worst for me at bed time actually..but I learn to think other thoughts...feeling inside it's only a matter of time before that runs out.

When I was a child, I remember attacks starting as young as 6, and my parents thought I did it for attention. Nobody helped me, I'd get time outs for panic attacks, or just ignored. I'd have panic attacks back to back, every 20 minutes. I assumed it was normal for me, but was worn out a lot and crazy over it. From 10 years of age to 18 I'd have them daily, or every other day..sometimes they'd just vanish, then errupt.

I never got nausea or faint, just that cold hand sweat, heart pounding, feeling surreal or detatched from reality while the adrenaline rushed and your mind says it's dying, it's the only thing happening..but then you don't die, so it devotes it's time to figuring out how you are.


I didn't see doctors until I was 19, and never tried an anti anxiety medicine until 20. Those things worked, and after all those years of random drugs I knew what my problem was; anxiety. I really didn't believe it, because everyone convinced me, it wasn't real.

The worst thing is feeling alone! & That panic attack alone is a nightmare....
How do you cope with the attack when it does come? I mean, is there any thought right before it, like you are dying? Or is it just pure panic? Do you remember when they first happened in your life? Do very specific things trigger it?


You know lately, very loud sounds, chaotic sounds or extreme arguing cause my to stop bretahing properly, and then I panic. When I told these doctors this, they told me years of stress from this has caused PTSD, or post traumtic stress disorder..I don't know about that, but you can have anxety so long it damages the way you respond to normal stresses permanently and you need different approaches to handeling it.

Do you see therapy for it?


You don't need to just let it do what it does. I combat it daily, and it is 98% less than what it was before.
When my anxiety comes very badly, I tell it to come, to make me panic, that I will feel that panic and freak out even in front of everyone, and so what? And it really does build, and climb higher and higher - and fades. Then I worry about it coming back, so I repeat when it does.

It takes at least 30 days of repeating a process for it to be habit. It's been 2 years for me. It works. And for the mild worries, I tell myself, if I am dying or if something is wrong, I have to deal with it when it arrives...

but my anxiety is different...than yours, I know. And that's why treatment is hard. It really is specific to how we each think, how we process thoughts, emotions and events.

All I'm saying is if you ever want to talk to somebody who has been through panic disorder and anxiety and still goes through it, I'm here.

I had my story typed out here, but is now lost due to the forum update.

Anyways.
Turns out I've always had the anxiety disorder.
We just didn't call it a disorder, and it was never severe enough to actually call it that eather.

I would first get when I was about 12 or so, and needed to do performances with my music club.
Each weekend we'd have a little concert somewhere in Belgium, and I'd be so sick to my stomach, have that throwing up feeling, whenever I needed to be on a stage with them.
I even had to cancel a few gigs because of it.

We did immidiatly knew where it was coming from, my parents knew, but I never did anything about it.
I took some travel-medication, and I'd be better.

Going to a concert was a pain, I was sick of exhitement.
Going to a funpark (even Disneyland), I was sick of exhitement.
Going to London, when I went with Lucy in 2006, I almost had to let her go back on her own, as I was just too sick.

I don't know, I kind of lived with it.
It was bareable, I took some medication, and once being at the place I needed to be, it would go away.

Since August something snapped in my head, and "hello panic disorder" which made the anxiety disorder 100 times worse.
When it happened, I had "locked" myself up in the house for about 3 weeks.
Saw a doctor in the end, because I actually thought I may have had a stomach infection or something wrong with my bowels.
But all said stress.

I have to say, the past 7-8 months have been really rough on me.
A lot has happened privately, and then that day happened where I ended up in the ER, and even weeks after that stuff kept happening.

In a way I'm doing better because of the medication, I go out almost daily, but with meds.
It's weird that I can't see my friend anymore without having to take medication, where before August I didn't need medication to see him.
I've been going to grocery stores again, it took me 5 months to be able to do that again. I was just too scared.
And also, my boyfriend wasn't a help "again ??????" and he'd be "upset".
(I did go grocery shopping with my friend, and that always went fine, because I know he understands, and if I'd say "I'm getting it" I know he'd be like "right, let's get out of here then").

I've done things while taking medication, and still beeing sick the whole day, so I don't quite understand that.

