Post Your Jokes Now--Why? Because The Queen Said So!

[la_reina]

LOL, I'm so bored right now, and I need a good laugh. So everyone post jokes here...unless there's already a thread like this one. Oh well, I'll start:

This is supposed to be a ''dumb blonde'' joke, but anyways...

Two blonde girls were in a car, on their way to Disneyland, when they came to a fork in the road. A sign between the roads said ''Disneyland left'', so the girls turned around and went home, disappointed. :D :D

[nathalie]

whaha, good one *lol* ... I shall not take this personnally :p *lol*

[unregistered user]

One of my favorites:

"Yo momma so fat, she got her big toe stuck in the toilet." XD

:lol:

[King Simba]

I aint any good at jokes but these are great up to now... :lol: :p

[unregistered user]

RFLMAO! :lol: :lol: :lol: +Fave...

"Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!"

"Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it."

"Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!"

"Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles."

"Yo momma so fat when she turns around they throw her A WELCOME-BACK PARTY."

"Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world."

EDIT: Reference! (http://www.leahalalela.com/showthread.php?threadid=2295&highlight=Momma)

[unregistered user]

okay okay i got one
this happen when my pop first time speak english :lol:
hi Your name is Zul :D What my name?
okay you can throw the monitor at me
EDIT:

Originally posted by SoniqueX
RFLMAO! :lol: :lol: :lol: +Fave...

"Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!"

"Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it."

"Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!"

"Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles."

"Yo momma so fat when she turns around they throw her A WELCOME-BACK PARTY."

"Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world."

EDIT: Reference! (http://www.leahalalela.com/showthread.php?threadid=2295&highlight=Momma)
Happy Mothers day :lol:

[la_reina]

......
okay...lol. Um, Sonique's really got it going with those 'yo mama' jokes, lol:lol:

Here's one my best friend told me; she's the queen of yo mama jokes, lol.

Yo mama's so tall she did a cartwheel and kicked Jesus.

[unregistered user]

Originally posted by la_reina
Yo mama's so tall she did a cartwheel and kicked Jesus.

:lol: :lol: That's a good one! ;)

[TakaTiger]

i hope no blonds take offence to this :D


Did you hear about the blond that threw a rock at the ground?

"no"

well, he missed

x)

[LunarCat]

lol TT

ah jokes, i've forgotten every single one that's funny :p

[King Simba]

:lol::lol: ROFL
Awesome jokes guys. :cheese: :lol:

[Sombolia]

Queen of what? :p :hehe:

Here's one my friend came up with on the fly.. I was the lone one that cracked up.. :p

"Yo momma's so poor, she can't afford to live."

[Mizani]

Cool I got a blond joke

:D
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A blonde is driving along in her car and she passes a field. In the field is another blonde in a rowing boat in the middle of the field rowing as hard as she can but getting no where. The blonde in the car stops her car and gets out and shouts to the other blonde.
"Its blondes like you who gives us blondes a bad name. I'd come out and get you if I could swim"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ha ha ha I think its funny:cheese:

[la_reina]

LOL:lol: That's a good one!
Here are a couple more:

Yo mama's so dumb, she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

Yo mama's so fat, dumb, and clumsy, on her way to Target, she tripped over K-mart and landed on Wal-Mart.

[unregistered user]

Yo mama's so Small that she could be Mini me Wife :lol:

Edit: Ya mama's so fat that she could be Fat Joe Wife :lol:

okay.. throw something at me Please

[la_reina]

*drops anvil on Guntur's head*
ANYway...:lol:
Here's one of my faves. I hope no one finds this offensive. If you do, lemme know and I'll erase it.

Okay, there were 3 guys named Shutup, Doodoo, and Manners. They were riding their bikes down the street when Doodoo fell and injured himself.

Manners turned to Shutup and said, ''Go get help while I stay here and look after Doodoo.''

So Shutup searched for help until he came upon a police officer.

Shutup: Officer, officer, my friend needs help!

Officer: Okay, I'll help you, but you have to tell me your name first.

Shutup: Shutup.

