Community Advice Thread

[Utora]

Thanks Kiva.

:hugs:

I only get on aim btw, utora.

Thanks for the comment on me avy....I think of, My rump, my rump my rump my rump! when I see it...

:cheese:

[Only-now]

is that supposed to be in tune with that awful "my hump" song? *laughs* It is better your way...but the real song...*sighs*.

Okay about the messenger thing...I don't have AIM on this new comp yet..but if I get it I will add ya.

~Kiva

[Dyani]

Hey people.. *waves* remember me? :p I think I had better post on here just to see if i can clear up, or define problems I have.
I'm currently in University, and have been so for a month now.
- I constantly get *assasin moods* (where you are happy one minute, then for seemingly no apparent reason, you feel very sad or angry and self-distructive).
- I think I'm being selfish most of the time, and that I never think of, or care about others.
- I'm still pulling my hair out / bite myself (last three years, and a pathetic form of self harm).
- I think I deliberatly being emo for attention, not sure if what I feel is for real or whether I'm putting it on for attention.. which is pathetic. I mean heck, I'm posting this crud..
- I have two great new best friends here in Uni who love me to bits, but I feel like I'm burdening them with too much of my emo-ness if I tell them.

Meh, I'm being messed up.. any advice people?

[simbamarasa]

are you talking to any one at your uni? sometimes they have programs for students where you can just talk to someone.

BTW, I am glad to see you back. we missed you around here.

[Dyani]

Well I'm considering emailing annonomusly the Uni Healthline, or whatever its called.. just so that I can get some advice or another persons perspective on the situation.

And thankies ^.^ I've been too busy to breathe here, its been difficult to do anything other than popping in every now and then.

[simbamarasa]

tell me about it. i am taking a full class load plus two seminar series, plus i work in the computer labs. sometimes i am so tired i can hardly think. i hope it's worth it.

but i would seriously consider talking to someone who is not related or associated with you, someone who would be inpartial. it will really help.

[Dyani]

Thanks hun :) thanks your your advice ^_^
And it will definatly be worth it! :kovusmile KEEP WORKING! :p

[simbamarasa]

i will. this is my last year. i am trying to get into a good grad school now, so i can keep writing.

i think you were one of my very first fans, and i don't think i ever thanked you for that. you don't know what a great boost it was to have someone like my art.

[Dyani]

:) Ah, no need to thank me. You can feed me chocolate instead :p Do you have a DA account with non-tlk art on there? I'm surprized you aint a Artist of the Month yet.
Theres a reason why I added you to me favourite artists list, cos your damn brill when it comes to drawing!

(EVERYONE CHECK OUT HER ART BTW!!!!!)

[Utora]

Originally posted by Dyani
Hey people.. *waves* remember me? :p I think I had better post on here just to see if i can clear up, or define problems I have.
I'm currently in University, and have been so for a month now.
- I constantly get *assasin moods* (where you are happy one minute, then for seemingly no apparent reason, you feel very sad or angry and self-distructive).
- I think I'm being selfish most of the time, and that I never think of, or care about others.
- I'm still pulling my hair out / bite myself (last three years, and a pathetic form of self harm).
- I think I deliberatly being emo for attention, not sure if what I feel is for real or whether I'm putting it on for attention.. which is pathetic. I mean heck, I'm posting this crud..
- I have two great new best friends here in Uni who love me to bits, but I feel like I'm burdening them with too much of my emo-ness if I tell them.

Meh, I'm being messed up.. any advice people?


Oh man.

:hugs:

God I say you and I were twins in most parts. I don't pull my hair out or bite myself, but I use to carve Swaztika's into my flesh. Not for the relieving feeling like some cuters do but because I get manic about expressing my Nazism. Like some on and off switch that I'm not controlling I go from happy highs where I feel like I could conquer the world, then I slip down and go back to being a Nazi mainly because it's a comfort zone for me, and I have this mad craving to hurt others, myself, and just watch people suffer. I see people and hear their voices. Hell, they have names, histories, famlies, lives and I've been communicating with them for years now. only recently was I told, "Hey Lex that's not normal."
I usualy cannot maintain good friendships with anyone because of ym uncontrolled changes and it drives me insane. I have a severe panic/anxiety disorder. I am bipolar, borderline Skitz, manic depressive, have ADHD, OCD and stuff they're finding out wih each physc test and blood test. I've gone for the suicide road. I'm on a good level right now. good enough to say I don't want to be a Nazi. I don't want to die. I know what my dreams are and I have a good life ahead. But believe you me, when I fall into my dark hole nobody is going to tell me that and I'm going to get as dark as I want - and this makes me sick.

I'd like to get to know you better Dyani. I think if we suffer at least some of the same things, communicating with eachother may help because of our understanding of the circumstances. You don't know how much I'm sorry for what you go through. I rage every day over my suffering. Seeing others go through it....you have no idea how much I respect you for making it this far.


:hugs: =)

[Ciara]

bite myself

makes me think about the times I used to hurt myself in one or another way. It is probably just some years ago, tho I was still in 10th-11th grade. I don't know how it started but one night I just ended up in my bed with a scissor, and since that day I could continue with cut myself several times a day ... However it was a lot of troubles in my life and family then, and it was before everything with Lea started, when I had no one to talk with beside my bro (and weird therapist at school <.< ...) For a while I hurted myself like 5 times a day ... then it became lesser and lesser to actually stop one day. Or so I thought, I did keep the piece of glass (that I used) away from me for a long time, several months ... But another day I found myself there on the floor with it again, looking for the sharpest side ... Cannot remember now why, but something had apparently happen. I am trying to forget it all, but it's hard, I'm reminded about it every day, 'cause I see my scars so well. And I hate they're there, they're all too visible for others too see, and so many, God, they will be there my whole life too just because I've been stupid once in the time ... >.> Before they used to be red of course and I remember an english class time when my classmate suddenly asked if I had a cat. I was like "uuh, what?" first, but then she actually pointed at all the lines and I quickly said I had a rabbit (which I had before ..) and she just said Okey and started to talk about her cats scratching on her ... That's the only time I had to admitt to myself what I was doing, but then after I just ignored it once again.

But time changes I guess, things have been much better as you maybe know around here by now ... However I'm still kinda scared I might start hurt myself again for something (when I moved from home, I did not take the glass with me, but actually threw it away so I see that as a first step ..). Even if it was such a long time ago now, I know I probably can do it again, since I one time before suddenly did it after such a long time ... everything can be possible. At the moment I think No way it would happen again, and I can imagine myself sit there and really feel the pain ... It just cant happen again, can it? Once I tried to take that piece of glass and put it against my left arm, and I actually tried to just hurt myself to feel how it felt, but I couldn't go longer than so, 'cause just feel the little touch from the glass was painful enough that I dropped it again. And I can be glad about that maybe, but even if I feel the pain by just think about it now, it can probably change if I'm going all depressed again ... I really hope not, but sometimes I'm constantly scared it will turn out like that ... xX
... Also, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say with all this, really, and sorry for maybe going too detailed about it or off-topic, but now when I think about it, I honestly don't think I've been telling some of you (or anyone around me at all) about this. Not that it would matter maybe but ... I don't know, it gives you a whole new side probably and ... Oo Well that's me too, and maybe you have something to say about it, if you felt the same, I don't know ... Please tell me then, or what to do to not make the cutting part happen again. If there's something to do *doubt it*

Oh well, I might delete this later else ... just trying to maybe admitt it all for myself even more, as a second step. *gets like depressed again to just think about it all* Stupid things and brain ... :mad: :growl:

[Azerane]

Ciara, I know some of what you're talking about. I found that writing it all out was very helpful, it gets it off your mind, you can stop thinking about it, and it means you can organise your thoughts as you write it all down. And that's a really good move to make, that you threw the glass away. If it's there but you're not using it, it's kinda like admitting to yourself that you will need it again one day and that it's ok to use it, but it's not, and you shouldn't need it or ever use it.

I still don't understand it myself though, how when you get so depressed... why do you think that doing something like that will make it feel better... it doesn't make any sense... I still can't figure it out for myself, and in the end, it doesn't really make you feel any better, you just feel even more sorry for yourself and dig yourself a deeper hole.

...kinda went off on a little bit of a tangent there... sorry.

[Ciara]

ah well, that's a good question, honestly I don't know why we do like we do ... <.< I really didn't feel better after, more like ... I hated myself and everything and just had to hurt myself for that I deserved it just like you can hurt anyone you hate, and because you're so angry and need to get all that out from you. Apparently it's possible to hate yourself that much ... But then once again I'm trying to forget it <.< And I know I have to learn with see what I have done for every day, maybe I can just start ignore it some day. But still, even if I now have stop with it, which I hope, I can just take anything else that is sharp enough if I start feel down again ... It's so simply to find everywhere, but as I feel now I will never do it again, and my life now is much better than it has ever been. So that feels kinda safe ...

[Tiikeri]

Just a quickie, how can I tell someone I love them if I don't think they love me back? I mean obviously I can be upfront and tell them, but it would be all embarassing if she said "well thanks but I don't feel the same about you" I mean I've heard that things like that can end friendships because of the awkwardness that followed :E So how can I tell her?

[Dyani]

Originally posted by Tiikeri
Just a quickie, how can I tell someone I love them if I don't think they love me back? I mean obviously I can be upfront and tell them, but it would be all embarassing if she said "well thanks but I don't feel the same about you" I mean I've heard that things like that can end friendships because of the awkwardness that followed :E So how can I tell her?

From my experience, for one thing take a good hard long look at what you feel for her. Is it love or simply a deep crush?
If, what you feel is deep enough to make you desperate to be closer to her, going about it can be simple, just terrifiying. Use simple body language. When everyone is relaxed, like if you are watching a movie or something, move your hand onto hers. Do not take it away, just see how she respons.

A sneaky but highly effective way of getting to know if this gal likes ya, is poking a friend of hers and yours. See if she has spilled anything to her friend about you, its a good way of negociating the next move.

I agree, random promclamations of adoration are daunting to a gal, especially if she only sees you as a friend. But that doesn't mean she won't look at you in a different light after that, considering the idea. In my experince though, it hasn't destroyed relationships. Its actually strengthened them.

[Tiikeri]

I think it's just a deep crush but I'm unsure. I guess I could ask someone, that's always worth a shot. Thanks fo' th'advice :]

[Utora]

Well KLtL's parents found out about our relationship. I'm just abotu done. He gave me a choice handed down from his mother.

end our relationship for forever.

or...my personal favorite

Stay with him // he looses the computer, msn and everything.

Lovely daily burdens. I'm already sick out of my mind. Chris, he's the only one srtopping me from pulling the trigger and blasting me blinking brains out. I smiled for the first time and woke to that message. Thus life has prooven..**** happens. the world, is ****. Life...is useless. We are all eitgher useless lab expieirments gone wrong, or simply put...useless beings clawing for a better life or maybe a mix of each and a shot of vodka.

I told him I am done. He keeps his life ..his computer world and friends he knows. I'm sure..well I don't know if my *** is worth his tears ..I don't know if he cries. Maybe he does.

I love you so much chris, god damn it.

But being cut off from your words and advice and guidance and love and care....no one else gave it to me like you. No one could make me possibly smile like you. You ghave hope, life, breath, ..my waking days filled with sunshine even when it was raining because I had you.

I give up. Life has one. Survival of the fittest and I'm not fit. So goodbye Lea....the few I knew well and the many I knew little. Goodbye to friends, and anyone from family that stalks me still to see this...goodbye. I write this already wasted on 29 extra pills of geodun. Death it cold abut ....getting there is like wanting to sleep for a moment. Your hands tingle and your breath falls short and ...I don't know if your heart hurts. It hurts so much already, I wouldn't know for certain so i won't lie to any of you.

I'm sad I didn't..give it the 900th try and pick it up again. I cry because I won't see some good faces, ever. But..I'll go and if there is a heaven I pray suiffering is short and painless there...breif pain at least..compared to the hell we walk each day.

I think my most lost goal was....a true, real life, and to fly. Oh god, to fly would have made me cry with joy. But I think..if my father is right...I can fly in heaven, and feel life there too. I can get what I yearend for so dearly in heaven....oh why am I waiting!? Why dio we wait? Why do we sit here in death? Why not go....and just be...

free.

[Stormfury]

Utora, please tell me you did not take 29 extra pills of a prescription drug.. If anyone knows her locale; please call the police, NOW!!

:(

[lion_roog]

Utora, i hope you didn't do anything harmful to yourself...Clear thinking can be blurred with intense emotions of the current situations we face, and it's in those times that people may make decisions they may not be able to come back from.