I am in therapy.
Off course, just what I thought, it's not helping ;)

I DON'T wanna talk about my past.
For me, the only way to forget about it, is to just not talk about it.
I dreamed of my ex again just a few nights ago ... *sigh* which made me more depressed again, but I just try to not remember the dream at all, and it'll fade out in the end.

I don't wanna go anymore to therapy, it's a waste of money (and if I had something real to do, I'd say a waste of my time aswell, but I got too much time right now).
All we do is talk about the anxiety, why do I have? When do I have it?
I know when it comes, I know when it'll come (haha, yes, and still I can't beat it!), I know what triggered the panic attack back in August, and each time I have gotten a panic attack in the past weeks, I know what triggered it.

And he's not doing anything eather.
He just sits there, for 50 minutes, write down everything I say, doesn't really respond to me.
So I'm really wondering why I'm just throwing my money away like that -_-

Because of being "sick" I couldn't go home like I always planned.
I mean, normally I'm only at my boyfriends from Friday evening till Monday morning.
Which was good.
But since August, I'm here like, 3 weeks in a row, untill I managed to get back home.
And it's just not good. I mean, we really aren't ready to live together for 100 % yet, and since I am doing much better with the medication now, I will start going home again from Monday to Friday, which should handle some of the problems I've been dealing with now, and give me some time to breath and be relaxed (as they all just leave me alone at home, and all I wanna be lately is to be left alone).

So, I'm just sitting here, at Kenny's mom's place.
He's working here, he picked me up about an hour ago, well, he asked me if I wanted to come along, and then we could all go and eat something this evening.

I'm just sitting here, and I'm a wreck ... anxiety 100 % ... she's not even here with me in the room, they are upstairs, I'm downstairs, I don't understand all this [censor] :tears:

Well, I'm dredging up this because I do have an anxiety disorder and mild related depression, but it's actually a good update for me.

I am taking the whole summer off from all forms of counseling!

First time of no therapy at least every-other week since 2009, when both my closest grandparents, my stepfather, and an old school friend all died in a period of 8 months.

And the best part? Feels good man.

So far, so good!

CGW, I had no idea?

If you feel for yourself that no therapy this summer will do you good, then you should just go with it!
I don't feel like going to every appointment eather (I have one every 2 weeks, when things go right), but since it's not even been a year since everything happened, I have to keep going, in order for me to keep getting my medication, which I'm also starting to questionning.

I honestly can't say if the meds are making me feel better or not.
I think I should be able to?

If I take them or not, I still get sick sometimes, so it's really hard to tell.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nathalie

CGW, I had no idea?

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OMG THANK YOU! :D

It's been a long haul, since I came to Lea so late I had already hit my lowest point and found a therapist that actually worked with me before I came here.

But yeah, it started when I was 14, I already had social anxiety but one day on vacation my mind latched on to the fact that I was going to die and there was nothing I could do about it, and that was it. Constant repetitive fixating, which fed the social anxiety, and the social anxiety fed the death anxiety, vice-versa, etc. Nobody recognized it as a disorder though, thought it was just a teenager growing up, until I hit college and had a mini-breakdown my freshman year where I didn't sleep for 3 days and started hallucinating from it. Had therapy with a useless, unengaged & disinterested shrink for a year & a half. Medical Dr. prescribed Wellbutrin after that thinking the therapy didn't help because depression was the real problem, which helped a little but didn't address the primary disorder, but did make me finally able to quit smoking (because smoking was how I self-medicated the anxiety growing up.) But then I graduated college & was booted from my mother's insurance, so that went away. Went to a different doctor a couple years later because it spiked again, she gave me Zoloft, which started out OK but then didn't agree with me AT ALL. Sick, crazy mood swings, raging mad one minute, crying jag sobbing the next, it was awful, and it took a few months to wean off. Poor Lilymud witnessed that one, and the reaction to medication scared me out of doing anything about treating it for another few years.

Finally everything else in life around me fell apart in 2008-2009, I mean really difficult devastating years & time, it was awful. Oddly enough though, I have to credit the big progress I have made since then with that devastation. In a strange way, everything falling apart in reality exhausted/overloaded & appeased/satisfied the disordered anxiety circuit; I was so numb & drained that reordering concepts rooted from a place of emptiness. I was assigned to a great-for-me therapist at a charitable agency, (I mean seriously perfect, when I say me and this woman were cut from the same cloth and "got" each other, we found out afterwards on Facebook that we have mutual acquaintances IRL,) and I've experienced an ongoing and profound shift in the last few years.