Officer: Excuse me?

Shutup: Shutup.

Officer: I need you to tell me your name, son.

Shutup: Shutup!

Officer: Tell me your name!

Shutup: Shutup!

Officer: Your name, son!

Shutup: SHUTUP!

Officer: Where are your manners?

Shutup: Just up the street picking up Doodoo.

[unregistered user]

classic... :p
*awww* look like joke falls on me :lol:

[la_reina]

You've heard that one before?

[Banzai]

sorry blondes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

there was a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde who had just robbed a bank. the cops were after them so they pulled over at a potato factory and climbed in barrels of potatos. the cops came in and kicked the barrel that the redhead was in. she said "MEOW!". the other cop kicked the barrel that the brunette was in. she said "WOOF!". so they go over and kick the barrel that the blonde was in. aluva sudden they hear "POTATOS!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

sorry... really stupid joke but it sounds better when you hear it out loud... i thought it was funny

[Alli]

Okay, this is one i heard a while ago.

_-------------------
There was a man. He didn't know how to speak any words. (Okay, i forgot the whole part of this, so i'm gonna make it up. Maybe somebody else knows this joke and can tell what really happens here.) He went into a preschool and learned how to say "Me me me!". Than he went into a place for plastic surgery and learned how to say, "Needles and knives." . After this, he went into Walmart and went to the plug in section and learned how to say, "Plug it in plug it in." Well, he was walking home when he walked by a murder scene. One of the cops asked him, "Do you have any idea who did this?" And he replied, "Me me me!" The cop replied, "Oh really? What'd you kill him with?" And the man replied by saying, "Needles and knives." Furious, the cop put him in handcuffs and said, "I'm sorrry sir, you're gonna have to be put in the electric chair." And the man said, "Plug it in plug it in."

Hehe...

[unregistered user]

okay i got one.. :D
wait... errr. i forgot :p

[la_reina]

LOL, what is it? The queen demands you tell it!:evilgrin::lol:

[unregistered user]

that the joke :p
:lol:

[la_reina]

you can't be serious...
that is a sad, sad joke:lol::p:lol:

[unregistered user]

haha you just laugh at me joke :lol:
:p
i wonder why :p

[la_reina]

:lol: Yeah, I did:lol:

[unregistered user]

people laugh when theres a joke :p
you just laugh me joke :p :lol:

[la_reina]

Okay, okay:p
You have a peculiar sense of humor:p

[LunarCat]

dunno if someone posted this one......

A man walks into a bar, and says 'Ow'

:lol: LOL! that's a kneeslapper........(sarcasm, ya ....)

[la_reina]

LOL:lol:

[la_reina]

Two blondes walk into a building.
You would've thought one of them could've seen it.
:lol:

[unregistered user]

:lol:
wait.. is that a joke ?:p kiddin..
okay i got one..
:lol:
haha.. err... lemme think...
still zero :p

btw your inbox is full :p :rawr:

[la_reina]

Yah, I emptied it:D

[unregistered user]

^ now that a joke :lol:
im always laugh with no reason :p

[la_reina]

LOL, okay...
Here's another one:

There was a blonde that walked into a hair salon. She asked to the stylist, ''I want you to
cut my hair, but DO NOT remove my headphones.''

The stylist said okay. So she began working on the blonde's hair, when she accidentally snagged on the wire to her headphones, causing the blonde to faint.

Curious and scared, the stylist picked up the blonde's headphones and heard, ''Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.''

:lol:

[unregistered user]

:lol::lol: :p
that good :p

[la_reina]

*bows*
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all night:D

[la_reina]

You so poor, I saw you walking down the street kicking a can, and I said, ''What're you doing?'' and you said ''I'm moving.''
:lol:

[unregistered user]

:lol:
no momma :p
:lol:
Cow and Chicken - Kick the can,Kick the can,Kick the can,Kick the can.......

[la_reina]

:lol:

[LunarCat]

righto! gots a joke!