I'll pray for you.

[Kovu The Lion]

Utora.. Think critically before you act upon such things as this.. This is NOT the way you should turn to before thinking over what you want to do, overdosing on things is not what you want to do because of something that happens, I?m pretty much speechless upon the fact that it is my fault that this is happening, please don?t make it harder on yourself from what it seems to you. I don?t know what?s going on in your life much but I tried to understand. My parents tried to understand, they accepted the fact that I was bisexual but never, would they accept the fact that I was infact mates with a Nazi, Neo-Nazi or potential threat (NOT WHAT I think Mind you.. Something my mother stated).

I don?t know pretty much what to say.. But if you?re still alive.. Please, I beg of you to let me talk to you and get things straight, Don?t do this to yourself Utora.. Please

Much love,

Kovu

[Noodle]

I'm really depressed. I'd appreatiate if someone added me to MSN (noodlecub@hotmail.com) and helped me / speak some sense to me.

I feel like I'm going to do something very stupid.

[Kovu The Lion]

Noodle, I will add you when I get home but if you wouldn?t mind.. Please tell me what?s going on Via PM so I can possibly think of a good CoA *Hugs tight* Everything will be just fine, Don?t do anything you wouldn?t regret!

Thanks a bunch girl, Hang in there!

[Only-now]

I added you Noodle, incase you want to talk and all.

Utora,

Well...we talked about this on MSN the night it happened. I am not sure what to say to cure your feelings of hopelessness that come after a break up. I have gone through the same thing...and I still feel it now. I am not with someone that I still love...very much. I still think about them everyday and wish they cared for me the same way again...but they are not open to me anymore...just as you are being cut off from KTL.

Although this is such a bad situation to be in..it is one that almost every human being on the planet goes through. Everyone loses someone they love...and still loves them even though that person doesn't feel the same. Everyone must give up someone they don't feel the same for..even though it hurts the other person so much. We all go through this...and it is nothing that you can't get through..it is nothing to end your life over.

Many a time it is easy to think "I will never find someone who loves me the same again"...but logically that isn't true. There are BILLIONS of people in the world to meet...and there is always the possibility that you will have this person again. Look at the positive side...did he want to break up with you because he didn't feel the same? No. So you know he still loves you and you love him. Is he still your friend? Yes. Can you still communitcate with him to some extent? Yes. Is there a possibility that one day you may be able to be with him, and to talk to him freely again? Yes!

Why would you want to give all this up, as if you are certain none of it will happen? You say you lost hope because of it...but you are taking it away from yourself. There is still very much a chance that you will find someone new...or you will find him again. If he made you so happy..do you really want to give the chance to feel that again up? I wouldn't think so...and since no one can be sure of the afterlife..this is all we have. The feeling of love is one and only...and we only have one life to experience it. I say that you take full advantage of it.

*hugs and nuzzles*

~Kiva

[Guntur]

I need advice, It's nearly 7 o clock in the morning and I can't sleep. Should I take medication or any alternative (beside counting sheeps)?

[Ciara]

I couldn't sleep some days ago so I was awake in bed between 2 and 5am until I turned on my mp3 and listened to Nightwish for a while until I suddenly woke up by a song and turned it off and went back to sleep again immediately xD

[nathalie]

Yeah, try listening to some music, or watch TV?

Watching TV does the trick for me always, hehe.

[Ciara]

TV isn't good I've heard, it makes your eyes trick your mind Oo Music aint good either so it doesn't matter xD Actually you should just take a glass of water, walk around a little in the dark and return easy to a cold bed .. :p

[Guntur]

Well Medicine always a good trick :cheese: but might as well take my life too...

[nathalie]

Never heard about that TV thing not being good.

It works for me, in a way, that having to focus on the TV makes my eyes heavy so they just close faster, lol.

[Ciara]

yea, true, but science peeps has so many reasons and solutions for everything xP Different from peep to peep, I mean, I fall asleep easy to music and not when it's silent like when I was younger xD

[Guntur]

I should see a doctor, I think I have a mental problem.

[Utora]

From the first post I'd assume you were like me, an insomniac. I take tranqs for that. Speaking of which, I just woke up and they are in my system and i feel like yoy and playdough XDDD

Ahem. ((licks wolf paws.)) In other news.

If you believe you have a mental problem that shows you are not insane but, you want help which is more healthy than you may know. However - seeing a doctor can be good and bad. You want to see a full fledged physchyatrist, NOT aninturn. Oy vay. I saw an inturn and she had to dump me after we got so close because inturns cannot prescribe pills. The full fledged physchyatrist can give you pills, and now I'm happily on lexapro and geodun to calm me issues. Might I also remind you, that pills and doctors will not save you alone comrade. No no. You must be willing yourself to want change and accept the change. This is my issue. I love my problems and know them best and am very comfortable in my sick state. I'm afraid to move on in life. So if you want help Nix, you must truly W A N T IT. Docotrs can help you with that issue too. to a degree. They cannot force your own self will against you. Go to a family doctor first. Get your bloodwork done and ask them for a physchyatrist and they should give you the best. And since you will have your bloodwork one when you see your physchyatrist, you can get right to work. I had to wait for a while because I had to go back and get my bloodwork done. Bleh. Oh yes and, you may want both an inturn AND full fledged physchyatrist. Why? The full fledged only rally spends time to see how the pills are working,spends about 25 mins with you, if you're lucky, and sees you every two to three weeks, and sometimes even a month. I don't like that. An inturn will see you every week for a full hour and literally get into your life. So you need both. One that sees you every week and is like a personal friend, and one that sees you sparatically and gives you the proper medicine you need. One of them alone doesn't get you anywhere.

;)

Now, if you'd ever like to talk Nix, I'm on msn about every day. Or we can talk in MSGS. I'd be willing to help you with everything. I know all too well what it feels like. Six years ago, I said the very same thing you did.


I should see a doctor, I think I have a mental problem.

My parents denied me doctors. My parents did not think my issues of any note worthy enough for attention in the medical field. Sadly, six years ago ALL my disorders were fresh and young. Now they are so HUGE, so far GONE, that I need SERIOUS HELP. Not getting help Nix, can do serious damage. I assure you. God what I'd give to go back 6 years ago and really see a doctor.

God Bless comrade.

[Kovu The Lion]

Originally posted by Phoenix
I should see a doctor, I think I have a mental problem.

Not all Mental problems are doctor related, meaning you don't have to go see one..

It depends on which one you think it is, and how you take it.

It can be a blessing, or it can be a curse :x

However if you think you need someone to talk to, I'd be willing to listen: Fatcatgoeswest@hotmail.com = MSN

or Msg me at Kovu The Lion on here (Duh)

All the best

Kovu

[Ciara]

I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow again for my foot *ouch* xX

[Stormfury]

Originally posted by ?nathalie?
Never heard about that TV thing not being good.

It works for me, in a way, that having to focus on the TV makes my eyes heavy so they just close faster, lol.

That's not terribly uncommon. The television is a good stimuli for the human mind. A feeling of great comfort, it is...

[Dyani]

^ Just don;t become a couch potato ;) D'OH!!

[Utora]

I NEED HELP.
This is the cry of a dying soul. Not physically...emotionally. I"m dying and I'm afraid. In a heated argument from my father these are our words,

You never understood me and my Nazism Dad. I am the greater of two soliders because I can better conrol my anger than you, you who strikes me down when you rage and provokes me onto and battle, and I who remain unwavered by your beatings.

Good lex. You're one step closer to being a Nazi. That's just how they felt. In control when everything else was failing.

It's normal for my dad to taunt me against myself, but these past few nights, I haven't been normal. I'm very cold, sadistic, angry and just don't care. Where am I going? I keep trying to change, and when I look up, I'm twice as worse as when I started begging for help.

It is two years before I leave this home, but each day the abuse grows worse. Days where a table is lifted at me, I'm back handed, lunged at to be beaten and I just miss death in my father's frenzy. He is now hurting my brother. Talking my feelings out to my father only provokes him. I will be respectable, obediant, perfect in his eye but he always tries to rage me onward. Now he hurts another member and I will not stand and idly watch it happen. I'm afraid it will lead to a cold war. A war where in the end I kill my father in defense and go to jail, muting my life. Or a war where he kills my mother...or one of us in a frenzy. No one seems to believe me - he does love us. But when he gets this locked up in a rage ....the man is ballistic. I know what a frenzy is like..and I have learned to tame mine. This man is savage. I do not want to physically go against him. I love him too much. I also fear a whooping. But if it comes to harming another...I will not restrain myself in my acts of violence.

My mother says He's been like this for 30 years he's not coming after you lex. It's ok.

No. I see it in his eye when he rages.

My btoehr and I were being loud at the table, probably obnoxious in my fathers eyes. Instead of saying, Guys knock it off. he stands by the sink with the pizza knife he just used to cut our pizza and washes it off. Then he says, Wanna see how well I throw an axe?

This is why I don't eat. I feel likle I'm in a prison camp crawling to get out. He uses fear by weapons and force to silence us. I cannot get close to him or he will hurt me. I can't be real with him because he verbally abuses me and if I try to defend myself, the right way, he comes after me. I can't stand this muting process, where I sit all day quiety. I'm going mad and all I want is for someone to tell me I"m not crazy. I am like an animal now...behaving on instinct. If I'm quiet, like a robot, or...like I'm dead..everyone is happy and smiling. If I open my mouth, it turns into a rage fest within seconds.

My Nazism is an issue. I clung to it because it was a jacket to wear when I was angry, but now it's blinding everything. Now I want it all, and I'm a step closer every day. And when I say, Dad I know it's not right...help me please..?...he ignores me. Then calls me filth, trash, Nazi waste.

I can't heal if I wanted too. My doctor doesn't understand and I'm going crazy! Watch this post be read and ignored for a week and when somebody finaly adresses it it'll be useless. I need help NOW. I need ADVICE. I can't run. no family member can take me in. Police? Nein! They would lock him up for a little bit. You think he's mad now? Watch him after a week in a cage. My mom won't divorce - finances. All other siblings in truth ignore me because they were treated the same but on a weaker scale because there were soo many of them, my father had multiple targets. Now it's just me, and my younger brother, but mainly me because I"m 16....coming into my own. My mom hides, in the basement, all the time. Has been for 15 years. I cry every day and then sit in silence, not eating, thinking aloud, sharing my joys or happiness because they are muted. It's a living war every second....and silence is how you play...but even then comrades..the enemy grabs you in the dark and throttles you in your sleep! I'm turning into an animal...and I hate it. How far gone will I be, before it's too late. Someone with wisdom..answer me. Answer me soon. Because every second there is a chance for darkness to jump on my back and stab me through the chest.....eevery second we are appraoching a darker hour to his final collapse which in turn...results madness...bloodshed....death. Help.....me......please

[Stormfury]

Utora, it appears you're the strongest person in your family. You will have to make the decision to either stop his abuse legally, or let him continue his destructive behavior amongst the family. I loathe people whom abuse women and children, mentally or physically ... It's a crime; and it must be stopped!

You must report him...

[lion_roog]

I agree with Sonique...if he's abusing you and your brother then you must report it. It will be hard and it will be scary for you and or your brother, but you have to do the right thing. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for defending yourself and your brother. If they try to lay any sort of guilt on you, you tell them straight up "My brother and I were the ones being abused, I have no reason to feel ashamed for doing what I felt I needed to do in order to protect us from his abuse". Abuse is about power, don't get trapped in the game because there's no way out if you let it happen. You and your brother deserve to live in a peaceful household where proper discipline is enforced and you feel safe from physical and emotional harm.

[Utora]

Yes well where does that go? Court? Jail? For how long? When he gets out, I'll wake up with my throat slit. My mom told him they were going to divorce and he said "I'm going to KILL Alexis!" So she decided not too. This is a crafty war. I sleep with a knife and baracade my door, only get to eat at work, walk in silence looking over my shoulder.

I think..I'm letting him get close. I'm going to let him beat the living **** out of me, and turn me into a pulp. Just barely by death. Then...I'll report him. If I'm alive. Then everyone will KNOW he's insane. I won't be blamed or commited for mutinity against my father. I'll let the swine into my areana and win. But if he touches anyone else I'll knife him.

[Raruka]

Utora...you deserve better than this, and you know it! :hugs: I also think you need to report him, you and your brother need to live in a place where you can be free, happy, and at peace. Hang in there, pal. I'm here if you need me.