I'm not "cured" and the collected damage is done; I don't really have IRL friends because dropping off the face of the earth for 2, 3, 5 months and never calling because phone-talking is big anxiety trigger is really difficult for people to overlook/excuse/not take personally and a lot to ask them to accept, and I still do this, but I feel better than I have in a very long time & I'm satisfied with the change its brought.

On a tangential but related note, I would never think of even trying to explain this to anyone but the lovely people here & select others, but in that decade or so of drifting, hyenas & TLK were my therapy, and remain active forces. Intimidated by someone/something/a situation? Afraid of something? Think of hyenas, those boss aggressive *****es can handle anything. Afraid of socializing/talking to people? Meditate on hyenas, ridiculously vocal and complexly social & interactive. Fear of the future, of unknowns, got you down? Think of hyenas, adaptable, bright, opportunistic and adept at making do/improvising. I know I play it up to the point of ridiculousness, but I really do have a sincere (though totally incongruous, lol,) and deep affection for spotted hyenas. Both they & TLK continue to be mentally enhancing & enriching.

Look forward to meeting you all in Florida ;-)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nathalie

I honestly can't say if the meds are making me feel better or not.
I think I should be able to?

If I take them or not, I still get sick sometimes, so it's really hard to tell.

---

IDK, but if they were actively bad for you you'd know. The Zoloft effect on me was sick, I didn't even know or trust what my VERY OWN emotional reactions to things would be. My own. And I was the one they happened to. I remember crying hysterically at one point thinking, WTF I don't even know why I'm crying I can't control this. It was scary.

Wow CGW, seems like you've been through quite some rough times, but a serious congrats on having the summer off from therapy, and best wishes with it :)

Shortly after Pat and I moved into our own place I had some, I don't know what, stress issues I suppose. Stress can do all sorts of things so I wasn't sleeping much, terrible moods, lots of crying and freaking out over nothing, and eventually I ended up getting an irregular heartbeat where my heart would miss a half beat ever 5-10 beats. That made me pretty much unable to do anything physical beyond walking, though even that I sometimes struggled with. That came on and off fairly regularly for about a period of two months at which point I got sick of it and decided to start talking a multivitamin and fish oil tablets. I don't know which one did the trick, but one of them did and I've only had it once since I started taking them and that was about a week after (also, I magically have half as much period pain now :lol: So it's double win!). I don't think it was just the stress of moving out though, I think it was compounded from about the last year and a half, a lot of crap has happened and hoping this year is a bit better. Mum's after treatment scan is in July, so I'm kind of anxious about that at the moment.

@ Azerane: stress works in mysterious ways ... so it could have caused the problem easily.

A little before Xmas last year I started to take new medications, the ones that should keep away the nausea and cramps.
Maybe a day or 2 before I did start taking them, I had a very serious panic attack.
Once I started to take the new meds, when lying in bed, I could feel my heart also miss a beat every 5-10 seconds.
I don't know how "bad" it was during the day, as you're busy doing stuff, I never payed any attention to it, but when lying in bed, you have all the time of the world to focus on something.

I asked my doctor if it was because of the meds, and he asked me if something had happened, so yeah, apperently, that panic attack triggered another thing.
I got medication to stop my high blood pressure, and it also did stop my heart skipping beats.
I had to take them for 6 weeks, so in February I was completely fine again, my blood pressure is much better now, but about 2 months ago, the problem returned after something had happened again.
I asked the same medication from the doctor, took them for about 5 days, and it was gone again.

Whe have a blood pressure meter thinggy, so I can check myself, and if I notice myself my heart is racing like a maniac again, I just take those medications, and 30 minutes later, I can feel my heart slowing down.


@ CGW: Really, I had had no idea at all ever, that you were in the position you are in, I don't think you ever mentioned something that could lead someone thinking there might be something going on like that.

It's like my boss said after 1,5 years: I don't understand how you could have hidden it for that long and only break down only now ...