> A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two
> new dogs, and asked her
> what their names were.
>
> The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
> and one was named Timex.
>
> Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs
> like that?"
>
> "HellOOOOOOO," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

:p

[la_reina]

:lol::lol: That's good!

Here's one:

Yo mama so dumb, she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

:lol:

[LunarCat]

:lol:

[unregistered user]

Yo momma so fat, I licked her forearm and it taste like ham.

:lol:

[unregistered user]

okay.. errr.. Hey... i like to be random...
that all..
Ya mama so dumb that she thought her life was perfect..
end of random.. :lol:

[Alli]

Three girls rob a bank. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. While they're running away the stumble into a potatoe factory. They each get into a potatoe sack to hide. When the police come in to investigate, they turn over the brunette's potato sack, and she goes, "Meow!" Than they turn over to redheads potato sack and she goes, "Woof!" Than they turn over the the blondes potato sack and she goes, "Potato!"

[la_reina]

I've heard that one! :lol: It's one of my faves!

[IchLiebeNALA]

Potato. HA!

*No Joke from me, except me*

[unregistered user]

This joke is kinda...mean...i don know..

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

[la_reina]

:lol: Ha! Yeah, it is kinda racist, but it's funny:lol:

[Alli]

Very funny, i JUST got it after thinking a bit xD But a tad racist ;)

WARNING: Blonde jokes are on their way...I have a ton xD

[unregistered user]

Well my mama said somebody is gunna be happy wiff what ya say, and somebody ain't....it's just on how ya depict happy from ain't.

[la_reina]

:lol: What??:p

[Alli]

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
--------------------------
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
-------------------------
(Sorry if the spelling in this offends some of you. I found this one quite amusing, lol) A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"

The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
-------------------------------
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?

"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"

"The idiot called me back."

[Alli]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."

Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
----------------------
Why are blonde jokes so stupid?

So brunettes can get them!
-----------

[unregistered user]

Originally posted by la_reina
:lol: What??:p

Exactly me point :lol:

At the Alliness: I had to read em 4 times before it made .....well not sense, but, you understand :lol: They are good! ;)

[Alli]

Haha, is utora blonde ;) xD

[unregistered user]

Originally posted by Alli
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."

Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
----------------------
Why are blonde jokes so stupid?

So brunettes can get them!
-----------
:lol: :lol: rofl:lol: lmao
can't... breathe..

[Alli]

Lol, thank you *Bows* I went through a ton of blonde jokes *Most pretty stupid* And these were some of the funniest. Glad you enjoyed them xD

[unregistered user]

Originally posted by Alli
Haha, is utora blonde ;) xD

Actually I WAS blonde in my earlier years. I'm brown now, from my mother ;) :lol: You wish I was blond, so you could poke fun at me :lol:

[unregistered user]

You know what's funny
I have no jokes today:p
just messing with yall

[la_reina]

Originally posted by Alli
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."

Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."

Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"

"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"
----------------------
Why are blonde jokes so stupid?

So brunettes can get them!
-----------

My sister told me this one before:p
It's good, it's good:D

[Mizani]

I got another one.
Theres an English man, Australian, and an Irishman and their sitting at a
table with their wives having tea.

The English man says to his wife, "pass me the honey, Honey"

The Australian says to his wife, "pass me the sugar, Sugar"

And the Irishman says, "pass me the tea, Bag!"
:lol:

[unregistered user]

I usually kill for money, but your my friend so il kill you for nothing.

[LunarCat]

:lol: omg Alli the T-G-I-F one was soooooo funny i love it. ;)

[la_reina]

Originally posted by Mizani
I got another one.
Theres an English man, Australian, and an Irishman and their sitting at a
table with their wives having tea.

The English man says to his wife, "pass me the honey, Honey"

The Australian says to his wife, "pass me the sugar, Sugar"

And the Irishman says, "pass me the tea, Bag!"
:lol:

That reminds me of this really good joke my brother told me a while ago:D It's a little racist, so if anyone gets offended by it, just lemme know.

Okay, there were three men standing on a bridge. One was American, the other Russian, and the last Mexican.