[Daniel]

you really can't live like this Alexis...

you need to do something

[Utora]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh lordy lordy lordy...well aren't we all full of **** tonight?

I walk in. Phone call from mom.

Lex? Hi this is mom. Me and you're father are out. We went to dinner and a movie. We're staying at a hotel tonight together. Ben's spending the night at a friends."

Mind games.....

[Daniel]

what a manipulative bastard...

(sorry, but...... blah)

[Utora]

Well I"m scared..to death ..I'm weeping my eyes out and hiding in a corner with all the sodding lights on and the doors locked, begging to God for help. My biggest fear...my biggest proboem..is loneliness.....and abandonment and I can't handle this I need somebody here in this house...I need someone so when i see the pople and hear the voices I can tell they're fake because they're someone real to balance it out but now it's all a blurr and i'm fightened and i'm lonesome and everyones away and won't talk to me because i;'m so nutjob out of the bin.....i just want peace..i want so much..i'm so tired...

[Stormfury]

Originally posted by Utora
Yes well where does that go? Court? Jail? For how long? When he gets out, I'll wake up with my throat slit. My mom told him they were going to divorce and he said "I'm going to KILL Alexis!" So she decided not too. This is a crafty war. I sleep with a knife and baracade my door, only get to eat at work, walk in silence looking over my shoulder.

I think..I'm letting him get close. I'm going to let him beat the living **** out of me, and turn me into a pulp. Just barely by death. Then...I'll report him. If I'm alive. Then everyone will KNOW he's insane. I won't be blamed or commited for mutinity against my father. I'll let the swine into my areana and win. But if he touches anyone else I'll knife him.

Unfortunately, he wouldn't go to jail at all if your mom doesn't step in and/or there's a clear signal of abuse... Mental cruelty can impose fines and physical abuse, you can serve jail time of over 5 years in most states. Given the severity, I would contact the Department of Social Services. You cannot let mental games run ramped; and a charade of abuse continually. Stop him.

[Guntur]

Aww, sorry about that Utora. Mental abuse is a big issues then pyshical abuse.

Well my current problem is, I fail my first semester exam and I have to re-take my first semester and I gotta pay all over again. I'm in the big fight with my father for let me stay in the college and I.... win, but if I fail again for the test I gotta work without experiance and left behind without diploma and degree. Well I escape my father wrath and here's the real problem...... Money @ Finance, Well I'm not a very rich guy can cover up all 600 USD or 18,000 MYR, and best to avoid loan so I won't pay back the money while I work later. My emotional and my mental is quite unstable when I think about it. My sleeping pattern and my appetite is kinda.. bumpy.

Well that's my current problem I need some advice to my foreign friend and what should I do.

[Only-now]

Well...on your previous problem I would say that really the only thing for you to do is to report this to someone with authority. If there really is a problem (which there is) you CAN get help that way. That is what those people are for....that is there job, and they too know what to look for. It might seem bleak..but that is your best chance to solve anything. If YOU really want things better..then build up the courage and go through with it.

I understand how you feel with losing someone you love. That doesn't mean it is supposed to hurt less because lots of people feel it...but it means that I do understand your emotional state on it. I know what it feels like when they get someone new and it feels like it is too soon (though in this case I even argued with KtL about it..as well as him lying to me multiple times for absolutely no reason). My best advice here is to either accept that he will just be a friend and do your best....or (what seems to be the case) accept that things have changed..you can't get along and that you need to go in seperate directions. It might be hard...but staying around one another and clinging to things in the past that influence the future wont make things better for either of you.

I can't say I trust him..but it is his problem with how he goes about relationships and why he gets into them. Learn from this situation and recognize it if it happens again. I guess you can only hope that he does the same thing when he goes through the pain of losing someone he loves, or making a mistake and such himself (if he hasnt already done one or both).

If you need any help I am on MSN and all. Plus..we can talk tomorrow if you would like. I am home from work and all. *hugs* Hope this helped...and I hope something brightens up in your world soon.

~Kiva

[LunarCat]

Two wrongs do not make a right.

(was directed at anyone and everyone)

[This Land]

i dont want to sound like the admin or anything, but correct me if im wrong

This is community advice, not communtity arguments.

posting problems is fine but it seems to me that a arguement is un-earthing here. May a suggest this carries on in pm?

Just my opinion

[Kovu The Lion]

Originally posted by This land
i dont want to sound like the admin or anything, but correct me if im wrong

This is community advice, not communtity arguments.

posting problems is fine but it seems to me that a arguement is un-earthing here. May a suggest this carries on in pm?

Just my opinion

You're quite right,

:) Sorry Lea, :]

Not much I'll say anymore in my defense to what Utora says,

Just leave this thought to you lea,

Belive the lier, Or walk in the light.

Kovu

[Nephilim]

ITT: INTERNET DRAMA.

Please to be remembering the rules of this board, the fact that we would like to be keeping something around a PG rating. So quit the talking of sending nude pictures and yiffing. In fact, stop talking altogether. This is for advice, not angsting your broken little hearts out; save that for MSN, phones, whatever. Somewhere personal.

[Only-now]

I would have to agree with Neph on the argument part and such...and to point out that it isn't very good for either of you to try and make the other look bad in public. Everyone has their issues...if you need help that's fine (which I tried to give before) but...the argument part should be between you two personally.

~Kiva

[Dyani]

In other words, stop whinging to us when you can solve the damn problem (or not) between yourselves.

Have a nice day :cheese:

[Utora]

Dyani and Kiva that was completely useless. Neph took care of it and I made a mistake brining my arguments here. I see that..I don't need 8000 people telling me and I'm sorry Neph and everyone else.



We're human for Christ's sake. I'm sorry I brought it here. The. End.

[nathalie]

Next time, just keep personal stuff like that off the board.
I doubt it'll do anyone good.
(*edit* some things are just way to personal to put out in the open like that!)

I'm not really interested in what kind of pictures you gave someone else (in this case, the ones you mention) and all that stuff, 'cause it's your business and not mine.

I can imagine what a rough time you must have been through/going through, but even in times like those someone really must try and think twice before putting stuff like that on a public forum.

[Suki]

I don't even know why I'm posting this but:

Has anyone seen ChildOfThePride lately? last thing she told me was, "don't freak out, but I won't be online for a while....." I know, it's probably school or something, but she sent me that on Nov 30 of last year. I haven't seen or talked to her since. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I still keep looking her up on Google for anything she's joined or posted or whatever. So....yeah.

[Dyani]

I haven't seen her for a bit. She may have left for a bit because she was p*ssed off at some topic or something. She wasn't banned or anything. She may be moving or something similar, something major that would stop her from visiting Lea. Have you seen her at all visit Lea?

I just have a suggestion for the ATTN thread. Should we move it into The Shadowy Place? Sometimes controversial topics or sensitive issues concerning one of our members come up. Moving this thread into TSP would emphasise caution when reading the topics and concerns raised. What do people, and especially Mods, think about this?

[Stormfury]

Originally posted by Dyani
I just have a suggestion for the ATTN thread. Should we move it into The Shadowy Place? Sometimes controversial topics or sensitive issues concerning one of our members come up. Moving this thread into TSP would emphasise caution when reading the topics and concerns raised. What do people, and especially Mods, think about this?

The Shadowy Place is for debate and Commons. This thread is for emotional support; you can't diversify the two. Scar's Lair seems to be the most logistical forum at this time.

[Pnt]

I hit some pretty rough times. I dunno guys, I really screwed some stuff up; definitely makes my list of top three regrets in life. I'm not one to get worked up too easily anymore, but I got really hot headed and said and did some things that I really wish I hadn't. I've apologized dozens of times but no one around me wants anything to do with me anymore. The worst part is that I'm completely to blame and there's not a damn thing I can say or do to turn this one around. Guess it's one of those Don't-know-what-you-got-till-it's-gone sorta things, but damn, I dunno what to do now. I guess I feel a bit a bit angry too. I mean, all my friends know that I'll never ask for more than an apology if someone wrongs me, and every single one of them have experienced that at least once with me, but when I screw up, I can't even get the benefit of a doubt. It just feels wrong, ya know? I know an internet forum isn't the best place for support, I don't think I'm looking for advice, but I don't know what I'm looking for and a lot of you guys are my friends. I guess it'll be a lesson in life if nothing else, but I gotta say, some of these lessons really suck.

[lion_roog]

Sorry to hear that, man. I guess everyone forgives people at different speeds...and some people hold grudges for a while. Maybe if you give them more time they'll be able to move on and forgive you.

[Stormfury]

Originally posted by Pnt
I hit some pretty rough times. I dunno guys, I really screwed some stuff up; definitely makes my list of top three regrets in life. I know an internet forum isn't the best place for support, I don't think I'm looking for advice, but I don't know what I'm looking for and a lot of you guys are my friends. I guess it'll be a lesson in life if nothing else, but I gotta say, some of these lessons really suck.

Sometimes in life you have to take the high roads, and sometimes you have to take the low ones. Of course, all roads lead to nirvana or a road divine. Lessons can be taught; but they're even harder to learn. The only thing you should regret in life is regret itself; not anything else. Some astrologers believe that we're guided by a star; perhaps by Fate. Or our own accord. We can make plots and points throughout the galaxy. One thing is for sure, you're not alone on your journey.

[Only-now]

Well...I never ask for advice from you all....at least I haven't yet...but I do have something to talk about and see what people think. I will probably have a hard time describing it all..but I will give it my best shot.

Well...as some people know...I used to date someone from the TLK fandom. We broke up a while back...were together for 7 months...met each other 3 times, once for a month straight etc. We were friends for a long while before we were ever together...a year and something or close to 2 years. Well...we broke up for various reasons..she broke up with me I mean.

It took a while, but I adjusted and we still talk. We still both wanted to be friends, and for a while things got better. Then she got a new boyfriend..they got worse..then better again. Then they broke up...and we are still friends. We went through some rough patches. I had some issues with the way she was treating me....much different than how it was before we were together. She didn't treat me like a friend really...didn't say much to me, didn't laugh as much....etc. It is more complex than that..but we kinda had a fight, and got over it..and my perspective on things changed. She told me, she thinks she has been acting this way because she still thinks about me the way she did when we broke up. The reasons she broke up with me are still there...and so she doesnt want to be close much etc. Anyways...I accpeted that..and I learned to change myself and focus on being just friends and sort of drop the lost hopes and all that.

So..I have been doing my best now. I try to keep my thoughts about everything to myself..including what I am about to talk about here. After all the talks...it is better to not involve her in knowing what I really feel..though I would love to tell her it is simply not an option. Me telling her bothers her...stirs up trouble etc. So...I have been trying. Well..it was working fine...but the more time goes by...I don't know if submitting to the circumstances was such a good idea. Before...I was so ready to fight for our relationship to get better..I strived for it..and wanted us to be like we were before. Afterwards...I gave that up in hopes time would heal this. The more time goes by...the more it feels like it won't get better....that by just accepting what I have will allow it to stay where it is. She doesn't have any motivation to change things...she won't ever get closer to me...we won't ever be friends like we were...or even close. Sometimes it seems so bleak..other times it seems brighter....but idk what to do about it. I can't talk to her about it..because it has all been said I feel it would make things worse...but it also feels like no way I act, if I am myself, no efforts I make ever changes anything. It seems like no matter what I do...I can never succeed in making things better...only worse..when I have no intentions of that. I always seem to come across in a negative way that bothers her.

For instance..today, we were talking on the phone after about 2 weeks of not doing so. Well...she seemed like she was feeling alright..so we talked...but I felt more like I was doing all the talking. She didn't say much..but she wasn't in a bad mood or anything. So...we got on the topic of drinking....she has never done it and I haven't and we both were against doing it (before it is legal etc). So...I am used to that being common ground..and being secure in knowing she wouldnt do that. After everything that has happened and us not being as close...I don't feel so sure...so I asked if she was planning on drinking at all at this party she is going to and she said no. So we kept talking about stuff like that..and then she said something like "You know even if someone were to drink and be breaking the law, there is a difference between doing it responsibly and getting fully drunk". Now...I didn't know if she meant that like what it really means...of if it was a pacifying statement. As in...she knows I don't like drinking..and she has had the same view...but she is going to drink so she is trying to seperate herself from the extreme people to make it seem alright. I feel bad thinking that...but the way we have been I wasn't so sure...so I asked and explained and she said she wasn't going to drink...but she was bothered clearly. I never intend to come off like a parent...or bother her. I care about my friends...but it seems like since she doesnt feel so close to me...and it doesn't seem like it is improving...I feel like I have to ask because I get worried. So..then she gets bothered..and it makes me feel like I am just making things worse...but the state of things is what makes me worry in the first place. I am just really confused. We used to be so close...and I want to be again. If it takes time, I have time....but I want to see an improvement. I want to know it is working...to know she still cares and wants it..and all that. I am just so confused. I know it is hard to make things like this work after relationships..but I want this to work. I haven't changed...I am still the person she got along with so well before...but it seems like she just doesn't see me the same and can't...and it is hard to deal with. Any ideas? (sorry for the length)

~Kiva

[Stormfury]

^Well... it's good you stick to your guns; alcohol... you don't consume it, it consumes you... 'neways, you may be i n something, you can't get back again. From what I can tell, you have some conflicting interests that probably can be set aside. But it doesn't always work that way. You have to get the root of the problem, together; if you per say want a relationship with someone again, both have to be willing. Women are extremely complicated, and men by comparison are mere simpletons. If you really want something to work out; you have to be open and honest, if not.. it won't work out!

