Test results, positive :tears: I'm gonna be put on treatment though which should make my life a little longer, because without it I'd probably die before I'm 40.
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Test results, positive :tears: I'm gonna be put on treatment though which should make my life a little longer, because without it I'd probably die before I'm 40.
Oh my God. :alone: I don't know what to say, Tiikeri. I'm so sorry.
I've spoken to you a little bit about this already and yet I still can't think of what to say that might help ease this for you, all I can offer you is :hugs: But at least, it's not some form of cancer that will only take one or two years, but still... all the best with the treatment :hugs:Quote:
Originally posted by Tiikeri
Test results, positive :tears: I'm gonna be put on treatment though which should make my life a little longer, because without it I'd probably die before I'm 40.
:tears: ill be praying for you every night. i hope you get better *hugs*
awws xX.. Damn.. Xx *is speechless but not really* Tikerii dude, you can make it through this.. Just have hope buddy!
*hugs the tiger vury tightly* =3
Tiki man, my church is praying for you, as is my family. I've seen countless people saved by the power of faith and prayer, even in cancer. A man I knew to this day overcame brain cancer and is living because he fought the fight. I'm with you, every step of the way in mind, spirit, faith, hope and prayer. God bless you, and may you live twice 40 by His power. :hugs:
mmkay might as well spit it out seeing half the forums knows already.
This past weekend I got in a fight on friday about some friends online with my step father, and well got hit upside the head with a baseball bat, (also why I wasnt online all day friday - sunday), I was in the hospital from having a concussion whilst being hit and I was said to possibly be affected by Amnesia, and yays. I was -___- I forgot totally my school experiences, I can hardly even do the Geometry stuff I learned, and my IRC Scripting has gone down the pit, Though I remember a few simple things. And as for remembering who people are. I have naught the slightest clue who they are until I stare at the name for hours on end.
My family isn't what you would call, The greatest in the world. My mom, brother and I, dearly hate and wish to leave my step father because of his arrogance and hatred to everyone. But theres one problem, We are in a financial hole, my mother and I (Plus brother) Rely heavily upon his income, and if he were to walk out on us, we'd be up **** creek (Screwed in life). I'd have to end up dropping out of high school to pay for the family and my mom to work again which she is doing now and is hard enough being an asthmatic and a cancer surviver from Chemotherapy which has weakened her body EXTENTLY.
One thing I am worried now, is if my step dad will leave us, He has been threatening it on and off and i'm sick and tired of him abusing me and my mother, my mom puts on fake smiles, laughs when he makes a joke even if its rude, and puts up with him 24/7. He treats us like CRAP. and we have NO CHOICE but to sit here and endure it. I want OUT I want him TO LEAVE but I have no choice for him to stay.. We've broke down many a times because of him and still he doesnt care, if I want to continue my career in computer programming, which is unlikely now thanks to that amnesia crap, I would have to have his financial support and I really really want to succeed in life, to show all the bullies and popular kids in school i am /not/ a freaking retard.
But the most I am worried about, is my mother, and lately. I havnt been caring a lot about myself and my health, I havnt slept peacefully and right for weeks, and i havnt eaten correctly since.. God knows how long.. And it seems I am screwing up everyones life by the actions I make, For when I talk, I have to have the last word, and it gets me in so much trouble and it makes everyone scream and yell when i am in an argument and its quite annoying being grounded all the freaking time cause I cant keep my mouth shut, and I hate it.. I've thought continues times of just ending it all and not worrying about it, yes suicide, But I end up not doing it because i cant degrade myself to do something such as that, I have to many friends that care and worry for me a lot. But most of all I feel as if I need help, help from someone but i don't know who to go to. I find it really hard to express my feelings to others for some odd reason.. I can't go to psychologists(or whatever) because I can't tlel him the truth, its to embarassing and degrading to say I have no friends, i have no life, and i'm on the computer 24/7 talking to people i have no clue who are, and that i like the lion king at age 15. The last one i went to laughed for like.. 20 minutes before I walked out of there.
I have no freaking clue why I am even typing this up for some reason, Wait nevermind, Now i'm talking to myself..
Anyways just wanted you guys to know why I havnt been on lately.. Or havnt talked to you pastly... Yeah,
~KTL~
awwws thanks for the concern guys :hugs:Quote:
Originally posted by Sonkakee
I'm a bit concerned about LunarCat. Last DA journal entry would depict some stress that she's going through. I'm hoping it isn't nothing serious, but I will get in touch with her... will give a phone call if needed....
:hugs:
but as you can see, all is well. And there's never need for concern on my behalf. I lead a good life, with of course the occasional dips and downs. :hugs: much love!