The Russian, who held a pack of alcoholic beverages threw them over the bridge and said, ''I don't need this anymore, there are too many these in my country.''

Then the Mexican, who held a pack of cigarrettes (drugs) threw them over the bridge and said, ''I don't need this anymore, there are too many these in my country.''\

Then the American grabbed the Mexican and threw him over the bridge and said, '' I don't
need him around anymore there are too many of him in my country.''

:lol:

[Lenna]

I have a joke here: boy: Iam telling on you!

girl: why?


boy: Becuase you jumped in the pond and kissed James Bond. lol here's another one: Girl: Iam telling on you!
Girl#2: why?
Girl: Becuase you took my gum and never said yum.

lol Iam bad at jokes , those are the only jokes i can think of right now.

[Shoukai]

not much of a joke but....

"You do not want a doctor who also has a hobby, as in you do not want a gynecologist who is also a magician."

the same goes for "you do not want a proctlogist who is also a ventriloquist"

don't get it? look up the words :cheese:

[la_reina]

^Oh, I get it, alright:eww:

[Alli]

Want proof humans are doomed by their stupidity? Well, here's some actual label instructions found on various consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On Swan frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (Hey, it's Only a suggestion...)

On a Tesco dessert (printed on bottom of box): Do not turn upside-down.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (an open invitation to shoplifters...)

On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for an Iron (Rowenta): Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boots Children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol sleep aid: 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'

On Sainsbury peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[Alli]

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[Sombolia]

Originally posted by Alli
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

:lol: :lol: xD!

[moonibear]

This one's hilarious:

>Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, " I'm Stupid".
>
>That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them
>anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see
>your sign."
>
>It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there
>was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey,
>you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see
>how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.
>
>" A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his
>boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot
>on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope-Talked 'em into
>giving up. Here's your sign.
>
>"I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There
>was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
>"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you
>to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
>you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.
>
>"Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
>side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck,
>looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist and
>said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right
>up on me. Here's your sign."
>
>We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
>house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
>house he gets out of the car & reaches down & grabs the exhaust pipe &
>says,"Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have
>stopped him.
>
>I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know
>I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get
>it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local
>cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
>questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a
>sign......until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself!
>I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said....
>"no I'm delivering a bridge. Here's your sign."
>
>I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are
>you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your
>sign."Anybody you know need a sign today?

[Alli]

Originally posted by Utora
Actually I WAS blonde in my earlier years. I'm brown now, from my mother ;) :lol: You wish I was blond, so you could poke fun at me :lol:


Lol, i'm blonde...xD Naturally

[la_reina]

Really? :confused:
I thought your hair was a ginger red-ish color.
Well, then we need to stop telling blonde jokes.

[unregistered user]

IM bad in jokes
still i love my 'bed' jokes:p
;)

[la_reina]

Okay those weren't very pleasant :lol::p

[Shadow]

Originally posted by Alli
:On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

you damn rasist ! XD

lol J/K i have to check if thats true

[Alli]

Originally posted by la_reina
Really? :confused:
I thought your hair was a ginger red-ish color.
Well, then we need to stop telling blonde jokes.

Nope, i'm pure blonde xD

[Sombolia]

I've got more stupid warning labels.. :D

Peddleboat: Fast peddling may cause rapid tiring of legs.


Package of bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.


Bag of peanuts: Contains nuts.


Can of squeezy cheese stuff: For best results, remove cap.


Air conditioner: Avoid dropping air conditioners out the window.


Hair color: Do not use as ice cream topping.


Floodlight: Capable of illuminating things, even in the dark.


Mattress: Warning! Do not attempt to swallow.


Matchbook: Warning: contents may catch fire.


Jigsaw puzzle: Some assembly required.


Chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.


Computer: Keyboard not detected. Press F1 to continue.


Rental DVD: Be kind--rewind.


Little package of toilet-fresh stuff: Safe to use around pets and children, but it is not recommended that either drink from the toilet.


Electric drill: Not to be used as a dental drill.