You have my sincerity, my friend.

[LunarCat]

Originally posted by Pnt
I hit some pretty rough times. I dunno guys, I really screwed some stuff up; definitely makes my list of top three regrets in life. I'm not one to get worked up too easily anymore, but I got really hot headed and said and did some things that I really wish I hadn't. I've apologized dozens of times but no one around me wants anything to do with me anymore. The worst part is that I'm completely to blame and there's not a damn thing I can say or do to turn this one around. Guess it's one of those Don't-know-what-you-got-till-it's-gone sorta things, but damn, I dunno what to do now. I guess I feel a bit a bit angry too. I mean, all my friends know that I'll never ask for more than an apology if someone wrongs me, and every single one of them have experienced that at least once with me, but when I screw up, I can't even get the benefit of a doubt. It just feels wrong, ya know? I know an internet forum isn't the best place for support, I don't think I'm looking for advice, but I don't know what I'm looking for and a lot of you guys are my friends. I guess it'll be a lesson in life if nothing else, but I gotta say, some of these lessons really suck.


You're gonna have a tough time, i won't deny that. I think the only solution now is a little change and time. :hugs: if ya want to vent shoot me an e-mail. you know i'm always around to listen

[Azerane]

@Kiva: I honestly don't know what to say or to suggest. Though it does seem like you're having a bit of a hard time with it and I'm sorry for that. Maybe it won't ever be the same, and maybe it just needs more time. But in a situation like this, I don't think you'll know unless the issue resolves or unless you just ask her straight out how she feels about your friendship and all that. I do think that's probably the best idea, ask her about it. I'm sorry I'm not much help, that's all I can think of ... :hugs: best of luck though.

[Only-now]

Thanks guys....I'm just going to give it time, but if anyone has any other suggestions or has been in the same situation then that might help. I don't necessariy want her back...since I have accepted that it wouldn't work and we are past that...but I would really like to feel like friends again....the type of friendship where you don't have to wonder if you are really friends...where you just are and know it. That's how it used to be, but now it seems a bit different. I hope something improves soon....because friendship is a two way street.

~Kiva

[Juniper]

Hey guys, I made a similar post on the Majilisi; just figured I'd let you know what was up. My mom was recently diagnosed with multiple myeloma, which is a cancer of the plasma cells in her bone marrow. As far as cancers go, it's not a very good one to have. The doctor said that her initial prognosis is very poor and I don't think it's right for me to be spending much time on the internet when my mother is as sick as she is. So yeah, I'm gonna be on even less often than I already am. It sucks, but we can't go back and make things different now, so we just gotta make do with the time we've got, keep looking at the bright side, and cross each bridge as we get to it, ya know? I'll be sure to check in periodically and let you guys know how things are going.

[Stormfury]

Sorry for this cancer your mom has; I hope she has reviewed any / all treatment/curacion options. I can't stress enough how sick she may get, and I'll pray for her recovery.

:hugs:

[Dyani]

I can symapthise with you Pnt. My boyfriend's father has been recently diagnosed with three cancers, one in his neck, ribs and spine. He is not expected to last 6 months.

I wish your mum luck with overcoming cancer and, like Elliot said, is looking at all the options available to her. Experimental treatment might also be an option. I hope she will recover this, cancer is a buggeration of a disease. :hugs:

[Dyani]

Sorry for the double posting people, but I feel I need to broadcast something. :curious:

As I mentioned in the above post, my boyfriends father is not well. He is actually currently in a hospice with pnemonia as well as the cancers. My boyfriend is not fantastic either and neither am I. I may well not post here as frequently as I did and if I do, I do apologise if I seem distracted or angry. We're going through a rough time anyway.

Thanks Lea members.

:love:

[Juniper]

I hope things work out, Dyani. Your boyfriend's family, and you, have my sympathy and prayers. Thanks for the concern for my mother as well, I appreciate it :)

Thank you too, Sonique :hugs:

I hate to say it, but we've only had bad news since we found out my mom was sick. The doctor said she isn't responding well to any of her treatments and he's moved her up to Stage III Multiple Myeloma. We're looking around for alternative treatments and she'll be involved in a few clinical trials for drugs or treatments that are in their final stages of developement. We may be moving quite a ways away as we pursue different treatments.

[Tiikeri]

Sorry to hear that Pnt :hugs:

I have a dilemma of my own mm'kay. Y'see, I want this job at Bristol airport which is about 200 miles from where I currently live, I had the interview today and I find out on Wednesday if I got it or not. Thing is though, I was gonna stay with a friend of mine during that time, only to find that the contract on his house runs out at the end of August, and my contract at the airport would run until the end of autumn. This would therefore leave me high and dry 200 miles from home with a job and no accommodation if my friend isn't able to renew or get another contract before then. So should I take the job and hope for the best or turn it down and sign on? For those who don't know, to sign on means to register at the job centre.

I'm just unsure, I mean I want to stay at home because it's cheaper but at the same time I really want this job, but I can't run the risk of losing my accommodation half way through my contract at the airport. Because I'd have to quit half way and go back home, something which I simply cannot do.

So what do y'all think?

[Azerane]

In my opinion, if you're really looking foward to this job and it's something you really want to do, then take it. If your friend is living there, then surely he'll have to either renew the contract on the house or find some other place to live there. And I'm sure if you were there you both could work something out with that and help each other with either renewing the contract or finding another place to live.

[Stormfury]

Tiikeri, if you already have a current and stable job I would stay where you are at... what you describe is a risk taker... but sometimes in life to get what you want you have to take those heightened risks. However given the setup; the means outweigh the ends... personally I'd stay right where I am, until a restore of assurance was fully established ...

[Utora]

I've got a real problem. All my life, I've wanted to do two major things with my life. Learn foreign languages [[many of them]] and fly.

I've been working and have like 900 USD right now towards my private pilot's license. I'm taking German and plan to further both these things in college. It's what my heart and mind have been set on for so long now, it's like my purpose I feel.

My doctor today in therapy told me I'll always be on some form of Bipolar medication that limits "the spread of my wings" basically.

In order to get a private pilots license, I have to do like three to five night solos across country. My doctor says I"ll never be able to stay up all night because it'll upset my Bipolar; that and I could probably not fly a plane on the drugs I'm taking.

[[long sigh]] So I said "Well..then..I guess I could just do foreign languages." and he says "How?" and I felt shocked like, ..dude this is therapy could you please contribute a bit a of optimism in here?

He's like "You are 2 years behind in basic schooling right now..how do you think you're going to accomplish learning another language?"

I'm kinda...just so depressed right now..a part of it I can't control because of my disorder ..so he says...the rest is because I feel like..I'm never going to do anything I really want.

The medical insurance I'm on right now is being taken care of by the Navy, from my father's service time. If I'm not in college by 19, or 21..[can't remember] and if I don't do at least 4 years of college before I'm like 23 years of age, they'll drop me. So..I'd have to find another medical insurance...right now my medication costs like 9USD...because of the navy insurance. LOL...without insurance it's like 654 USD. Makes me sick. I feel stuck...and panicked.

I'm diligently picking up my schoolwork and doing the best I can at every day. I break down and cry because I can't cope with this. I'm sure a lot of other people got it way worse..and I'm probably coming off as an arrogant and selfish person.

Nobody has advice. My doctor..well..he advises I just get my schoolwork done and go from there. I can't even drive yet..I have no idea...I don't even want to drive but I know I'll have to eventually to even live.

Any advice, any words of wisdom or just ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks lea.

:hugs:

[Sadiki]

about learning a language, any one can do it if they really want to. You just gotta start from basics, practise grammer and take it easy. by learning 10 words a day you will be able to learn 3650 words a year which is quite decent vocabulary right there especially after one year of study. So my advice for you is to get a grammer book of t the language you want to learn and compair it on your first language. I don't know how good you are at the grammer in basic but even better you are it even faster you will undestand the grammer in other languages.
I'm studing swedish right now because I have to and I'm not really motivated to do so. But still in past year I have started slowly understand some of the basics and learned how the grammer works. So I wouldn't listen your doctor but at least give it a try.

( You probably want to learn russian sinse I think you are fasinated by the country, so the first part is to learn the alphabets, but to cheer you up, I can tell that my friend learned decent russian in 2 years and started in age of 18 )

Best of the luck with both of your dreams :hugs:

[Tiikeri]

Originally posted by SimbaTheMighty
about learning a language, any one can do it if they really want to. You just gotta start from basics, practise grammer and take it easy. by learning 10 words a day you will be able to learn 3650 words a year which is quite decent vocabulary right there especially after one year of study.
Problem is though with something like that, you're only learning the words, not the grammar associated with them. Like with me and Finnish. I learnt that the word bed is "s?nky" but to say "my bed" is "s?ngystani" (I think), so to learn all the words with their correct grammar would take a LOT longer since you'd have to learn stuff like "my bed" "his bed" "your bed" "our bed" "their bed" etc.

That said, if you really tried hard, you could become really good within a year. The only reason I still suck at Finnish is because I only have a CD and a book, you'd need one to one tuition with a native to improve dramatically.

I'm sure you can accomplish the language thing Utora, it doesn't matter how behind you are in school, if you're focused enough, you can accomplish anything.

[Azerane]

Originally posted by Utora
[[long sigh]] So I said "Well..then..I guess I could just do foreign languages." and he says "How?" and I felt shocked like, ..dude this is therapy could you please contribute a bit a of optimism in here?

Doctors tell their patients that they'll never walk or run again, and they do. They tell they're patients they won't live past 30 and they'll live to 50 or 60. Doctors aren't always right. Just because the doctor says you can't do something, doesn't mean it is that way. If you want to learn languages and that's what you're passionate about, then learn languages, don't let what people say about you get you down about it.

As for the flying, I can't really comment on that as I'm not too familiar with bipolar, but it might be a warning to heed. But still, keep saving for it and I'd say see how far you can get with it. Even if it gets to a point where you can't be flying all night, at least you will have had good experience with it.

[Marikunin]

The guy I've liked since 8th grade-I'm in 11th grade now-has a girlfriend. It's his birthday today, and I drew him a picture as a handmade card-I drew it 3rd period, by the way-and gave it to him just two minutes ago in the hallway. Two of his friends came up and jokingly teased him about going to kiss his girlfriend. They left, and I asked him if it was true and he said yes. Then he said that my drawing was really awesome-I am proud of it myself-and thanked me for the picture.
Anyway, the guy is a Christian, very cute, kind, smart, on the football team, has been a friend of mine for several years, etc.....and I find out that he's taken. And I liked him even before I knew that his dad was a pro football player(Freeman McNeil-he was on the New York Jets in the late 80s and early 90s).
Sure, I am happy for him. Which shows that I really do feel something deep for him beyond physical attraction....But it still hurts. It really hurts....:(
I feel like crying....:tears:

P.S. The guy doesn't know that I like him....as far as I know.

[Stormfury]

Well... it's bound to happen.. It shows you are a good person for being happy for him... What else can you do in short of telling him your true feelings.

Sorry, Marikunin. :hugs:

[Marikunin]

It's ok.....I just need some comfort right now....and he's a really good guy, too.....any advice? What should I do?

[Marikunin]

Yeah....but still, I really like him....but I want him to be happy....:(
please pray for me to feel better....

[nathalie]

8th - 11th grade mean nothing to me :s (I need ages, lol)

I can understand how you feel.

You can still keep enjoying his company whenever you can, and be a friend for him.

I'm not quite sure what you could do though...
If there was a way you knew he'd like you to, you could always try and talk to him about it I guess.