I'm so sorry to hear of everyone's losses, and troubles. My deepest sympathies and heartfelt prayers. :hugs:
Edit: KTL-i suggest reading over that exact post and thinking hard. Think of who you want to help, and how they should. What you need. I've told you once and i'll tell you again, you need to get a sufficient amount of rest. Your body can't function without it.
Second, I suggest searching for 'an escape', as i call it. Something in which you can express your feelings, whether it be talking about it, drawing, writing, even just thinking to give you a start. Something that can draw you away from everyday life and turn that frown upside down.
I'm always here to talk, you know that.
Don't ever comit suicide. You're right soldier, there are people who care. I being one of them. :love:Quote:
Originally posted by Kovu The Lion
mmkay might as well spit it out seeing half the forums knows already.
This past weekend I got in a fight on friday about some friends online with my step father, and well got hit upside the head with a baseball bat, (also why I wasnt online all day friday - sunday), I was in the hospital from having a concussion whilst being hit and I was said to possibly be affected by Amnesia, and yays. I was -___- I forgot totally my school experiences, I can hardly even do the Geometry stuff I learned, and my IRC Scripting has gone down the pit, Though I remember a few simple things. And as for remembering who people are. I have naught the slightest clue who they are until I stare at the name for hours on end.
My family isn't what you would call, The greatest in the world. My mom, brother and I, dearly hate and wish to leave my step father because of his arrogance and hatred to everyone. But theres one problem, We are in a financial hole, my mother and I (Plus brother) Rely heavily upon his income, and if he were to walk out on us, we'd be up **** creek (Screwed in life). I'd have to end up dropping out of high school to pay for the family and my mom to work again which she is doing now and is hard enough being an asthmatic and a cancer surviver from Chemotherapy which has weakened her body EXTENTLY.
One thing I am worried now, is if my step dad will leave us, He has been threatening it on and off and i'm sick and tired of him abusing me and my mother, my mom puts on fake smiles, laughs when he makes a joke even if its rude, and puts up with him 24/7. He treats us like CRAP. and we have NO CHOICE but to sit here and endure it. I want OUT I want him TO LEAVE but I have no choice for him to stay.. We've broke down many a times because of him and still he doesnt care, if I want to continue my career in computer programming, which is unlikely now thanks to that amnesia crap, I would have to have his financial support and I really really want to succeed in life, to show all the bullies and popular kids in school i am /not/ a freaking retard.
But the most I am worried about, is my mother, and lately. I havnt been caring a lot about myself and my health, I havnt slept peacefully and right for weeks, and i havnt eaten correctly since.. God knows how long.. And it seems I am screwing up everyones life by the actions I make, For when I talk, I have to have the last word, and it gets me in so much trouble and it makes everyone scream and yell when i am in an argument and its quite annoying being grounded all the freaking time cause I cant keep my mouth shut, and I hate it.. I've thought continues times of just ending it all and not worrying about it, yes suicide, But I end up not doing it because i cant degrade myself to do something such as that, I have to many friends that care and worry for me a lot. But most of all I feel as if I need help, help from someone but i don't know who to go to. I find it really hard to express my feelings to others for some odd reason.. I can't go to psychologists(or whatever) because I can't tlel him the truth, its to embarassing and degrading to say I have no friends, i have no life, and i'm on the computer 24/7 talking to people i have no clue who are, and that i like the lion king at age 15. The last one i went to laughed for like.. 20 minutes before I walked out of there.
I have no freaking clue why I am even typing this up for some reason, Wait nevermind, Now i'm talking to myself..
Anyways just wanted you guys to know why I havnt been on lately.. Or havnt talked to you pastly... Yeah,
~KTL~
We've talked and you know how I feel on some parts.
I cry to hear the abuse you recieve, and the cause...bitte ich bin krank.
You're father angers me. Not with a rambling of anger, for no apparent reason, but with a passionate anger. Not reallyat him though. It is like me and my father. I hate the part of him that's angry, but Ilove him for he's my father, for he brought me life and protection. I can see your father bails out in some of those areas. Social workers will not help, I've had em' here, and they act like they're snowblind in the desert. They'll lock your father up, put you in a home because finacialy you can't work it out, and chances are your mum would go to jail for not being able to barf up the money. I wish I could take you in, your entire family. Lie in our furished, wellcared for basement, and eat with us on taco night specials. :noogie:
But it's all a fake dream. My mom isn't too thrilled with what's going on between you and me, but she respects my life and says it's my decisions right now, as long as it's beneath their boundries. I don't think you moving in would be on the list. I'm praying, thinking, living it all for you now. If he ever beats you again, I'm coming out there. Not as a joke either, I'll take the freaking ww2 bike, I have the money in bday savings, I have the street smarts, I'll hike my *** if I have too. Sad but neccesary none the less. If we keep sitting, you'll end up dying at this rate. And while I walk the Earth, that's not going to be happening.