Bag of kitty litter: Safe to use around pets.


Asprin bottle: Do not take if allergic to Asprin.


Road sign: Warning! Water on road during rain.


Floatie Sugar Shoes: Warning! Not to be used as floating devices.


Toy shield: Not to be used in actual combat.


Child's superhero costume: Does not enable you to fly.


Yogurt (printed on bottom): Do not store upside down.


Foaming face wash: May contain foam.


Iron: Do not iron clothes on body.


Fast food coffee: Contents may be hot.


Sign inside a bathroom stall: Please don't drop pens into the toilet. They clog the plumbing.


Attention Truckers: To use this highway you must have: Engine Brakes Exhaust system


Large analog alarm clock: Warning: This alarm will wake you up.


Bottle of mineral water: Suitable for vegetarians.

[Kiara Serengeti]

Stroller: take baby out before collapsing stroller

"Orange clean" car-cleaning fluid: do not drink

Barbie commercial: dolls don't walk and talk on their own.

Popsicle: THIS PRODUCT IS EXTREMELY COLD.

EDITED TO ADD: Ford Explorer '94 manual: Not to be used as ambulance

[LunarCat]

Giant Alarm Clock: Warning clock WILL wake you up

[Kiara Serengeti]

I saw this somewhere...
PERSON #1: "Maybe it ISN'T lust. Maybe he really does LOVE her...what Disney channel are you watching?":lol:

[IchLiebeNALA]

a man goes into a bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out", to which, the drunk man goes out of the pub

5 minutes later, the man goes into the bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out", so, the drunk man goes out.

5 minutes later, the man goes into the bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out"

he goes out.

5 minutes later, the man goes into the bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out"
The man Replies "Do you own all the pubs around here?"

[Sombolia]

This time, I've got stupid laws! (and yes, these actually exist, or existed at some point in time).

If an animal control officer is in uniform, it signifies to the public that he is an animal control officer.


Owners of flamingos may not bring their pets into barber shops.


Anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it runs out.


It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 on Sunday.


The detonation of a nuclear device within city limits will result in a $500 fine.


It is illegal to shower naked.


When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.


It is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

[Endra]

Originally posted by Sombolia



The detonation of a nuclear device within city limits will result in a $500 fine.

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.


These two made me laugh out loud! :lol:

[Aurelian]

In Florida, it is illegal to chain your pet ailgator to fire hydrants.

In Chicago, it is illegal to bring giraffes indoors.

[LunarCat]

i forget where i saw this one, but it said something like: "It is illegal to give alcohol do the animals at the local zoo." :p

[la_reina]

Originally posted by IchLiebeNALA
a man goes into a bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out", to which, the drunk man goes out of the pub

5 minutes later, the man goes into the bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out", so, the drunk man goes out.

5 minutes later, the man goes into the bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out"

he goes out.

5 minutes later, the man goes into the bar and goes "Pint of bitter please, barman"
the barman replies "no, i'm not serving you. You're drunk. Get out"
The man Replies "Do you own all the pubs around here?"

:lol:
Kind of reminds me of the drunk guys walking up and down the street at night :p

[la_reina]

Double-post :p
Yo momma's teeth so yellow I Can't Believe It's Not Butter :p

[nafklt]

Weird laws.

British Columbia, Canada .. It is illegal to kill a sasquatch

Alberta, Canada .. If you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.

Uxbridge, Canada .. Residents are not allowed to have an Internet connection faster than 56k

Alabama

* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
* Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
* It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.



California

* Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
* Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
* Bathhouses are against the law. [Get the full text of this law.]
* It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
* Women may not drive in a house coat.



Florida

* Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
* A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
* If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
* It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
* Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
* Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
* It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
* When having sex, only the missionary position is legal.



Kansas

* Prohibits shooting rabbits from a motorboat.



Louisiana

* It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.



Indiana

* It is illegal for a liquor store to sell cold soft drinks.
* Liquor stores may not sell milk.



Michigan

* You may not swear in front of women and children in the state of Michigan.



Nebraska

* It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.