[Sadiki]

My advice is to just stay as his friend, even if you do like him a lot I wouldn't go and tell him that you have feelings for him while he is together with someone else. even it might be hard, you should be happy for him being happy with someone.

And well if something happens between them in somepoint and they brake up, then after you can tell him you have feelings for him, after he has gotten over her that is.

I can't really give you any other advice than that. Just try to keep it cool and the worst you can do is to show that you are jealous... that most likely makes you just more distant... :hugs:

[Dyani]

My advice would be to stop liking the guy deeper than friend level. Be friends with him, no more. Trust me, it will hurt less should things go worse than they are now and no, him going out with another girl is more of a blessing than a curse. At least you know he's straight.

PS Personal Experience is a b*tch. ;)

(Also, this would have been better posted in the ATTN thread in The Shadowy Place. Just for reference for if there is a next time.)

[Marikunin]

Thank you all for being so kind....Dyani, what happened with you? There's a story behind that 'personal experience' comment, I know it....:evilgrin:

[Azerane]

STM is right to say that you shouldn't feel jealous, if you act jealous about it, your friend will just think you are trying to be mean or something and why you aren't happy for him. So be happy for him and support him about it. If you support him through it and it ends up not working, then he'll know that you're still a good friend (unlike if you'd been jealous about it) so just try to sit it out. Sometimes waiting is all you can do.

[Marikunin]

:: Cries ::
Everyone's so supportive!
:: hugs everyone ::
Thank you all so much!

[Stormfury]

Originally posted by Dyani
My advice would be to stop liking the guy deeper than friend level. Be friends with him, no more. Trust me, it will hurt less should things go worse than they are now and no, him going out with another girl is more of a blessing than a curse. At least you know he's straight.

Woudn't that be awkward if you just were to stop being his friend? Especially if you really like him? That logic would cause emotional damage, for both.

[Marikunin]

I'm still going to be his friend. He's a good guy.

[Dyani]

Originally posted by Elliot
Woudn't that be awkward if you just were to stop being his friend? Especially if you really like him? That logic would cause emotional damage, for both.

Sorry I wasn't stating it well. What I was meaning was try to stop having feelings for him except for being a friend. Thus, still be friends with him but don't feel anything other than that. (Which is difficult but nessisary in a way. Stops you being hurt later on. What if he marries this girl, for example?)

Marikunin, my personal experience is explained here. (http://www.leahalalela.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=6775) Its kinda old news now but... well I'm still daft enough to be recovering from it. Can you see what I mean, what with my personal experience?

[Marikunin]

:: reads thread ::
:: hugs Dyani ::

[Azerane]

Not really needing advice, but didn't know where else to write this. Didn't want to start a thread. Just kinda down, I have an assignment due in the morning, which I've spent so long researching, but am behind with writing. Working on it now, but I feel so overwhelmed and swamped right now. I haven't been sleeping well either, just can't get to sleep, haven't slept a full night for over a week, it's really starting to take its toll on me. I feel exhausted both physically and mentally. I feel like sleeping for a week, have work all day tomorrow though, not looking foward to that.

[imported_kiara]

i know how you're feeling, i have the same problem now as well, with too much work and barely no sleep, im constantly exhausted and never have a quiet rest or time for myself. Eventually its taking over you, and in my case, i can do nothing about it but to continue to work (cuz during my job as AP, i just cant leave it and say i cant take it more, im going home now ..) i have to be there 15 hours a day 7 days a week, at least for this month, then its summer and i hope i can get some time off then. I wish i cold give you an advice, but i cant cuz i need one myself too .. But things will always be solved in the end, im sure about that, its just to stick around till then and not give up ..

[Stormfury]

Originally posted by Azerane
Not really needing advice, but didn't know where else to write this. Didn't want to start a thread. Just kinda down, I have an assignment due in the morning, which I've spent so long researching, but am behind with writing. Working on it now, but I feel so overwhelmed and swamped right now. I haven't been sleeping well either, just can't get to sleep, haven't slept a full night for over a week, it's really starting to take its toll on me. I feel exhausted both physically and mentally. I feel like sleeping for a week, have work all day tomorrow though, not looking foward to that.

Sleep is very important. If you get any time to do so, try and get some day sleep. You need to offset those missing hours... That's why you're probably feeling exhausted both physically and mentally. That and any stress can cause loss of sleep. Do what you can; and get that much needed rest ...

[LunarCat]

Originally posted by Azerane
Not really needing advice, but didn't know where else to write this. Didn't want to start a thread. Just kinda down, I have an assignment due in the morning, which I've spent so long researching, but am behind with writing. Working on it now, but I feel so overwhelmed and swamped right now. I haven't been sleeping well either, just can't get to sleep, haven't slept a full night for over a week, it's really starting to take its toll on me. I feel exhausted both physically and mentally. I feel like sleeping for a week, have work all day tomorrow though, not looking foward to that.


that's tough, best advice i can give is if possible, to set aside some time, about an hour or so, to do something that you enjoy. Something relaxing, or just something fun. Sleep is good but sometimes you need a release while you're awake. :D best of luck!!!

[Azerane]

@Elliot: I've been trying to get day sleep, I have trouble with it though, and I keep getting disrupted by things so that hasn't worked.

@Lc: Problem is, when I get stressed about things, I draw. Then because I've been drawing instead of what I was meant to be doing, I get more stressed, so I draw more.

I'm just so tired all the time and just can't sleep. I really have to energy and concentration left.

Thanks for the advice though

[Marikunin]

Because of your age....get 7.5 to 8 hours of sleep. :)

[LunarCat]

Originally posted by Azerane

@Lc: Problem is, when I get stressed about things, I draw. Then because I've been drawing instead of what I was meant to be doing, I get more stressed, so I draw more.




ah ok, so there's not enough time in the day huh? this is tough, i've been through some times like that. Try setting some goals, like finish 2 paragraphs of your paper before you can get up or something. Then give yourself a reward at the end of it.(i usually have ice cream, ice cream makes me happy, lol, ok moving on) SO yeah, then set another "2 paragraph" goal. take it one step at a time.

[Utora]

I now work at Jack in the Box. They hired me so quick, and when I applied I said I would only want part time. I watched the manager that hired me, Justin, punch into the computer for part time. The first week I worked there, I worked 41.5 hours, and that's not including training. I worked mainly 8 hour shifts, and one day I did a 6 hour shift. I don't mind the 8 hours..as long as I get at least a 5 minuet break. That's the problem. The secondary manager, named T.K....he doesn't believe anybody needs a break. I asked him , "When I work an 8 hour shift, do I at least get 15 minuets for a food break or something like that?" and he said "Well I've worked her a long time and nobody here takes breaks."

It's ridiculous. I'm standing on my feet for 8 hours through a breakfast rush, and a lunch rush. I do premium quality work...but I can't keep up the good work after about the 6th hour and I feel bad because I like working my best. I ask for a break and he says, "No..I need you.". They're understaffed severely but that isn't my problem...is it? If I stand still for more than 10 seconds he says , "No no...find something to do you can't just stand around."..and I'll catch him standing there talking to people..or just standing still thinking or even taking a fancy lunch break. If we as employees eat, we have to eat where we stand.

I'm not in that good of shape right now..I sat on my *** for about 2 years..but I can do good work.

In America...is a person entitled to a break? I feel like it's law to have some manner of a break..but I'm afraid if I confront him I'll be fired. My mom said she's going to call in the labor board to audit the place. I don't know if she should...what if there is no requirement? If we can't have breaks..I'll have to quit. I work solid 8 hours with no pause, and when I take a chance to stop or even go back and take my medication he criticizes me. My feet hurt so bad at the end of the day, and I had to order in my own shoes for crews shoes..well they haven't come in so a manager told me to wear one of the pair in the break room that somebody left there. They are a size 9..I need a size 9 and a half. My heels have blistered and I get home and my socks have some blood in them. Nothing severe but it's painful as hell right now and I feel as if I'm just weak or I'm not good enough. Nobody else says anything about breaks...then again nobody hangs around for 8 hours unless they are a manager.

I think I'm just going to quit. :zzz:

[This Land]

Dont Quit Utora, you are working hard there so you much enjoy it, its just that your boss is being unfair.

IM sure in America, People are entitled to breaks, you should definalty look it up.

Dont give up Utora, look up your employer rights and shove it in his face, and your mum is going to help you with that so thats cool ^^.

And if he Sacks you because you have told him by law he is not giving you suffient breaks. then you can sue him for Unfair Dismissal. So dont give up Utrora, ^^.

[lionloversam]

There should be a alloted break when you are on your feet all day long. I found this with a quick google search: http://www.dol.gov/esa/programs/whd/state/meal.htm

There should be plenty of information available on different parts of this page. http://www.dol.gov

I will look more tomorrow and send you any links I find that look useful.

[Tiikeri]

I'd quit, personally.

I'm unemployed too, so it's not like you'd be the only one without a job. But there's a fine line between a bad job and an awful job. A bad job being one that's kinda crap but it'll get you by for a while. Whereas an awful job is one that wasn't worth applying for because conditions are so bad.

Your situation reminds me of when I worked at Primark, the place was roasting hot, usually in the 90s and I was stood up at the back of the store on a cash register for hours on end. We weren't allowed drinks of anything and more often than not we were too busy to go for breaks.

But that aside, I think you should quit Utora. But don't quit before you find somewhere else first, that was where I went wrong. I quit my job because I was so unhappy there and didn't apply for anything to take it over, now I'm sat on my arse all day every day because nobody will hire me.

So yes, quit, but find a replacement job first.

[Stormfury]

If you work 8 hours, by law; they are required to give you one-half hour break. Most places will give you 30 and 2 15's if you work an 8 hour shift. Fines and/or penalties are plausible by the Department of Labor to your employer.

[lion_roog]

When you work a full day (8 hours or more) you legally must have a lunch break. This lunch break can't be less than 30 minutes long. And you are also allowed to 15 minute paid breaks. I would suggest familiarizing yourself with the law and letting your manager know you would like the breaks you are entitled to as an employee who is working a full day.

[King Simba]

Utora, your situation reminds me of what my sister has had to go through at her workplace. She works at Instore (Formerly ?stretcher, a store that sells homeware products in the UK) They hardly ever give her breaks. The only break they give her is about half an hour for lunch (sometimes less) and she works 9 hour shifts. For the rest of the day, she's kept on the tills serving customers. She has asked to be rotated to the shop floor a few times stacking shelves, but they just keep her on the tills all day and give other people the job. She hates the job and is looking for a new one.

People are entitled to breaks in the UK, so why not in the US?

You shouldn't be entitled to work under as terrible conditions, so if I were you I'd quit. But at the end of the day, it's your decision, not anybody elses. Just do whatever you think is right and then go from there. But personally, if it was me in that situation, I'd quit because I wouldn't think it was right for me to be put under those conditions.

[Stormfury]

Originally posted by King Simba
People are entitled to breaks in the UK, so why not in the US?

We are, but some employers try and act the fool. Nevertheless, fines can be quite high because of insurance purposes, etc.

[Utora]

Thank you everyone for the advice. It's brought me to a big conclusion.

I probably just got fired because I didn't come to work today, and instead I slept in. I'm calling in to apologize and see if they need me to finish my shift. Hopefully Justin is in and I can ask him about allotted break and meal times.

It's not hard at all for me to get a job, but I don't like changing it all the time. It's not going to look right on my records.

So far the majority say I should be allowed one half hour lunch break and two 15 min breaks on the clock. I'll try to see what their policy is and if they give me a hard time about I'm quitting.

[Stormfury]

Splah. Their policy don't mean beans. They can't fire you if you have worked 8 hours, and wanting an half-an-hour. Your boss is exceedingly crooked. If employees follow in his footsteps; then you're in bad shape. Quitting accomplishes "nada." Getting him fired/new management, would be the sure way of doing things.

[nathalie]

If I were you I'd take this to some union.

Don't you have that over there?

In Belgium, everyone who works must be part of some (you can even choose between christians, liberals, etc ...) union.
So, if it would be my boss, I would report him (or the company) to my union, and they would sort things out.

Did it before, threadend a boss of mine January 2006 to report him.
He was refusing to pay me for the hours I worked.
You should have seen how fast he did pay me when I said I would report it.

[Tiikeri]

Basically I couldn't be arsed making a new thread so I'm gonna whack it in 'ere.

I am in the process of moving out of my parents home. I will in fact be moving to Bristol, which is down in the South West of England in a county called Avon. I've not set a date yet so that's why I'm posting a warning, if I vanish for some time, you'll know why. It won't be for a few days though.