Ich liebe dich, and never give up the fight Kove. If you ever find yourself lost, or alone, go to God, and then to me. :hugs:
I want to sa so much more but for some reason, I can't find the words. :tears:
that brought me to tears, Utora. thank you so much for saying that, i believe that has made a difference in my ilfe. thank you. *hugs and cries*Quote:
Originally posted by Utora
It is like me and my father. I hate the part of him that's angry, but Ilove him for he's my father, for he brought me life and protection.
KTL, i wish there was some way i could help. you can talk to me anytime, ill be praying. know that God loves you, and stay with us. I hope you will get out of this mess soon. *hugs*
KTL, if you commit suicide, I'll kill you.
....
But seriously. Try not to let him get to you, you're better than him. I.. didn't know about the whole concussion thing, so. If it's only amnesia, it's very likely that you'll get your memory back soon, so don't worry about that.
:hugs:
Why am I even posting here again? Spamming up a board about my problems when everyone else has something even worse than I do. Death threats, suicide, family troubles, and what not. Makes me feel like my problems are petty and aren't even worthy to be mentioned. But, with these tears and the pain I feel, I have to at least say something to make me feel like I am worth even a notice...
To anyone who cares to even read this, my family is not abusive. My school is not some trigger-happy group of crazed students. My life isn't poor or debt-ridden or whatever. But I do know that I have been utterly alone ever since I was about 12 or 13. Every day, I would go to school or look out my house window and think, "God, when will you send me someone to be with? Someone to talk to or have fun with?" I'm not close to my parents. I'm even further apart from my mom than one would want to be. No kids my age live near me, nor do any of the people at school even care to give me a glance when I try to smile and be nice. I even went so far as to cater to their needs just so they would notice me. I'd give away my lunch, I'd lend them money, I'd do ANYTHING.
My worst mistake was letting my "friends" manipulate me. The day we all met, I thought "Finally! I have people that are like me!" I thought I had "friends". Well, they were nothing but little devil spawns. I was the butt of all the jokes and insults, they talked behind my back, they took things from me when they wanted them, they verbally abused me, and they stole any of my ideas or artwork or writings that they liked. And I LET THEM, simply because I was so desperate for friends. That pretty much killed me all through middle school and my freshman year of high school.
Now that I've finally torn away from them, I've found that most people LIKED their little leader. And since their "leader" is angry that I won't bend down and kiss her precious feet, her vast amount of friends are shunning me. She's rich, she's popular, and she gets her way, no matter what. I find myself trying harder and harder to be nice, smile, talk to people, try to be friendly and be a friend, but no. I don't get anything in return but being ignored, insulted, or pushed away. People don't want me as a friend because they already have friends. There's no room for me. And here I am, almost a senior, and I STILL have no good memories of laughter or fun to look back on these pathetic years.
Even online, it's the same thing. Chat rooms, AIM, doesn't matter. People end up being so mean to me or ignore me. I go to forums, and it's the same thing. Even here, at Lea, where I thought I'd find some people to at LEAST talk to, I find myself summarily ignored. I tried PMing a few people, didn't get but one reply before they go silent. My posts are mostly ignored. And seeing these mentions of people talking to each other and all the popularity polls and whatnot, I am only reminded time and again just how deprived I am. And yes, I AM jealous of how people have unlimited friends, but don't seem to want to include me, no matter how nice I try to be.
Now, yes, I know you're probably thinking I'm selfish, lieing, or whatnot. But I will tell you this: I am sick of being so alone and trying so hard and praying for so long just to end up with nothing. I myself have thought about suicide, but my more logical mindset slapped me out of it. No, I didn't have "friends" or "family" to tell me not to do it. It was ME who did it. I had no one to turn to ANYWAY.
Call this a rant, call this a selfish act for attention, call it whatever you want... But I can't stand keeping these emotions bottled up inside any longer. I'm tired of being the quiet one in the corner who is never noticed. I've been thinking for a while about my place here at Lea, anyway. If I should just leave without telling anyone. No one would notice anyway... They have enough friends, and they don't bother to know me anyway. I've already been embarressed here, and the rising amount of attacks against opinions is disturbing as it is. At this point, I don't care if I get blocked or suspended or whatever... I might as well high-tail it out of here before I make an *** out of myself anyway...
Thanks guys for the comments, I'm fine just trust me on what I say.
:)
~~
Nicoga, I can understand what you are going through, and its tough. I basically do the exact same thing :\ It gets pretty annoying having to go to school, come home... Sit down, and do nothing all day when you know that there are kids you're own age out there somewhere having more fun than you are right now. But one thing you should try to learn is the fact that you are being /tested/ I dont know if you are a christian or not but if you are you might find some sense in this then. God put us all here on earth for a certain reason, and for a purpose in life, and right now he is testing you right now to see whether or not you can with stand and up hold this purpose he has given you. My parents and you'res to probably say this "These are the best years of you're life, get out there, make friends, and have fun!", Because thats what mine tell me all the time. My parents think finding and making friends in my life the way i am, is a sentch, something that can be done in a matter of seconds when it is not.