New York

* A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
* It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
* A license must be purchased before hanging clothes on a clothesline.
* The penalty for jumping off a building is death.



North Dakota

* Beer and pretzels can't be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant.
* It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.



Ohio

* It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday.
* It is illegal to get a fish drunk.



Pennsylvania

* A person is not eligible to become Governor if he/she has participated in a duel.



Texas

* It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
* It is illegal to drive without windshield wipers. You don't need a windshield, but you must have the wipers.
* It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
* It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
* A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
* The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.



Wisconsin

* You must manually flush all urinals in a building.
* Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.

Australia

* Children may not purchase cigarettes, but can smoke them.
* You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle.
* It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.
* It is illegal to read someone's tarot, or give them a psychic reading as these are forms of witchcraft.
* Under Australian Communications Authority (ACA) regulations, your modem can't pick up on the first ring. If it does the ACA permit for your modem is invalid and there's a $12000 fine. - Telecommunications Act 1991.



England

* Those wishing to use a television must apply for a license.
* It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.
* Picking up abandoned baggage is as act of terrorism.



France

* Between the hours of 8AM and 8PM, 70% of the music in the radio must be by French composers.



Thailand

* It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
* You must wear a shirt while driving a car.
* You must pay a fine of $600 in Thailand if you're caught throwing away chewed bubblegum on the sidewalk. If you do not pay the fine, you are jailed.
* No one may step on any of the nation's currency.

http://www.md.lp.org/weird_laws.html

[LunarCat]

:lol: awesomeness Naf, very funny :D :cheese:

[Fear The Paw]

Thats assome, thanks for the nut shell nafklt.

[la_reina]

:lol:
Seems my state is the only one that doesn't carry out unusual laws :p

[Iestyn]

Originally posted by nafklt
It is illegal to leave baggage unattended.
What's weird about that? If you leave it unattended, sure, you know what's in it, but others don't. As far as anyone else is concerned it could well be a Hydrogen bomb. Oh and before anyone says so, I'm not offended by it, merely confused.

[la_reina]

:lol: Okay, 'cuase I thought you were :p

[Alli]

What do you call a black pilot?



















A pilot you racist bastards!!!

[la_reina]

:lol: Okaaaay :p

[Guntur]

I really think we need to re-life this topic.

Boy (Talk to a red hair girl): Wow, you're acting like a dumb blonde
Girl: Sorry??? My hair color is red!.

There's two people you gonna lie in this world.
Cops, and your wife.

[This Land]

There where 2 men, one was drinking battery acid and one was firing fireworks. A policeman caught them, He charged one man and the other man got let off.

[la_reina]

^ LOL TL, never heard that one before :p

Okay, I dunno about anyone else, but I enjoy a few racist jokes every now and then. I'll tell a couple, but if it offends anyone, just lemme know :)

--Why is it that only 10,000 Mexicans made it to the Alamo?
Because they only had two cars xD

--How would you know if Adam and Eve weren't black?
Easy, you can't take a rib from a black man :p

[Fire_Hazard]

How do you stop four black guys from robbing a bank?

Throw them a basketball.

How do you stop four white guys from robbing a bank?

Throw them each a BigMac... *Make sure you don't run out of them after they eat the first one...:p*

Heh heh. I made a joke at each of them....... That cancels them out, right?...o.O

[la_reina]

:lol: It does and they're pretty good too:p

Sorry, STL...

[Daniel]

heh, most of my jokes are offensive, just ask reina :secret:

especially the ones about the rappers :p

[Neola]

Originally posted by Daniel
heh, most of my jokes are offensive, just ask reina :secret:

especially the ones about the rappers :p
Oh Oh, I wanna hear them!:D j/k :lol:

Anyway, I don't have anything against "racist jokes" either (I'd just rather not call them like that :S ), as long as they're not offensive of course...hell, if I felt spoken to by any of them, I'd laugh my butt off :lol:

Eh...I don't know any jokes atm...just really lame ones xD

[la_reina]

:lol: Yeah Danielito, let 'em hear them; they're not that bad. Unless we're just really crude people and enjoy such offensive jokes :p

[ThiagoPE]

there were tree persons in an airplane, one american, one fran?aise, and one brazilian. The american put his hand outside the plane and said: "i know im at home, becaiuse i just touched the liberty statue", the the fran?aise done the same and said "no, you?re wrong, we are ate my home, i just touchei the eifel tower," then the brazilian also put the hand outside the plane and said " Now i have the sure: we are in brazil" , the american and the fran?aise said at same time "why are you so sure???" the brazilian replied: because someone has stolen my hand watch.