To Dan & KS ~ The York$hiteman is leaving York$hite :gasp:

To LKS ~ I'm on my way xD

[Lion King Stu]

Ave it another person down in the south. Hurry your *** down and settle down and we'll meet soon for a drink!....or two....or three....etc!

^^.

[Daniel]

Originally posted by Tiikeri
Basically I couldn't be arsed making a new thread so I'm gonna whack it in 'ere.

I am in the process of moving out of my parents home. I will in fact be moving to Bristol, which is down in the South West of England in a county called Avon. I've not set a date yet so that's why I'm posting a warning, if I vanish for some time, you'll know why. It won't be for a few days though.

To Dan & KS ~ The York$hiteman is leaving York$hite :gasp:

To LKS ~ I'm on my way xD

what?!?!?!?!

YOU MUST NOT DO THIS!

[King Simba]

Originally posted by Tiikeri
To Dan & KS ~ The York$hiteman is leaving York$hite :gasp:

Oh shoite!

Just don't turn completely Southern on us York****e people, 'kay? ;)

[Dyani]

YAY! Come join us!! (We have cornish pies!) :D
LKS, I didn't know you were a Southerner... Whereabouts do you live?

KS - Methinks he will still be a Yorkshireman through and through, even though he may develop some Southern behaviour! I'm Southern 100% but I have family in Yorkshire and my parents are Yorkshiremen so... I'm kind of a hybrid!

Good luck with moving, Tiikeri!! Devon doesn't rain as much as it does up in Yorkshire!

[Guntur]

Originally posted by Sombolia
Yo, Aldenti! ;o

Congrats, Zackers. Although that's not saying much, you gotta go to college now. ;)
Well sorry Somby, :( college is a hard place.
I just drop out from college last month and my mood pretty swing lately with all the useless lecture. I'm feeling all stress up and anxiety attack take control of me, I'm all crazy like the Phoenix in X-men 3.

well that's all from my heart: sorry if this is not a right thread for it!

[Dyani]

Not going on an emo trip here or anything, I'd kinda like some advice from anyone willing to give me some. ^_^

I'm beginning to consider seeing a pscyhologist or someone similar. For a while now I guess, I've begun to realise I'm fairly messed up in the head. Nothing severe or anything, just enough to thoroughly confuse me in many aspects of my life. Thing is, although I'd like to see someone, the likelihood of me doing so without my parents knowing whilst I live with then during the summer, is very low. I'd rather they not know because.. well I'd think they would judge the action wrong and believe it was their fault their kid was messed up, and would rather me talk to them than anyone else. I'm not really as close to my parents as I guess I ort to be so the thought of talking to them about something that is very deep within me, is kinda creepy.

The situ is - I'm going back to uni (hopefully... once my coursework is done) in septemeber. Do I start finding a pscyho-prober now or when I go back to uni, where the liklihood of my parents knowing what I'm doing is very very low.
Help greatly appriciated, friends. :woeisme: :lol:

[Iaganatzi]

Woooo! Cornwall FTW! I'm originally from Cornwall, and their cornish pasties are unparalleled!

Just thought i'd have my brief input. :P

[Utora]

I wouldn't come here, if there were other options; but sadly, there are none.

I'm 17, as you can read. I have a younger brother living with me, he's 14. My parents have been together for 32+ years now.

To make this as quick as I can in words, my mother is planning on leaving my father. My father choses to be oblivious; regardless, my mother hides it from him. I know, and some other sisters who are grown, married, and living away from the home. My brother does not know.

I've known this for a while. I now know, she'll probably leave around the 3rd of January. Before my birthday, which hurts some more.

She has not directly told me, but I do believe she is leaving the country of America. I think she has a friend on the outside. Male or female, I don't know for certain, but I assume male; just as a comrade for the time being.

My mom use to take care of the bills. I never heard about it. A child, doesn't need to fully know their parents finances; not like my dad makes me know. My dad would go and buy things and not tell my mother, so surprise bank statements would pop up for my mother to suddenly figure out, when no money was aparently there to begin with. It's driven her mad. My father CANNOT work TOGETHER, with my mother on this. He must have all or nothing, total control or oblivion. She has handed him all the bills. She no longer has money; she has to ask him for money. So my mother and I can no longer be out and just buy something for fun.

My father had me forcefully involved with the bills. Highlighting my doctor statements so he could send it to the IRS and show them why we don't need to pay [so much money here] as opposed to [so much money here]. He told me how I'll be living on the street, and nothing will matter. That is a horror to me. My mother's father was Bipolar, and became a hobo, and lived off the street and by chance was picked up by a social worker. Then he lived the rest of his life in a mental hospital, where he eventually died.

Anyways. My dad feeds me toxic shame. He tells me how my mental doctor milks him of our money. I say nothing. My doctor is very, VERY considerate of our finances and offers so much to me and my family at no charge. I am, ashamed of my father. Embarrassed, humiliated. I am humble to my Doctor. To the Lord. To my situation; that I can at least HAVE help, in America.

Being Bipolar 1/Schizophrenic, I do not have the same skills and ways to deal with stress like 'some' people do. Instead it stacks itself, and becomes lethal to the stabilization of the disorder, leading to suicide attempts, possible violent behavior to save oneself, or hospitalization. Hospitals here, uh uh.

:disagree:

I've been to 6 different ones; each one worse than the other. It's not what I need, to be simple, and the environment is dangerous for my problem. My doctor knows all this, and has told me this furthermore.

To bring you up to the main focus of the problem, my father controls all the finances. My mother has to ask for an allotted amount, and give my father the exact reason why, and see if it's ok. This means if I'm out with my mom, like I always am [never my dad on such occasions] I can't get underwear, deodorant, a toy soldier, a game, shoes, food, feminine products; without my dad knowing. Now I have 600USD in my own account from my old jobs. However, due to tight times my parents pulled from my account to pick up the slack, promising me payment; which I agreed to. When my mom ran the bills, I had to say "Can I get this with my money?" and she'd approve and keep all the receipts to follow up on, later.

Not anymore. My mom says I have to get my dad to take me out. So I do. In the store I say "I need this." Normally health care things, my parents would buy for me as I am 17 and still under their roof. My father ignores me. I say with, my money. He ignores me. I try some more, he says "Come on, let's leave." and I silently do. I'm not a combative person.

As of late my mother no longer asked him to do things. She has a secret account of her own with a few hundred dollars in it. For Annie's birthday, and some time with me, it no longer exists. I had to sneak things into the house, that I had bought, so my father would not see and stir a conflict. This must be done because he's unreasonable. Unapproachable. And we have told him this; but he ignores us; the Captain Oblivious he is.

He says things to me out of place, things I shouldn't have to hear. Things about my mom. He is a strange man. And he choses to be.

Tomorrow we get passports made. My mother and I. I know why. When she leaves, she will go away. She cannot take me. This SCARES me. I am left in the care of my father who already ignores me as it is, and feeds to my disorder in a violently negative way. I told my doctor this, and my mother. It has to be done, so......I wait. I feel like some lioness, waiting at the horizon, watching the storm come in over the Savannah. I can't run, it comes in from all sides. I can't hide, it's all powerful.

I thought of leaving at 18. Not so good. I have no outside life. I can't even drive; my father ignores me and does not help me train, even when I ask, and my mom's car is the best car and we crash that we're done, so my mom can't help me too much. So, I have a permit, and I sit. My father won't sit down with me and arrange an online homeschooling course for me; so I do nothing in all these months of sitting online. I go nowhere. I escape, so desperately as I can here online, but it's starting to overflow, you know. Into my life whether I like it or not.

I'M TRAPPED. I don't know what to do. Run, where? I ran once, no money. Police found me. No sibling can take me in; they all live to the penny, and I've asked, even if I got a job; they don't know how to help people with my problem and fear they would only be more a threat. I can respect their apprehension. But this storm, is creeping at me.

I don't know how my father will be when she leaves. Devastated I know for sure, but violent or depressed, or mellow or free, I can't predict! I am powerless, hopeless, lost, stuck, trapped, and my heart is starting to panic and my body trembles and I want to run to escape, I want to LIVE!

This is what happened last year, in a different situation. I threatened to kill them, and finally I was heard. I don't literally want to kill. But if you've ever been this panicked, like a soldier in combat, you know killing may get you free of your situation; yet, only for the moment.


My doctor has no answers. My mother has no answers. My siblings have no answers. I have no answers. I don't have friends, like some do. I'm, very much in the dark here.

:tears:

I need help. Anybody. Anything. It's only getting worse and my doctor said; it's lethal. Sometimes some people say "I don't know what to do." but they just haven't tried hard enough. No. This time, this is it, this is the end, game over, no more answers, hold on and bite your lip; give em' Hell.

But I know I can't survive it. I just, know this. No shelter in the storm. I'm just waiting to be killed.

[sighs].....what..DO I do? This is my last call for help. I seriously mean this. I can't wait around much longer; I have to react before I'm too crippled to even look up anymore.

I want to live. I want peace. I want, happiness.

[Dyani]

I don't understand the nature of your condition, Utora, but I can kinda see where you're coming from. I wish you strength, hope and control. Live for yourself, for what you stand for, for the people you truely love and care for. You may feel alone, but you aren't. People are going through situations like yours all over the world, some in even worse scenarios.
Is there -no- where you can go? Any relatives, friends of the family? Can you contact social services (or the russian equivilent)? Seeing as you are 17 and techincally still a dependant on your family, could you call a child's helpline? Is there some way you can take out your.. energy/anger/stress on sport or something? Not in terms of joining a club or anything because that costs money, but stuff you can do on your own?
I hope I have been a small help to you, Utora. I'm so sorry you are going through this and that I can do nowt to help you.

:hugs:

[lionloversam]

Okay, I was not sure where to post this so I'll put it here. I have been ... concerned for the past month. The reason is that one of my friends at work offered me some soda out of a 2-litre he just drank out of, being really thirsty I got a cup and accepted the offer. The reason I am concerned is this guy talks about how much he ... lets just say 'gets around' in his personal life. And, I have been concerned about if I could of picked something up from drinking after him. I researched HIV and that can't be tranfered by drinking after somebody. So, I guess my question is can any STD or related illness be caught from drinking after somebody that may have one?

[Fire_Hazard]

The answer to that question is probably no. As much as popular belief and the media attention of HIV and AIDS proclaims it to be, these diseases are rare in countries that have high medical standards such as US, Canada, England, etc.. I am NOT under-estimating the power of these diseases, nor am I trying to reduce them down to 'not-to-worry-about' issues, but HIV/AIDS is highly unlikely. However, your concern for getting it from drinking th same water is quite real Sam, as to an extent, that's how few viruses are carried into our bodies.

By the way, ST'I' is the correct term. Sexual Transmitted Infection. Anyway...

It is possible that a virus may have gotten in. Although, with soda.. The carbontion in the soda is.. somewhat of a neutralizer?..

Here's a quote from a site that I found interesting:

I've done some research on this topic, and I feel that the answer to this question is more than just a simple no. Since Gonorrhea can thrive in the throat, I believe that it would be possible to contract the infection through heavy kissing. I don't mean dry kissing, I mean heavy, wet, shoving your tounge down your partners throat kissing.

Sexual Diseases can only be contracted by direct contact or by passive contact. The soda might have milled down the virus and/or bacteria in it and made it more difficult for it to spread.

To answer your question now, Sam. I'd say no, but check up on the guy's history as to who he slept with or played with

[Sharifu]

Utora, why is your mom leaving without you? Have you asked her why you can't go with her?

[Sadiki]

There is STD's that can be caught from drinking drinks that someone else has drink but HIV isn't one of them. Unless the person have bleed in it just before you drink out of it and you got wounds somewhere in your mouth, stomach or such where the virus can enter your system.

I know gonorrhea can spread from a touch but I'm not sure if you can get it by just drinking same drink than someone else.

[Utora]

She can't afford to bring me with her, initially. I've asked her, and she said she could, but there wouldn't be the proper money to provide me a stable life, at first. After several months, possibly a few years, she could take me in.

My sister after recent visiting and talking about the subject, has offered me to stay at her place. Possibly my own room, a computer, stability, food...etc etc no charge for a while. But I just worry about the younger kids and such. If I relapse or freak out or fall unstable....I don't want to stress these people out in this small apartment.

If worse comes to worse....I'll reside with my sister. I mean I could always leave, right?

:confused:

[Elly]

Utora, a few options off the top of my head:

Have you considered about joining the military?
Obviously, you are in the right direction for that.