Here I want you to add this address to your MSN, Fatcatgoeswest@hotmail.com
or this address to your Yahoo, Goten1702
or this address to your AIM, The Lion Kovu
I can offer you one of the best friendships you probably will ever have, and yeah :) Though sadly i am going to admit what you said here.
I am sadly going to say, I wouldn't notice you left. Because i seriously never knew you were even here...Quote:
. No one would notice anyway...
I am also sorry that i'm relating myself to you when you are obviously in a worse predicament than me, but I've heard relating certain issues back to other things can sometimes be useful when trying to make a point so I do it a lot.. But if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, Add those names, and I'm on basically 24/7 :) :D
Heres some ways to make some friends..
RolePlay in RP's here, I met half my friends in Lea from that,
Go to active members who are here normally and add them to your IM list and get to know them better, Thats also what I did ;)
just because a member doesnt liven up to you at that moment, doesnt mean they wont ever, because making a bond between friends takes time to build, that relationship of trust just doesnt.. Appear, you have to earn it :)
And iwth that Nicoga, I wish the best of luck to you :hugs:
~KTL~
i really enjoy talking with you, Nicoga! and i would definatly notice if you left... add me to MSN
simbaspirit@hotmail.com
wait a sec. you dont have MSN :thinks:
I KNOW!!!! RADIO BRAIN WAVES!!!!! *taps radio brainwaves mic* hello?? is this thing on?? can you HEAR ME??
Sorry to hear that, KTL...did they file charges against your step-dad? It may seem like y'all can't do it...but maybe you can live without your step-father...with relatives or something...or you can get food stamps or something and you mom can go on disability. If they're married, your Mom can also be entitled to stuff in the divorce.
Nicoga, I wouldn't try to make friends that way...you wont like the friends you will attract, as I see you have found out the hard way. I find that the best way to make a friend is to start a conversation with them over a similar interest. The being nice and giving stuff away type of stuff will only lose you respect in their eyes...to them, you're just a push over. You want friends who like you for you, not becuase you give them your lunch.
Sadly, I have tried doing those tactics, Kovu. Many of the PMs I've sent out were never replied to. Many members here don't have AIM. Most use MSN, and if they do have AIM, I either don't see the name or it's "hidden". And I'm in about three or four RPGs, but either the Mod has YET, after about three months, to give me the go-ahead in [despite PMings and postings] or the RPG has even yet to begin, and there's no one else supporting.
And I'm sad to announce that if God did give me a test to see if I'm up for something, I probably failed. Makes me wonder if this is my punishment for failing whatever test it was. I am a Christian, but not as a faithful one as many people here I've seen.
And after so many times to being ignored and whatnot, I'm too shy/untrusting to PM or AIM anybody new. This place seems pretty tight-nit and centered around the popular members, so I'm suspecting most people are like the ones I've already seen. And I'm taking the precaution to not even attempt it because it just hurts me more when they do it over again.
And yes, I realized that people just use me when I try to cater to them. It's in my nature to make other people happy, not myself. But if I ever do stand up for myself, I'm slapped back down because it's not "permitted". I've tried just being nice and friendly, and that doesn't even work. People are too busy with their groups and hang-outs to care to even talk to me.
On a last note, I do not want to force someone to talk to me. If you truely do not care if you talk to me or not, and you're just forcing yourself to do it, then I will not answer you. The thing I've learned to hate most is false friends.
Nicoga don't feel like you're ignored, don't feel like that at all. I may not know you at all, but I simply can't ignore your posts... why? Because of that wicked avatar of yours! Hehe, it may seem like a stupid reason but I see that avatar of yours and I have to read your posts... *turns into a gryphon/griffin* Although you may not think it... there are people on this forum who notice you, and care about you, it can take quite a while to get to know people well though *clacks beak and bobs head up and down* hehe...It took me a few months before I really knew anybody here. Though I'll admit it would be easier to get to know people if you had an IM service... though that can't be helped, so e-mailing/pm'ing it is. *turns back into a lioness* I would hate to see you leave Lea just because you feel like you're being ignored. If you ever feel the need e-mail/pm me... or better yet, I'll pm you :) Don't know what else to say at the moment.... hmm... :hugs:
Hmm if thats what you think I'm doing, then that is totally not the answer er umm thing that I want to do ^^ *Is the one who wuvs to make friends x3...* So I'll find out your AIM in about 3 seconds.. and Start talking whenever you get on! And if you don't, I will cry, and you will not like it when I cry :(...