[HasiraKali]

Why aren't there any penguins in Great Britain? :D

[Guntur]

I think reina know about my racist joke :idiot: but too bad I can't remember it.

[Neola]

Originally posted by HasiraKali
Why aren't there any penguins in Great Britain? :D
Because they're afraid of Wales :p

And yeah, I remeber those plane jokes...I used to know loads of them, I don't remember though :lol:

[Daniel]

Originally posted by la_reina
:lol: Yeah Danielito, let 'em hear them; they're not that bad. Unless we're just really crude people and enjoy such offensive jokes :p

i'll go for the latter of the two statements :secret:

[HasiraKali]

Originally posted by Neola
Because they're afraid of Wales :p

And yeah, I remeber those plane jokes...I used to know loads of them, I don't remember though :lol:

Aw man! :lol: I love that joke. Unfortunately, most of the jokes I know are dirty and no appropriate for this forum. :evilgrin:

[Fire_Hazard]

Ok, here's a Canadian joke that is reaally funny even for the guy telling the joke is Canadian! :D *I'll tell the short version. ;)*

A French-Canadian was applying for a job at a logging company in Quebec. The manager had a hating for people that spoke French or had a French accent, so he didn't let the applicant in. The FC was outraged. He started shouting insults that even Chuck Norris would gasp in horror. Finally, the manager considered an offer. "If you can say or spell 33 without using words, I will hire you."

The FC smiled and got out a piece of paper, drawing a line from the bottom and a little smudge at the top. He hands the paper to the manager and he frowns. "What is this?"

"Is dirty-tree"

The manager raises an eyebrow and thought that this was a joke. He was right, unfortunately and chuckled a little. "All right, that was the practice question. Now spell 66. See if you can figure that...."

The FC had already done it on the same piece of paper and drawn the same thing on it. A line and a smudge. "Ok, what the heck is this?"

"Monseiour, it ees dirty tree + dirty tree = seextee seex."

The manager gave him the same glance as the one before. A raised eyebrow and a frown. He was, of course, right again. He fumbled through his mind and then found something impossible that he would never be able to figure out. He was sure that he wouldn't have to hire this frechman. "Ok... Spell 100... Same rules apply"

The FC thought puzzlingly for a moment and then his eyes lit up. Grabbing the same sheet of paper, he swipes a brown marker and draws a little brown smudge at the bottom of the tree. He hands the piece of paper. "Ok... Since a dog took a poop at thee bottom of de tree, it's dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd = Niindee niine and eh half. Round it up too un hundred. So, when do I start?..."

Moral: NEVER MESS WITH A CANADIAN!! :D

[lion_roog]

Barring new guidlines to what constitutes a planet, Pluto no longer qualifies as one...But don't worry, studies have shown that 33 percent of Americans still do...:D

[ThiagoPE]

why the blonde woman was trowing light bulbs trhought the windows? simpe: she was trying to calculate the speed of light

[Kapasa]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said \$50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so cheap?," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

[Tiikeri]

Originally posted by Neola
Because they're afraid of Wales :p
Damn straight, Wales gonna take over!

I got some cracker ones...

What do you call a blind fawn?

No idea

and what do you call a blind fawn with no legs?

still no idea

Yay for xmas crackers!

[TakaTiger]

sence people got to post their bad jokes, i get to post one of mine! and it will most likley offend someon :P so deal with it


How do you get 20 babies into a bucket?

a blender!

how do you get them out?