It would be better off to stay with your sister, your dad sounds like a royal butthole. Probably is.

If at all possible, could you get tender assistance through the state.
And what I mean by that is a kind of assistance that helps you to get away from your current predicament, there are programs out there that could possibly help-you-out - 100%.

The options are on the table; but it's up to you to sort them out...

[Utora]

The military has always been my fix. Mainly the Navy. I was quite crushed to find out I was Bipolar 1. Flying a Hornet is out of the picture. I am searching for military-isk things that wouldn't press too hard upon my disorder, but given the severity of the disorder, it's practically impossible. I'm not too crushed, but I'll be damned if I don't fly and make a solid hearted career out of it. I just wish I could fly for my country, in the military sense.

Flying for FedEx/Aeroflot.....it's good for flying, but in the sense of defense, combat, and that adrenaline rush I'd kill for....it doesn't quite hit it.

No worries; there's a will, so there WILL be a way.

I will live with my sister, as it's unfolded, and thank you everyone, for your advice. It's helped me to this point and in my future decisions.

:)

[Utora]

I have to delete this soon. My fathers tracks my computer to hunt my mother down. This is the end. I am to die very soo; this is my love to you my friends. I jmust delete within 12 hours.


Look people think I'm some insane Russian, ok. Why? Because in my past I ran from my house in Nazi uniform screaming The Russians are coming!, or threatened to kill someone, or get deranged over Nazism or whatever it is God it does -not- matter now!

I have been, going on about it for so long, and it's one of those things where American police say Until there's proof.... but this is a situation where the end result IS the proof. I feel like I am delusional because it distresses me so. I have been on Lithium, and other pills for so long I am so very stable. And here I am, sitting out back my porch in Siberia, watching a sunset, you know all the worries of my parents nestled safetly.

So I talked to my mother for a while, and we just talk of things in our daily life. Then I'm on my own. I go up to the ridge where I practice snipering, and draw for the secret santa drawings. Here I am drawing perfectly for my buddy in the drawings and my pencil tip breaks and I grit my teeth and swear in Russian, then smile as if 'I know something' right like that matters, I'm just another Russian fool. And I sigh, no sharpener and look down the valley and ponder things. I think over my mother's conversation...my dad.

Yes, she will leave soon....he will go deranged. [sighs] He will go on and on and as if to shake you by the collar saying You know comrade you know where she is! and if, I do not break, which I pray to be so strong.....he will pursue her.

No he must know. See I suspected my father knew about my mother wanting to abandon him, and I warned my phscyatrist. Like I said long ago, when he ran about with a sidearm, planning her death and -openly- told her of that after she left the man! [tries to think in the mess; licks tiger maw and looks about in intense thought]

Ok so he says things now like "You need a passport for Canada?" and stuff, like he doesn't know, she's running to Canada. This man worked on DEFCON for the American Government. He is an ex Navy/Seal, he was top marksman on a damn B.A.R. I know, everything, and am not going to squeal. Nyet. I would like for my mother to live. I have been watching my parents for long time now, and you know it happens so slowly over time you start passing things up.

[trembles] Last night, he came in with my younger brother and my younger brother said, You know back in the states you can get a license to conceal a firearm! I'm like yeah Ben, I know this story I talked about it years ago at the Sheriff's department with the guy. My Dad says, in happy tone you know everyday life, and says Yeah! I'm thinkin' about gettin' one! Carry a .44 or something...Blackhawk! and he laughs, and I laugh....guns are common place in my home. We have over [scoffs] 103 rifles and pistols and it grows, with ammunition. We reload our own bullets. Our guns are not government tagged, they are curios, relics. I suspected I would not see it happen, for it could unfold like it was common talk or conversation; the moments leading up to her death.

I do not think of these things. My doktor say, you ignore stress and coupe, life gets better.

So here I am frustrated with my broken pencil, my broken home...and I am shot, right in the head by my own lack of account of things; I -saw- it happen.

[tries not to laugh; shakes tiger head] It's sick, it's a sick game that is going down! Like some mafia or KGB or police mental trick to make you break.

21 years ago, my father carried a sidearm, -without- license. He stalked my older brother Nickolai, when he was a boy, in the woods, and surpised him practicing his assault tactis. He swung my brother on the swing and carried the sidearm. Why do you carry that father? I like the feel of it by my side. This was before the Internet was involved. My father tracked my mother and her other man down, by hand, secretly....but because of his intellectual behavior he fronts it carefully among his offspring....like a lion bantering out to his cubs he will strike out and they should hide.

21 years later....it is common talk of getting a license...to carry, a sidearm. I am not, insane.

:alone:

History repeats itself. It is happening and I have told everyone I know, and love and hope to give some advice. Police ignore me. God they practically have me on auto name so they know to ignore my calls, emails, letters and even physical presentation. I've called other people, you know safe houses social workers; nah....they've been here before..it's redundant. Nobody believes until it is in front of them.

So here is the situation, at present.

[sits on tiger rump; head erect, voice mellow tone as if a soldier reporting enemy plans on the front]

The game has begun. He knows it will go down within 2 to 3 months. His bonus from work arrives then too, convieniantly. He -knows- this man she goes to with love. It was an old friend of his. But he perhaps does not know she runs to the same man at this moment. He is good at hiding but I am too. He knows where she is going, airfaire, passport, medical information. He knows her intentions. All the chess pieces are in his favor now; he calls the shots...I can read this quickly...others cannot present. I warn them. My mother is appauled. She tells me her comrades at work know everything and when she dies....they will know. There will be truth to be served at my father in court.

I am DONE. Waiting. For a death, I coould perhaps prevent. Unnecssary for me to get involved; once this theory was true, now due to lack of proper help, I must defend what my mother cannot. I am trained by my father, 7 years now, ancient sniper ways. I can kill a being from 600 yards with a peep sight, no scope, in sunlight against me, any terrain. I can relocate, and dissappear, reappear and kill more again. I can assault from behind, I know close combat tactics. Ways to strangle; slit the throat in one move; break neck quickly, silently; razor wire. How to rewire explosivies; make instant homemade bombs. Kill and hide the bodies.

I strongly believe God, has ...allowed me to learn these things, for a certain shadow that creeps up behind me, as I wander in blindfold like a starved tiger, searching desolation for salvation and I pull the blindfold away and look into the black, the death, to come and see my face a mirror; I am the salvation.

No one, will listen. [falls to tiger knees and burries head; weeps] I will, do my best to lovingly mislead my father, lie for preservation of my wasted family. But I know him well, he will kill me too. I have seen this in his eyes. I will not fall before him blinded by compassion. He killed in cold blood in Vietnam, for his Navy tactics union. He lead it and achieved it; under his name. I will become, the soldier he made me and break bond and love, to reduce myself into a killing and defending being; worthless and hopeless yes but I will not let my mother die.

So. [fights tears, bites lip, curls tail and closes eyes] I will either die, running to catch the bullet. Or I will allow my, .....past..my ways, mixed with hate and evil to dislocate me from the love that would wish only both their lives; and I will snarl down the path and pull the trigger; and again, and again, and again until he no longer breathes among us.

They will arrest me.

Unstable and Schizophrantic daughter murders father, found 1000 miles from home found today. Will be trialed for first degree murder.

I will kill my father and kill what he made me along with my very self, to preserve an innocent and yes not perfect mother; but who would only dream of love and success and peace for her family. But due to my father's adultery, and verbal abuse..she is broken and torn at 50 years in age and will salvage whatever is left of her woman like soul.

I will never get to that point. I feel it, I know this; I always have! I think of my future. I wanted to fly, so high, like my grandfather, and his father.....to defend the motherland. I was insane and the military rejected me. I was in pre-training in Russia and they sent me home, and I walked away with my tiger tail between my legs, head hung, tears in my eyes. But I battled the depression and the suicidal thoughts. I can, fly for Aeroflot! Da! 2 bucks an hour to pay off my 100,000 dollar debt to college my mother wished for me to pass and my father said he'd support me and when the check came and I said Papa I have succeeded! Because of you, because of my mother, and now I will work for Aeroflot for life, so happy to just fly, and bring you money and pay off your debts, and mother and you live so happily together!

And there I am, my tigeress face beaming with pride for my father and mother, holding out the check, oh just reach out and sign it Papa we are so close!

I am left in the wind....smile falling, eyes searching for the face which now is turned, his tiger back to me, as if..I were not his own. I retract the bill, ashamed I asked for help. Wait, and then leave, for my brothers before me too, were cast away. I knew and would not wait. He buys his guns. 50,000 dollars worth in guns! If I am not with him I am against him. And, only darkness deals in absolutes.

You see I have no place in a future, that will not exist. I am here now. Letting you people know. The only people, to know me! A shallow, insecure afflicted tiger broken and lost, dellusional and ashamed of herself, shakily writing stories to bond with you, and be close and say Oh I have family!, because you are all I am.

Oh I had other friends! My father says They do you NO good! Nobody will love you like -this- family; this is it, this is as good as it ever gets. They manipulate you, lie; and you would listen because you are foolish.

I am not allowed friends!

[hangs head and cries]

I am spent. Nyet. I have, snuck...a Russian Makarov pistol out, and I have hidden it in my tiger hidey hole. [laughs and shakes head] It's...I will not say for my father will know. It is my mothers. she say I keep it. I slipped ..or more of forced my CZ-52 into the Makarov holster and set it back. He will never look twice. Because a man, who turns his back to his family, cannot see their drawing swords.

[shudders; wipes maw; sniffs]

Someone hear my cries. Say something; nothing to fix this. No I know my fate...just words of goodbye, of love and fellowship so I may know my family is not as good as it gets...but YOU people are better! Lions, tigers, dragons, and wolves; my brothers and sisters. Oh...da..[breathes softly]

I won't wait for the government to call my fate. Nyet. I am Russian by blood; the gun to my head, once I have run to the four corners of the Earth and they loom over me in my fathers shadow.

I don't do this willingl;; I do this, unknowingly.

[wipes tears away, smiles; puts tigress paw over eyes and stumbles about jokingly]

...yes comrades...I blind myself to save another. Not scraifice, NEVER, sacrifice I am....but of expent lies, and ailing love..for a family no more.

[looks down; is not crying; nods and smiles]

Yes. This is my cry. Know I am good person, I mean so well......and I go well too. To the stars I hope, with fathers who look down on me, plagued by their own madness now at peace; forgiving and ready to embrace their tigress daughter...perhaps a small star beside one so great and bright; my father...he is free now and so am I from the plague.

Da, it is certain.

:ayecapn:
Salut!

[nods once and heavy, happily, swallows fate and turns and pads away]

[Guntur]

I cry when i'm reading half of your post, Have faith my friend :hugs: Patience my friend, soon you will gain your freedom and peace :hugs:

[lionloversam]

Utora, about the driving lesson situation, could you ask a friend's parents and in return do household chores for them? About the rest of the situation, I don't know for sure what to say. But, I do think telling the psyhciatrist was a good first step. I will keep you in prayer and I hope the best for you.

[Utora]

:lol:

Screw a car I'm God damn getting myself a tank. A nice Abrahms. Go to work and just the fact I parked it 10 feet into the building ought to let them know I'm not in the mood for their advice.

[sighs] I'm not even going to look at my old post. It's going to happen, maybe without me knowing. I'll conquer this bastard. I'll make him die for me. Screw this self sacrifice. He won't let -it- go! I can't read him. But my boot can and it's gunna kick his ***.

[sighs and scratches head]

But I'm thinking about begging my sister to teach me to drive. I know really, just the paraelle parking. I know I can do it; but I'm going to make sure. I mean b e g. Not ask.

[lionloversam]

Okay, I need some advice again. It sort of involves the "friend" I made reference to in my last post asking for advice. Well, today at work I was let go. But, starting about a month ago management and the owner really started getting on my case. They claimed that I have been slacking, acting lazy and taking excessive breaks. But, the thing is I only took a ten-minute lunch break when I was alloted a half-hour and bathroom breaks when needed which were short(how long does it take for a guy to use the toliet and wash his hands?)(which I tried to keep to a minimum, I am on a diuretic perscription so I do need to use the bathroom more than most, but it dosen't seem excessive to me.)

But, before all this started, I was constantly told how great of an employee I was. There is alot more info I have recorded. Names and dates... stuff like that but this is just a broad over-view.

And where this "friend" comes into play, he is the assistant manager and the one who told me to leave, along with a bunch of other stuff while the manager was standing there. I just don't know how much I should give out. But I will clarify if need be.