:D
~KTL~
I'm just saying that people have "forced" themselves to talk to me, when they really didn't care how I felt or not. I guess they do it for karma points or something, or to look good in front of others. Just a simple "hi", "hey", "Cool. *walks off*" thing. Ugh... Annoying...
Oh, worry not Nicoga; most people here hate me, but that sure as Hell doesn't mean I'm gonna bowl out at anytime, and stop spamming and stalking people.
Drop me a line sometime if you'd like. My bark is worse than my bite, or some shizzle.
Hmm I'm not going to say I havn't forced myself to talk to some people,
People that just add me for a reason to get something out of me, Is the ones I dun like.
However, This is not the case. I'd really like to talk to you :( Because I havn't got a lot of people on AIM ;) Give me a reason to keep it ^^ And if you are one of my friends, then you would know. - I don't shut up - ;D
Yes, Nephilim is a very nice someone to talk too off-board. :p (No, really she is = ).
@Nicoga: Just by reading your last few posts on this thread, I would say, you were bottling things up - and you just splurged it all out. I believe some of the things you've said you don't quite understand, fully. Let me skip ahead a bit... I can see you want someone to really talk to a bit, and it is clear you don't wanna force your intentions on someone to do so, am I right? I'm sure you'll notice that just about anyone here will listen to what you'd have to say, it's just the way of conveying the means, if it were to fall upon deaf ears. We're all here to help one another, and the way that you feel is very natural.
Retrograding to the previous, "I believe some of the things you've said you don't quite understand," I could say you have some displaced anger. You feel like the one left all alone, and you have had patterned advances with those feelings. Hell, I'm sure a lot of us felt that way one time or another. But hardships like those can be ruled-out by friends like us. As far as making new friends would go... "You'll catch more bees with honey than with vinegar." The people who have turned you away, don't treat everyone like that as a whole - instead find out who are the real McCoys are and I'm positive you'll be content. Nicoga, I believe you have already found us, we were under your nose the whole time; we as well as you, just the same, we want your friendship and not the heartache.
=^^= . . .
:hugs: =)
I've been told time and again to be nice to people and they will be nice to you. And I've honestly tried to be nice to everyone I met, even those who are mean to me. But it is sad to say that that saying is not always true. People can and sometimes will be cruel right back to you if you're trying to be nice.
And it just makes me wonder... if you say people don't treat everyone like they treated me, then why treat me badly and not someone else? I try my best not to make anyone mad. I hate it when someone is mad at me. But just deciding "hey! I'll ignore this person just because I want to!" just doesn't make any sense to me.
My anger may seem misplaced, but I am truely sick of seeing people treated improperly, not just me. Little rings of friends are too tight these days that no one can join in, and I've seen such a "ring" displayed here. Everyone who's ever "popular" are in this ring, and others are cast aside. At least, that is how I'm seeing it from the posts and reactions I've seen. If people are wanting this "friendship" you're talking about, then why have none replied or tried contacting me? It doesn't make sense.
Flame me if you want, but this is how I truely feel, and I'm not going to lie about it and say it's all right for how I've been treated here and in other places. Lieing won't get me or anyone else anywhere.
Let me get this straight... you are seeing popularity "rings" among Pride Members because of their posts and to its responses? Well... actually such things do take place and you are correct, partially. But this shouldn't let you dictate a negative influence towards everyone. However, I do see where you'd feel confined at. Things like these cannot be controlled, and this is the way things are. Why haven't people contacted you ? I have no idea. I only speak for people at large, and nothing more. People being mean ? Well... that's just life. If you're nice to someone and they don't give you the same respect back, hey who's the better person, hmm?
It all comes down to this Nicoga, you are a bit displaced, and you have every right to be, attentively; we care and you do too, and I believe that's a firm basis of friendship ....
=)
why not sogn up for a hotmail account? its free:D
I want my father. I need my father. And I can't get him. It'll be too late and I hate myself and wish to God that it will all be over soon. It has to b so difficult to share time with someone you love, you're only friend. And to be harassed, attacked for it all hurts more. I'll always be alone. I've never had a true friend, never had someone that inside I really felt was there. I want to die if anything. I need to. :(
They don't have to suffer me.
Well today is 40th day since my teacher death at NS.
12-02-06 around 0200.
He Died Near Bandar Kemaman, Chukai Terengganu. 25km from the camp, he's involved in Car Accident. We(Trainees and Teacher) accept his death as a tragic and we are all satisfied of god choice and return to our loved one.
May he rest in peace.
well. I come back after 3 days, bearing worst news possible in my case. Prepare for a long, crappy post.