Chips!

muhahahah! >=3

[Daniel]

"i say, i say, i say... my dogs got no nose"

"how does he smell?"

"of badger blood"

(yes, it's just a joke :secret: )

[Stormfury]

Lolz, Taka Tiger. o_O



Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?

She thought it was Diet Coke.
--

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.
--

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
---

[HasiraKali]

Why wasn't algebra difficult for the Romans?

Because X was always 10. :lol: Yes, it's a groaner but I thought it was pretty funny. :p

[LunarCat]

Why did the lion eat the tight-rope walker? :Ooo:

Because he wanted a well balanced meal!!!!! :lol: sorry, it's from the Kid's are Punny Rosie O'Donnell joke book xP

[Kovu The Lion]

Your face?

:D

[Utora]

The blonde and the rooster puzzle.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Could you please come over here
and help me? I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand. "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then..." he says with a deep sigh, glancing back at the table, "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."



I didn't make that one..I just thought it was pretty funny.

[HasiraKali]

As a blonde... :lol: That's a good one.

[Utora]

I'm blonde too but I think it varies..there's ditz blonde..then there's genius German blonde..then there's blondes that are smart and normal....I figure they're pointing at the ditz's......

:cheese:

[HasiraKali]

:lol: The blondes that come from a bottle are more than likely the culprits. ;)

[la_reina]

:lol: Good one, Utora...

[Kapasa]

Utora's joke : blondingly brilliant!

Behold The Funniest Joke In The World!

If you speak german, I suggest not watching this clip....because all who read it die..laughing.

I WARNED YOU! (http://youtube.com/watch?v=yff5Sp6bN6k)

[Tiikeri]

^ Monty Python pwns all <3

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse.

[Utora]

Subject: Fw: Gay Flight Attendant


My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.


As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."


She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."


To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *****."

----------------------

No mine..I just liked it.

:cheese:

[Nalas]

All these jokes are hilarious! :lol:

I've got one;

A pilot and a blonde flight attendant stay in a hotel over-night in separate rooms. The next morning, the pilot finds the *blonde* flight attendant hasn't left her room. He knocks on the door and asks, "Why haven't you left?"

The *blonde* flight attendant responds, "There's a sign on the door that says 'DO NOT DISTURB'."

I read that joke somewhere, but I thought it was hilarious! :lol:

[KanuTGL]

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Vidan]

An atom walks into a police station and exclaims, "Help! I've lost all my electrons."

An officer looks at the atom quizically. "Are you certain?" asks the officer.

The atom nods and says, "Oh yes, I'm quite positive!"



What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[Kirauni]

What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

What you just said :D

Here's another one:

What sound do two porcupines make when they kiss?

[KanuTGL]

What you just said :D
Precisely :idiot:

And no, I don't know what sound they make; do tell xD

[Vidan]

What sound do two porcupines make when they kiss?

"Ow!"?

[Kirauni]

Haha, yeah. Either that sound or "ouch" :cs_grin:

[cleargreenwater]

Where do smart hotdogs go?

[Vidan]

Where do smart hotdogs go?

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure they don't need ketchup.

[Kirauni]

Perhaps they enROLL to university?
Nah.. I don't really know either.

[cleargreenwater]

Omg, I think I like you guy's better :D "They don't need to ketchup" is awesome xD

Answer is: On a roll! :D

"Honor roll" is a scholastic award group xD


....and that's all I got D:

[Vidan]

What do you get when you mix Timon and Rafiki with Michael Jackson? (Don't worry, it's not a racial joke. It might be a "Bad" one though.)

[Guntur]

The blonde and the rooster puzzle.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Could you please come over here
and help me? I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get started." Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." He takes her hand. "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then..." he says with a deep sigh, glancing back at the table, "Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."



I didn't make that one..I just thought it was pretty funny.

God I just read this one, even though it posted 7 years ago and I'm just laughing my *** off. :lol: That was hilarious.

[HasiraKali]

Mine's kind of naughty. Why'd the chicken go to Church's (a fried chicken restaurant)?