I am good at hiding it yeah ... I don't have any problems telling people eather.
I can't hide my emotions when you give me a wrong present, but I sure can hide this! :lol:

I can't say I'm doing better I'm afraid.
I haven't had a major panic attack in at least 3 months though, so that's good.
(not counting last month when I was sick from stomach flu, and got a whole series of them)
I've had some little ones, but those weren't really attacks, mainly just hyperventilating, because of an argument, stuff like that.

We never really cared much for my anxiety eather.
It was just nerves each time, you know?
Oh well, another disorder won't do it anymore, there's already so much wrong with me, medicly.
But it's weird, to hear after 20 years "you have anxiety and panic disorder, not the same thing", to finally be able to put a name to it, and it's something real too! It's not just being nervous, it goes beyond that stage.

Still, I'm still trying to live my life as before, I still go to Disneyland, I still go to concerts, I locked myself up last year when I first heard I actually had this for a few weeks, because I was too scared to go anywhere, but I can't do that anymore.
I've seen documentaries about people having this in such an extent, they can't be much further then 1 step from their front door o_O
I don't wanna become / be like that.
So in a way, I guess I'm kind of strong, by still doing all the stuff I did before.

The meds aren't giving me any problems, well, maybe ... but I don't think that this is the right place to discuss those, but I do think it might be because of the medication.
Anywho ... lol ...
Other then sleeping a lot when I take them more often, which isn't bad, hehe, I have no bad side effects, really glad with that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nathalie

[B]@@ CGW: Really, I had had no idea at all ever, that you were in the position you are in, I don't think you ever mentioned something that could lead someone thinking there might be something going on like that.

It's like my boss said after 1,5 years: I don't understand how you could have hidden it for that long and only break down only now ...

I am good at hiding it yeah ... I don't have any problems telling people eather.
I can't hide my emotions when you give me a wrong present, but I sure can hide this! :lol:

---

That's the thing, though, that's why I'm so happy and confident now that I can walk away from the therapy--I'm not pretending or hiding anything anymore, pretending and hiding just makes it worse, it makes you feel even more isolated & alone.

I understand the problem, I understand the hows and whys and whats of it now well enough that I can give it a pat-pat & move it aside & get on my way before it can sink it's claws in and loom over whatever path I've chosen to walk. I've learned to manage it to the point where it isn't important anymore. By making it your enemy you're still making it important, you need to view it each time it creeps up on you with techniques for checking it for the size it actually is. Sometimes it's still going to be a bigger opponent--I actually tried out to lead a tour group for the parks I volunteer with, and nearly hyperventilated & fell having to speak a practice presentation in front of a room full of people, obviously I'm limited by the disorder & unable to do activities like that--but in most cases once you learn the checks and the mechanics of what's really going on you find that its something that you can walk past safely.

There's different kinds of Anxiety Disorders, too, it sounds like you get the Panic & Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia.

Mine is classified Generalized Anxiety Disorder, its a chronic stress response to various traumas including Social Anxiety, I don't get panic attacks. Just built-up anxiety & a morbid fascination with my own death, lol.

But nothing makes you say "This is way out of proportion & really pretty dumb to suffer like this" and puts everything into a better perspective quite like a step-parent killing themselves the same year your grandparents and a middle school peer all die. Really forced my hand with the death fixation, too, man.

I still have issues along with the assorted lifetime of baggage/wreckage we all rack up, but every once in a while I'm amazed to realize that I'm really in a seriously okay and in some things even better place. I have knowledge & techiniques for managing this disorder now.

I'm running with that on my own this summer.

I don't think I was really hiding it, in a way, because I absolutely loved my job, and it really helped me through, it made me forget all my worries.
Though, when it was 5.30pm, and I'd walk away from the office, everything would come back.

I have no problem talking about it or telling people, I mean, I can basicly tell a stranger my life story, just because I'm a blabber-mouth :lol:

Agoraphobia hasn't been fallen in my case yet, I just looked it up on wiki, some things are correct, like having trouble now, going to stores and big (closed) spaces I can't get out of very quickly when I have too.
But then again, I do go to these places, willingly (with medication), I don't have agoraphobia in a way, where certain people can't be away more then 1 feet from their own front door.

I know what to do whenever I get a panic attack, but whenever I get one, I'm in such a bad state, those techniques don't work, or I just can't do them because I'm to weak at that moment.