On Sunday, March 20th I think, idk maybe it was the 19th. I was told my cat, the last one I had (Friskey died about 4 months ago) Now Tabanasi, (Not tabansi -.-) had "ran away" from the house. Now I expected nonetheless, because our cats always wander away from the house from time to time, and usually come back after about an hour or two. But this was not the case. I sat on the front porch calling his name for about.. 5 and a half hours, parents wanted me inside at around 10 pm because it was about 48 degrees Farenheit. and I was already blue as the sky on a sunny day. But besides that, That night I had went up to my parents room on the third floor, and hid by the stairs because they were conversing with one another.. And believe it or not. it was about how they were to tell me what had happened to Tabanasi. All I wanted to do, was to go up and ask to stay up for about 10 more minutes to pack my school stuff. Since I had left my backpack upstairs to use on the desktop since they took my laptop away from me after a humungous argument about school, and other IRL events I was going through that they had no clue about since I wouldn't tell them. I was shocked, realizing after my stepdad had said he was "eaten alive" basically by a stray dog that wandered into our neighborhood. They had already buried what had remained of him in the side of the house, (Yard whatever) and I really didn't care to check anything out about the yard, unless I was about to mow it or something.. But this was not the case. I ran to my room, and fell asleep crying, to wake up to them telling me that cat was gone, my 8 year old cat I had had since I was 7 years old, the cat I recieved on my birthday. The one that slept with me every night of my life, had died. This was monday that I was told this, a day I was supposed to go to my public school, but I fought with my parents, and they got pissed off at me majorly. Because I told them I wasn't going to school, and I wasn't going to go anywhere. Basically I had good reasons to not want to go to school, but I never tell my parents anything that goes on with my life at school, or anything. Hell they dont even know i'm bi, Ffs they know nothing about me o.O; But still, I never told them and they never saw the truth in me, the truth being this:
Everyday that I went to school, I was greeted by kids holding the front door shut, mainly seniors and sophmores that hated me majorly. Every day I was thrown around, I'd open my locker sometimes, and get it slammed shut by some passing guy, sometimes ones that I know, some that I don't that were just told to do it cause it would be funny to "Pick on the little guy" or some stupid excuse. In class, I was constantly poked fun at, mostly because I didn't do drugs, I didn't smoke, I didn't wear cool clothes, I didn't drink, I didn't have sex every monday, I never partied, and I had no friends. The biggest reason, being I was bisexual. I put up with this for about.. 8 years of my life, and I had never told anyone about my problems, just day by day would go by with me going to school and the same routine happening to me. And believe me its not a fun thing to experience. I was told the schools I went to were a positive learning environment, and full of friendly people. I had seen different than what I was told. Because the kids were not positive to me at all..
Back to the point, on monday morning my parents yelled at me, and told me "Fine be a reject, and a person that never will succeed, see if I care" and slammed the door on me, I was still in my bed, wrapped up, crying to myself as they took my little brother to school. I woke up at around 6, got the "glare" if some know it, by my parents, ate my dinner silently, and went back to my bed room and tried to fall asleep but couldn't and hell that was the only thing I could do, until I grabbed a hold of my cell phone. And started to talk to Prince_Kivoru via text messages. I had some fun in that, for about 4 hours or more just talking away with my online bro, who's probably one of the nicest persons I have ever met in my entire life.. And when my parents walked in my room and saw me using my cell phone to "communicate" outside of the house with people I wasn't supposed to be talking with, aka People I don't know being on my cell phone, because my parents think if I meet or know someone online they are just someone wanting to find me and rape, or kill me. My parents are just way to overprotective, one of the reasons I took weight training to increase my muscularity, so I could prove I could take care of myself, but obviously... It didn't help :/ They took the cell phone away from me, scoured at me for about 30 minutes with a huge lecture about how I was to never talk to that person again (Kivoru) and how much they were dissapointed in me for breaking yet another rule by them. And by this time, I was nearly to the point of breaking down, once again like I had done about 3 months ago when my parents almost decided to break up because of me. 8 years had built up, of taking this kind of crap, and my head just couldn't hold it anymore. It was just killing me from the inside out, my heart was about to explode. I couldn't talk to the ones I loved, and it was tearing me apart slowly, but surely.. it was getting the job done, Every night I dreamt about the ones I loved, mostly LC, Because she's who I am, what I am, and is everything about me, I can't stop thinking about her for some odd reason. If I'm breathing, you better know I'm thinking of her. And everytime I thought about her, it made me even worse feeling because I couldn't have a conversation with her, and it only made me long for her more, and made me realize, how badly I need her in my life. Tuesday came, I did the same thing, got yelled at again for being the most pathetic person to ever walk the face of the earth, that I wouldn't ever be accepted into the crowd because I give up way to easily.. And once again.. I let it slide, not telling my parents anything about why I didn't want to go to school, what was going on at school and why I needed to get OUT of school. After this, my head was starting to pain so much it was causing me to black out momentarily sometimes, and my parents noticed this at the table at dinner that night, A tear fell down my eye that I had let slide on accident, and the ocassional "whats wrong baby.." came out of my mothers mouth, and I had no response, I just continued eating, and finished.. walked back to my room and fell asleep, crying once again. This time I must have been crying in my sleep still because I woke up with a wet pillow, and my mother at my side, at 9 am. 2 hours after the begining of the school day. I didn't know what was going on. Or what had happened, all I knew was my mother was wrapped up around me holding me tightly, asking what was wrong, and why I wanted out of school and why I wasn't willing to go to school anymore. Because everytime they asked me "how was your day at school" I would always reply positively "It was awesome we did this and this" or "It was amazing mom, thanks for asking", but then I had had enough, I couldn't live with it inside of me anymore, I broke down.. Then and there.