[Fire_Hazard]

Wow...

If anything has happened between your friend and yourself that would have a negative impact on him, then I highly suggest making a little note to the head manager about this. He could be using his power to just make you more miserable and holding a grudge against you.

But, if he doesn't have an issue with you that is personal, I still would file the complaint anyway. Make sure that if the human resources people come and check up on it, you tell them that you have a relationship with him (friendly). And with the notes that you recorded, you should be able to have a case and not have the management pull a "We gave him a warning and he is abusing his lunch priveleges".

E-mail me, Sam and I want to talk to you more about it. Sounds a bit serious. john.a.canning@gmail.com

[Elly]

Sounds like they needed a scapegoat reason to get rid of you. Even though a person might be a good worker and all, doesn't mean he/she isn't expendable. You may want to rebut a little; there could be some form of illegitimacy on letting you go. If there's no solid basis of record-keeping, you may want to talk to the managerial's supervisor. Especially if you like that job.

All the best, LLS.

[lionloversam]

Well, what happened before my troubles started I sent a report to OSHA/MOSH and requested my name remain private. When they showed I seemed to know what was happening. Then a week later I was drilled by the owner in regards to the visit. This lasted about 45 minutes. Most of the laziness remarks came from the warehouse management, particularlly the one I was closest with. Looking back, it seems he tried to sudlely warn me, but I did not catch on to it. (I was so upset that day, I blocked him on myspace without giving it a second thought because I felt like I was stabed in the back, outside of work this is the only way I had of remaining in touch with him) But, before that I had no troubles with anybody there. I was actually told how great of a worker I was constantly. After, I left the warehouse I waited in the parking lot for a friend of mine that worked there a while back to meet me there. Then I went in and asked to speak to the owner, he confirmed the termination and I have a witness if I need one for the actions I am taking now. So, I believe it was due to me being an 'informant' to OSHA on the safety concerns I had. The owner also accused me of spying for previous employees in the first meeting after the inspection.

Thank you for the encouragement to those who already replied.

[Utora]

Surgery 5 hours from now.

Never had surgery, so to sum up my problem; scared.

:lol:

Not too much but uncertain. I slept for 24 hours yesterday, and haven't eaten nor drank anything accordingly and I'm so freaking thirsty.

:yuck:

I have 4 wisdom teeth; kinda premature. They're taking them all out at once. Supposedly he took an xray [I saw it] and he said they were perfect. I was like awesome! ..wait why are we taking them out again?

:hehe:

They offered awake or asleep. I would have gone with awake but it hit me, my anxiety naturally desires for me to be awake to be awares at all costs. However it would backfire due to hearing the crunching, the numerous needles, and waiting while thinking about it as opposed to knocking out and waking up in 5 seconds accordingly to my conscious.

I love studying medical things. I know how to do what they are going to do; but not physically. Like, knowledge wise. That helps little. I wonder if they'll do the incession right; if they'll get the root out properly or dig the bone out without damaging anything else. Oooo [scratches head] Why must I think at all.

:noogie:

So anyone been through this? Any experience advice, what to expect and feel perhaps?

:cheese:

[nathalie]

The better question is what to eat for the next 5 - 7 days ^^

Ice cream, fluids and pudding, hehe.

[imported_kiara]

i took out two teeth once (the upper corner ones) and could only eat ice cream in couple days x)

[Simbaspirit]

how was the surgery, Utora?

[Guntur]

This is not a crying for attention post but I gotta get it out of my system:

Am I happy with my life?

Not quite, because I've been kicked out of college, my love life sucks big time, I don't have a car to travel around, Whenever I plan for something nothing comes up, When I post something here people never reply or caught attention (okay I was kidding with this statement but hehe,:haha: hakuna matata :hakuna:) My father tell me I got 11 years or 14 years to live because of my daily diet, right now I left something behind and still trying to catch up with my age, my father still bugging me to find a job, I'm still struggling with my English language and my grammar, I'm feeling goddamn sick because I've been sick for 3 month, I lost 10 pounds within 3 years, and the last thing I wish before I die is let this pain go away :(. AND I NEED to stop complaining because my mind so messed up :idiot: Well.. thank you for reading this.
:D

FENDI!

[Dyani]

Originally posted by Fendi
When I post something here people never reply or caught attention (okay I was kidding with this statement but hehe,:haha: hakuna matata :hakuna:)

They don't reply in the ATTN thread normally unless you're popular, but I think you are popular enough to get replys. ;)
I don't quite know how else to reply to this. Perhaps a little advice? Live for every day, scare yourself a little every day and keep safe.

[Guntur]

Yeah I poke my self everyday and scare my self the **** out of me...

(sorry I'm overdose at the moment, I just notice I drink the medicine a wrong way)

Well guys, I'm doing body scope tomorrow morning, hope and luck from you are appreciate

[Simbaspirit]

awe Fendi.... :(

you're in my prayers, man. you cn push through this, you are tougher than whats beating you down. PM me if you want to talk more, or msn me at bluebutterflylion@hotmail.com

take care

[HasiraKali]

I'm sorry to hear that Fendi. Things will look up.

[King Simba]

I didn't want to create another thread for this, so I guess I'll stick it in here.

Today, I was practising driving with my dad in his car, and when I was coming out from an awkward junction, I accidently hit the kerb. I was going about 5mph at the most, even though he makes out I was going at a much higher speed. Basically, he had a go at me saying stuff like "I TOLD you to stop!" then naturally that made me feel upset because I'm used to people having patience if I ever make a mistake (except for my driving instructor of course, he's another one who shouts at me if I make a mistake.) So then, who said all driving instructors had patience? Definitely not mine.

Then later, when I was driving back down this road, he told me to stop, so I did, and then I said something like "It was a mistake, I only did it by accident". He kept shouting, and then he started bashing me across my head against the car window. So my reaction was to get out the car and leave him. I wasn't putting up with anymore of it.

I kept walking down this road, and then he started driving after me telling me to "Get in the car!" I refused to begin with, so he drove on, and then a few minutes later, guess what? He came back shouting "Get in the car!" again at me. So I did second or third time round, knowing that it was getting dark and that it was in the middle of a village in a rural area. On the way home all I got was "You think you're so clever, you're such a know-it-all, blahdeblah" and then everytime I tried to talk to him about it, all I got was a thump or bash from him, even when he was driving.

I'm sick of getting beat up by my dad (if that's what I can call him). I can't even count how many times he's used me as some sort of punchbag. It doesn't help either with the state I'm in right now. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I feel as if I'm a failure at driving now, and I dunno whether or not I want to continue. Sure, I loved driving up to now, but for some reason both my instructor and my dad have put me off with the lack of patience they both have, especially my dad...

[/rant]

[Revo]

Awrh, been there, I tell ya... It feels like you can't do one mistake without being reminded about it for ever, right? I hope they realize soon that you learned your lesson already, and give you another chance. And yah, your dad should realize that punching you isn't gonna make the message go through any better, since you're not a little kid anymore, and your mental well-being isn't as dependent on his approval. You seem like a reasonable person that can handle things with speaking about them, and you can just prove to your dad that you've greatly exceeded him in that skill. And that skill is a bit more important than driving. And I'm sure even he has been in small car accidents. I hope you and your dad get over this as soon as possible, luckily these things never last forever.

[Guntur]

awww KS, we all has been into that situation. It's a mistake don't worry, in fact I've involved in freak accident last two weeks. My dad isn't pissed off with the car, he pissed off because I took sleeping medication before I drive. I don't think your dad should to that beating you up. Since you're female and you should report to the authority that responsible.


Originally posted by HasiraKali
I'm sorry to hear that Fendi. Things will look up.

I'm taking medication at the moment to control my despression and anxiety. : ) I'll be alright with those pills

[Sharifu]

Aww KS! How awful! Did you tell your mom about that? No way should your dad do that to you! :(

:hugs: I hope your mom will take you driving, because you obviously can't with your dad. (And your instructor isn't any better)

[Elly]

I don't like people hitting other people, I really don't like it when it is males hitting females. Even more so, family. I don't care what the reason, even joke-willingly. Your father's a b-word, don't lash-out someone when he/she is driving.

Not cool.
Sorry to hear that, King Simba! :woeisme:

[King Simba]

Thanks guys. :) :hugs:


Originally posted by ReVo
And I'm sure even he has been in small car accidents.
He has, he's been in a few actually. He actually killed one of our cars off from drink driving, so what does that tell you?


Originally posted by Sharifu
Aww KS! How awful! Did you tell your mom about that? No way should your dad do that to you! :(

:hugs: I hope your mom will take you driving, because you obviously can't with your dad. (And your instructor isn't any better)
Yeah, I told my mum about it straight afterwards. She told my dad that what he did was wrong. He seemed pretty remorseful after that, but he hasn't apologised to me yet, so I wouldn't believe it until he does.

I told him that I'm doing driving with my mum from now on, but all he said was stuff like "You're not driving in this car again! You almost wrecked it!" etc. She has one hell of a lot more patience than my dad, and she doesn't shout at me whenever I do a mistake like both my instructor and dad does. I read something up on the internet and it said when somebody's learning to drive, whoever's learning them should be patient and calm with them, and that it's no good to shout at a learner if they make a mistake as it drops their confidence. Usually, in driving lessons, the instructors pull you over to talk to you about what you did wrong, not ball and shout whilst you're concentrating on driving. It seems to make you a more erratic driver if someone shouts at you when driving.

Thanks Audra. :hugs:

[nathalie]

Omg :s I can't believe your dad actually did that o_O

Don't know what actually would be a good thing to do ... only telling your mom about it, and hoping she can knock some sence in him, to never touch his kids like that anymore.

:hugs:

[Guntur]

Originally posted by King Simba
Thanks guys. :) :hugs:


He has, he's been in a few actually. He actually killed one of our cars off from drink driving, so what does that tell you?
Yeah, I told my mum about it straight afterwards. She told my dad that what he did was wrong. He seemed pretty remorseful after that

Like father like daughter? :evilgrin: naww j/k :hugs:

The same thing like my father did to me, there's a thread I make after he beat me 3 years ago. I'm glad things are getting better :hugs:

[Simbaspirit]

hey guys...

well its been an interesting few days. last week, i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which is not fun. then, a couple nights ago, i was at my friends house to spend the night..

*this is a combination of what i remember and what my friend has told me*

I sat on the edge of her bed, looking out the window, when i saw people in lab coats... i knew they were coming for me. "Ayesha," I whispered, "I feel like.. i think... i think something's coming to get me." mere seconds later, i went pale as i gasped for breath. Those people were coming to get me, i knew it. i threw myself across my friend. i didn't want them to get her as well. i knew they would drag me away, but she did nothing, she didn't deserve to be hurt. "i won't let them take you, they can drag me away, but i won't let them hurt you!" i screamed. I knew they were coming closer, and that time was running out. In a moment, they were almost there. i could see them. my friend held me in her arms as i tried to throw myself at what was coming... screaming and sobbing "they're coming to strangle you, but i won't let them, i won't let them.. they've already strangled me." i was in hysterics by now. then all of a sudden, it started to fade. i realized that no one was after me. and i cried, i cried so hard as i started to come down. my friend asked me to point at what was there... i pointed at a bottle of nail polish remover. Why this? i am a recovering addict to inhalants. they say i went into a seizure after this. i could not think unless i spoke out loud, and as i slowly drifted to sleep, i refused to believe anything ever happened.

needless to say, the next day i was brought to the hospital since i had not stopped shaking, and i had no control over my limbs. they then said as well as being bipolar, i also have an anxiety disorder.

its been an interesting few days.

and KS, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I've been in your situation, and it's not fun...

~Simbaspirt

[Elly]

Oh I'm sorry to hear that SimbaSpirit. That's some bad problems ya got there.

I can't stand younger kids having those problems, especially.

You're in my heart friend, strive to make it through those weaker moments, and get well.

:hugs:

[Guntur]

You'll be alright Simbaspirit :hugs:, You're in my heart too my friend.

[Azerane]

So sorry to hear about that KS, that's terrible. The only thing I can suggest to make you feel ok with driving is change your driving instructor. You don't have to stick with the same one, if you're not happy with them you should change, you are paying them after all. Don't worry about changing drivers. Hopefully your dad doesn't do that again though. Maybe only go driving with your mum?

Simbaspirit, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine what it's like. Hopefully things get better for you. I really don't know what to say.

:hugs: to you both.

[Simbaspirit]

thank you guys, your words mean a lot *hugs all around*