It's a nasty little critter ... and I hope that someday, I'll be able to go grocery shopping again without having to take Xanax -_-


Here's a story, that happened yesterday:

The unemployment agency has got me under their supervision for 6 months.
I have a "personal guidance counceler". She's just a young girl, she doesn't know anything, and even though she's very understanding, she does not try and understand what my situation really is.

I told her 3 weeks ago, I cannot handle the pressure anymore they are putting on me to find a job.
I do look, when I feel like it, when I feel good enough to expect a "no, sorry" back.
She then told me, they might have to file for a special paper for me, which states I have these disorders, and whenever I go on an interview I have to mention it, and I can mention my future boss will get payed to actually hire me on those grounds.

Yesterday, she sended me to a class, although, I thought it was somekind of class, where they'd teach you specificly how to go to a job interview, stuff like that.
She made it sound like that, so I didn't question it any further by asking more details about it.

I knew I had this appointment, so I start taking my medication 3 days in advance, for them to already work while the actual day has come.
After a 1,5 hour bus drive I get there (the drive, I don't really care, that's what you get for not being able to drive).
I get there, and the guy asks me if I know what it's about, I say "no" and he tells me, that I have to be there for 2-3 ours, in that PC room, looking up job adds.
So, OK, I'm starting to freak out, and like: what? I was on a bus 1,5 hours for this?
Well, I *have* to participate, so I just sat down, and for the next 10 minutes I looked, found 3, lol, have to e-mail them today.
Anyways, after 10 minutes the guy is "free" because others kept needing him, and he comes and sit with me.
I start crying and I'm shaking really bad, and I tell him what is wrong with me, and my counceler knows this.
I show him my baggy of medication, everything I had to take in the past 3-4 days.
I tell him, that I feel I have wasted all my medication now, for something I can do perfectly at home, and obviously don't need to take my medication then.

He felt no need of keeping me there for the next 2 hours, and told me to go home very calmly.
He was going to call my counceler, telling the story, and ask her if she'd contact me again.

I am extremely anxious since I woke up, I feel sick to my stomach, because I'm terrified she's going to call me, and she'll be mad :/
(I told the guy, that I'm scared she will be, and he told she won't, but meh ...)

The point of going there being in that classroom is, that you have no distractions, but I'm home alone for at least 9 hours, so I don't have that problem.
I get it, that it's something I have to do in this program for the past 6 months, but no way in hell, am I spending all my medication to go there every 2 weeks, while I can do this at home, from my own laptop!
Right now, I just can't, even if I wanted too.
(if it were an actual job, it'd be different, I'd be on meds for at least the first 3-4 weeks untill the habit kicks in of going, and I'd be happy to take them then, but not for this)

Management starts long before you actually get an acute attack though. The long & the short of it is there's things in your mind & mental processes you're going to have to face & look at. Until you can view them with compassion and not relive them anymore understanding that either they aren't now and/or aren't always as they seem, you are always going to have an attack looming, always going to have that shadow creeping behind you in the grass with the upperhand as long as you avoid it. Those are the tools to manage it.

One day when the job thing works out for you & the bf stops being an undermining scrub you'll be in a better place to do that.

In the meantime, I think I would consider talking to a different doctor about switching medications in your case because obviously it isn't holding up over time and Xanax is highly addictive, if you find yourself having more & more attacks & it loosing it's effectiveness I would worry about chemical component compounding issues & making it worse.

I'm not really having more attacks, at least, not coming through, I'm able to stop them in some situations before they really break out.

I'm not addicted to my Xanax.
And no, I'm not saying that out of denial, lol.

I don't take them every day. When I know I don't have anywhere to go to, I don't take them, which can go on for days.

I also don't feel the need to take them, when I'm not going out.
And when I do feel anxious (like, right now, because something "fun" just happened, no really, it was something fun, but stressfull really) I try to walk around with it as long as I can, without having to take anything.


*edit*
Also, something happened this morning, and I called my mom, because you know, she's my mom, and I thought I could have a converstation with her about it, and again, she starts telling me, I need to get outside more, and be in the sun, and bla bla!

1. I get outside plenty, it's not that I locked myself up inside, I do grocery's on my own aswell
2. do you actually think a bit of sun will make the panic disorder go away?

-_-