I stayed huddled up to my mom for about 3 hours talking about all that had happened, why I was tired of school, and what was going on. She said she had no clue why that was, because she would always say "Why don't you go and hang out with that kid.. you know.. Nicholas, he seems nice" when that kid, or him would be one of the major guys that picked on me, but was always the nicest perfect angel whenever your parents or an adult was around. And you just really didn't feel like being a "tattle tale" or a jerk for pointing out they were doing something or something else. And she realized after I told her what had happened, That I needed out, I wasn't going to make it. She had grounded me before because of my grades, and I told her that I had cared less about school for months now, I started even not caring about my own well-being, my health or anyone online. It was basically to the point I was a walking brick. I had no emotions for anyone, except for the ones that I kept private and in my mind, those being my online family, Lea Halalela. It was one of the most embarassing, and saddening moments of my entire life, I felt as if all my pride of being male, or whatever it was. was washed away then and their. I just didn't feel like the "big tough guy" My stepfather always thought I was. But sadly, I wasn't that to begin with, I never took action to those who picked upon me or anything. I'd just shrug and walk away acting like it didn't phase me a bit. But when in reality. It was killing me, breaking me down, and slowly eating away my life.
(Continued)
And then, my mom told my step father about what was happening whilst I was curled up against my stuffed leopard, and they talked and talked for what seemed to be an enternity, until my mother told me about possibly going to a private school. Now bare in mind these things cost a fortune, and I was slightly worried that my parents might not have the money to send me to one, but thankfully, they did, I was considered lucky there as if you wanted to say that.. And then I agreed thoroughly, I'd do anything to get away from the kids that went to my school, because I was now walking the line, a line about as thin as a string, between life and death. My parents knew I'd tried suicide before, when everyone started to come to me online with all their problems and I was going through an emotional state of being (no not a period, i'm a guy -.-) I was just really down, and with trying to help others, it was not helping at all. And still thats not the point, they said they'd do anythign to help me out. Because to them now, it seemed they really wanted me to stay in my educational purposes, and become more than what I am now, but they told me "We have a really bad way of showing what we really think you are, and how much we really love you" and by this, I guess it proved how much they really did.. I don't know.. But we got the phone book and started calling numbers, and found a school. Its called Gramarscy or something like that.. I had my first real day of school today, it was totally different.. about 7 classes instead of 4 like I was used to.. And all the kids were extremely nice, the sad thing is.. Its a christian school and i'm not really the /greatest/ christian in the world, though I did find out you can be christian and gay/bi at the same time.. so I am, but the sad part is, I've already heard so much about people not really liking gay's at lunch and in class that its so saddening, I don't really know if I should let anyone know about my sexual preferences.. Because I don't want what happened back at my public school to happen here either.. I'm actually happy here, with kids my own age, that are nice, and friendly. Instead of having the two major groups "non popular" and "popular" kids, this school has 22 kids in my grade (10th) and everyone sticks together for one another. And its awesome to actually have people that care about you, rather than your own parents for once in a while.. Its just an amazing feeling, that I have never felt in a long..long.. time. And with that.. I guess thats all I can really say, thats why i've been gone for 3.. or 4 days now.. Thanks for reading.. Just wanted to give a heads up about what was going on with me.. Love ya guys.. Thanks again for reading *sighs and walks off*
~KTL
Glad you found a place that's cool and all, KTL. I hope things start turning around since you are in a more positive enviroment.
Concerned ... I'm quite concerned right now and I've been so the latest six months or so, if not the whole year, but right now, I'm extremely concerned and I've been so the whole week ... and last week too ... And it's getting worser, 'cause I know Talli will be home today sometime from his trip, in some hours maybe, and it might only be hours left until he hates me ... >< And if he will, I'll die ... And if not, I'll kinda die too 'cause I just feel so embarrassed. But it's more bothering that he will hate me ... of course, I know he will ... I don't see any reason why not but ... I don't know, he might be understanding, and able to forgive me for whatever I've done, 'cause I just regret it so much, and it's so bothering thoughts I'm concerned over that as well ... And I'm so concerned about him founding my letter, and read it, and if you read this Tall, please forgive me ... I wish I never met you when I did, but right now when things were changed, but now the reality is like it is and it's nothing to do about it, but to try and fix it up ... And I'm doing so, okey ... ? And I've felt terrible the time you've been gone, when I wrote the letter, I was crying rivers. When I sent it, I felt a black hole grow inside me, though I know there was no escape any more by then unless I didn't blow the mailbox up. It took me days to get the courage to actually go down and post it. And the next days I felt terrible for your last mail, and how bothering your trip week would be, but now I read you had fun anyway, not thinking about what I had to say too much, but I guess you've been wondering about it sometimes ... I hope you weren't too concerned and could enjoy the time out there a lot, but I was really worried you wouldn't ... And the last three days I've been ill, I had a terrible stomachahce I couldn't move, really, and I spent all those days in my bed, thinking, watching your present, feeling how much more bothered and regretful I became every day ... I really feel terrible, trust me, and now the end is so near I can barely stand those last hours, 'cause I'm afraid of the future and how it will destroy everything >< I'm so stupid ... *hits head in wall* Oh ... well, if you really are reading this Tall, I hope you will talk with me again, and maybe let me explain some more, 'cause that letter couldn't tell you enough, but I guess I never will be able to explain everything completely to make this good again anyway, so I guess I shan't complain ... But if ... even if I'm scared of talking to you again ... Mm... maybe I should end this message here anyway ... No one probably understand what I mean, except Tall, but I'll let you know sometime, don't ask now, I've problems enough to deal with first ... And I just had to lighten up my heart a little and all I guess ... I don't know ... Thanks for me anyway, now I'll go and die a little more until I'll hear from BB again ...
*edit*
Just notice he had sent a PM before he left for a goodbye from me, but of course I didn't have a message I had got a PM, no, fine, now he probably think I didn't want to say goodbye to him too xX Stupid computer
Oh my gosh, KTL, I can't believe it but that post made me cry. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through, I can't imagine how hard it must be. But now that you've talked to your parents about it and you're at a private school I really do hope things go better for you. :hugs: It seems that they started out good so I hope they can only improve. As for telling them whether your gay/bi or not, hopefully it sholdn't matter to them, but you could get to know them a little better first before telling them, just so your more comfortable with telling them I guess. But ultimately, it's up to you. The small class sounds good, I had 20 people in my year 12 class and although we weren't all close friends, we all stuck together and supported each other, it was really cool. :hugs: to you KTL.
And Kiara, I'm not sure what it is what's happened, I'm assuming there's something you've done that Talli may not forgive? I hope you two can sort it out, whatever it may be. :)
Kiara I sent you a rarther possitive e-mail so you should fell way better.
Wow, KTL... I am glad it seems things are starting to improving. I know we don't know each other that well. But any way, I hope this new positive enviroment helps out. :hugs:
Okay, so I just noticed that Boos' account on here is deleted. So I'm wanting to know what happened to the ol' chap? :thinks:
It's gonna get out anyway, so I might as well let it out. Boos and Nuka/Ravoc have both retired from GT. No one knows why Boos left, and Nuka's reasons are none of my or anybody elses business.
Hm.. I think I need a real job. This jobless staying at home killing me :/
Well good luck with finding one :D It does suck to be stuck at home with nothing to do and your parents in your ear all the time. And the money is worth it all ;)
Ok I finally got around to actually thinking of what to post so I'm going to just go ahead and post this down here now. Today I recieved very bad news; I've learned something that has really gutted me and felt like I've been in the gut with a sledgehammer. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't cried because I have cried quite abit already.
Alot of people already know why I am so down and my screen name on MSN gives it away at the moment.
My close friend of six years and clan leader was killed at 11:38 last night in a car accident; I found this out at 3:00pm this afternoon and little details have been given out to me yet. I have no idea how bad it was; but since the medics couldn't do anything and died it had to be really bad.
Anyway for six years I've grown close to him and now hes gone I can't quite believe it; he seemed so invincible even I started to think it.
He was fighting out in Iraq pratically since the begining; hes been sent back twice due to injuries sustained out there. One for a broken leg being thrown from a 2-3 story window breaking his leg before going back to be captured and tortured. He lost a eye but somehow got out and came back again; he was going to be sent back to do basic stuff since losing his eye in about 2 weeks.
But unfortunatly that isn't going to happen no more after what happened last night. I feel sorry for his daughter and the rest of his family and friends plus those who ever had the honor to have this guy play for there online clans.
J Goddard a.k.a IceMan 1979-2006 ..Legends will forever live on....RIP Commander *salutes* you will be missed
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...toasttoice.jpg
I raise a beer to you dude
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v3...tj/atoast2.jpg
May you rest in peace.